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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying together after affair - struggling

28 replies

MissWillaCather · 10/12/2016 22:51

Just that really.

Does anyone have any positive stories?

I made a decision to stay after h's affair, it's coming up to a year since I found out about it, and I can't stop thinking about it and dwelling.

I really want to move on.

It's so hard.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 10/12/2016 23:00

Is he being supportive and helping you?

Original poster
MissWillaCather · 10/12/2016 23:03

Mmm, kind of, i think he's horrified by what he's done and is also struggling to deal with it.

He's not a person to talk about things and that makes it difficult too.

OP posts:
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 10/12/2016 23:04

OP I have never been in this situation so don't have any advise of my own, but I did watch an incredible TED talk the other day that might offer some useful insights. It's on exactly this topic.

https://www.ted.com/talks/estherperellrethinkinginfidelityyatalkkforanyoneewhohasseverloved

SandyY2K · 10/12/2016 23:55

Have you had counselling?
Marriage counselling I mean.

People get through it. I have a friend who got through her H having a child with the OW.

It takes time.
It requires reassurance from your DH.
it requires patience from both of you
It requires 100% transparency from him with passwords on email and phones.

It's a long journey. Experts say it takes 2 to 5 years to recover ... and some marriage never fully recover.

Have a read of www.survivinginfidelity.com.

Triskel · 10/12/2016 23:59

I have. I honestly think professional third party support is needed. You can go on your own for help with your obsessive ruminating. He can also go alone. And you can have joint marriage counselling.

It really helps if you find a well qualified one and is so much less painful and quicker than struggling.

IsNotGold · 11/12/2016 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wonkydonkey44 · 11/12/2016 09:32

I would definitely say marriage counselling. You can say what you need to say in a controlled environment.
Relate were amazing for us, we are 4 years on now and things are good.
Good luck xx

Original poster
MissWillaCather · 11/12/2016 13:00

Thanks all, good to know I'm not alone.

I went for counselling myself at the start of the year, and it did help, but I thiught at that point it was all over and was a complete mess really. It did help a lot so maybe i will go for more to get over this latest phase, or know how to deal with it.

I don't think he'll come to counselling, sadly, though I think it would help him a lot, to deal with bereavements he's suffered and to come to terms with what he's done.

With hindsight I wish I'd just ended things sooner, but I was so shattered by the whole thing and the previous six months of the Script that I didn't have the wherewithal.

I have changed all that now; lost weight, got fit and revived my old glam self, as well as sorting practicalities so that I could manage life alone with dcs.

But they've been through so much and now things are back on an even keel I feel that I do want to stick with it. Just want stop feeling like a victim and obsessing!

OP posts:
IsNotGold · 11/12/2016 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MissWillaCather · 11/12/2016 13:16

The truth is that I don't know now.

I did, I was sure, and so panic stricken about the consequences of his leaving, I don't want not to seee my dcs on weekends and holidays, and there's a whole lot o back story about their lives that makes me even more anxious to ensure a stable family life for them ( and they are happy now, everything's genuinely fine at home).

I hate feeling in limbo, but should maybe just relax and give it all some time before doing anything rash...And maybe see if he will reconsider counselling. He (and I) are both quite old and old school about things like discussing feelings, partly why we're in this mess! And I'd like that to improve.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissWillaCather · 11/12/2016 13:18

But if I had no dcs I wouldn't have stayed, would have upped and moved far far away!

OP posts:
madmother1 · 11/12/2016 13:21

I'm sorry to say but I was chatting to my DS about my exDH and I said I should have left him when my DS was a baby with hindsight. I felt I wasted 16 years staying just for the sake of it. We eventually split up when the DC were older. Now I've met a lovely chap, I feel I deserved better. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear. Good luck with whatever you choose 😊

IsNotGold · 11/12/2016 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boolovessulley · 11/12/2016 13:28

pleasing yourself .

Boolovessulley · 11/12/2016 13:31

So wrote a long post and its disappeared.

In a nutshell dont forsake yourself.

Make the relationship work for you and don't run round trying to please him at the expense of your own happiness .

Original poster
MissWillaCather · 11/12/2016 13:31

It is difficult 💐

It complicated by the dc situation, and the ow is a piece of work with teenage sons as well as younger dc, dd is a vulnerable teen and the thought of it all is pretty bad.

I do believe it's over now but worry it would just start again, although I do think DH got a mighty big reality check when I kicked him out and the dcs refused to see him. Life as it could be wasn't looking as much fun, and everyone was horrified by his behaviour. I think that's partly what he's struggling with now.

I am lucky, financially I could leave, although logistics would be a nightmare! I had been more philosophical but lately have been dwelling a lot. Maybe it's the anniversary of discovery, Christmas has kind of lost its magic.

I think I will give it some more time, want it to work properly so we can all be happy....

OP posts:
Original poster
MissWillaCather · 11/12/2016 18:37

I have a long history of trying to be something to please other people, pretty dysfunctional childhood, and very difficult family dynamics.

Have been trying hard to sort all this out and improve myself. I have been doing well, but still have this anxious want to please /not upset people feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissWillaCather · 11/12/2016 22:21

It's all very stressful, I long for a simpler life

OP posts:
babycow38 · 12/12/2016 01:13

Yes I went back after him fucking another woman, I cannot call it an affair or relationship as after I came back I found out it was essentially ego boosting on both sides, what I thought was a heart breaking ,life changing, impossible thing for me to get over, was nothing,meant nothing and was from the fucking ow mouth"disappointing" stupid,stupid,people who do this,
I have moved on and stayed with him, because I initially was only doing it for the short term, then I realised I wanted to leave when feel ready, when I want, not when some fucker dictates it x

Original poster
MissWillaCather · 14/12/2016 22:32

Thanks all. I've decided we should separate. Hard time of year, but he's a cunt, and it will never be the same.

Horrible times

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 14/12/2016 23:02

Sorry you are going through this. From what you've said I think you have made the right decision - your exH seems to have been horrified at the consequences for himself rather than bending over backwards to make it up to you. Good luck, stay strong.

Fontella · 14/12/2016 23:20

Thanks all. I've decided we should separate. Hard time of year, but he's a cunt, and it will never be the same.

Good!

For once I've read a thread here on on Mumsnet Relationships and thought 'yes'!

You don't need 'professional third party support' and 'Relate' and all that bollocks. He cheated on you, fucked another woman, betrayed you ... and as you said yourself upthread ...

But if I had no dcs I wouldn't have stayed, would have upped and moved far far away!

So it's there right in front of you. If you didn't have the kids you'd be long gone.

Time to take them out of the 'should I leave him?' equation .. and thankfully you've got there on your own.

Children grow up. Very quickly. The difference between an 11 year old and a 21 year old is one decade. Too many parents stay because they are scared of the upheaval and the disruption and the effect on the kids .. when staying can cause far more damage.

I've brought my kids up on my own since they were 4 and 6 (now 21 and 23) and they are fantastic, well adjusted, happy, brilliant kids and we have an amazing relationship.

Good luck OP x

Original poster
MissWillaCather · 14/12/2016 23:21

Yes, that's what I've heard tonight, how hard it is for him 😔

Onwards and upwards..,,

OP posts:
Original poster
MissWillaCather · 14/12/2016 23:21

And thank you all who've posted

OP posts:
Forme2016 · 14/12/2016 23:26

Misswilla we were both posting on another thread recently about separation and you were apologetic about trying to save your marriage, I think I said at the time - please don't be. You gave him another chance which was so brave after the hurt he caused. You've worked through it yourself and, fwiw, I think made the right decision.

You said yourself you've got yourself into a position where you know you can take care of your DC on your own and you're physically fit enough to move forward. It is really hard, especially when you're naturally a people pleaser with poor examples of relationships behind you, but this is the first step you're taking to eventually please you, don't underestimate it! You will have self respect and if that's something you've not had for a while feels pretty good, believe me!

Good luck and keep posting, it does help x