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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coping with a flirt

45 replies

Ettabishop · 28/11/2016 00:35

My husband flirts with other women. He thinks I don't know, but I do. I thought I'd met a man who didn't do that, but turns out I was wrong. Do all men do this? Am I overreacting, like those women who have a problem with porn?
What I really want to know is how I cope with this, how I harden myself to something that other women would not have a problem with. I love him, I know he loves me, but he seems to need the excitement of flirting with others.
Useful advice please, "LTB" is not helpful. I need help coping with this, leaving is not an option.

OP posts:
LovePGtipsMonkey · 28/11/2016 01:09

if he thinks you don't know, why not discuss it with him?

Tell him you've noticed and that it makes you feel bad. Maybe ask how would he react if you did the same? If he cares about your feelings, he will listen and he'll think about it properly. He might also explain to you why he does it - some people just have the habit but without any intent - so far he thinks it doesn't bother you but if he learns that it does, he may well re-think his habits.

BubblingUp · 28/11/2016 01:34

Is he just an extrovert or is really flirting? What are examples of things he says to women?

TheNaze73 · 28/11/2016 01:35

How do you know he doesn't know and is on a wind up?

TheStoic · 28/11/2016 02:16

Do you think he would be upset if you did the same?

If not, it could just be his personality and he means no harm, and has no ulterior motives. Could you live with that?

If he would be, that's because his own intentions are less than honourable and that would be a huge red flag.

shadowfax07 · 28/11/2016 02:40

He thinks I don't know, but I do. I thought I'd met a man who didn't do that, but turns out I was wrong.

Have you asked him about it?

Do all men do this? Am I overreacting, like those women who have a problem with porn?

Why do you think that women who have a problem with porn are overreacting? Confused

Original poster
Ettabishop · 28/11/2016 07:53

This issue was raised a year ago when he definitely went too far and we nearly split over it. He is a lovely man who can be very nice and accommodating and I genuinely don't think he realises that being too friendly with others sometimes is inappropriate. If I raised it I think he'd consider me to be trying to control who he talks to, which is perhaps also inappropriate. I have a history of lack of trust, in general, I need strategies for making my heart not leap into my throat every time I see an over friendly Twitter conversation between him and some random pretty woman?

OP posts:
youokayhun · 28/11/2016 08:06

No advice really but no, they don't all do this....can't imagine my OH flirting with another woman but then maybe I'm naive!

DrCaligari · 28/11/2016 08:09

Why would you think he doesn't know what he's doing?

Why infantilise him like that?

MidsummersNight · 28/11/2016 08:09

Is he genuinely flirting or as PP said, just an extrovert?

My personality is commonly mistaken for flirty. I'm very open & warm, touchy feely kind of person with absolutely everyone I meet, male or female. I'm very outgoing and for some reason when I get into a conversation with a man people assume it's flirting.

My DP knows I'm overly friendly and have absolutely no intentions to "flirt".

To me, flirting is only flirting if it's intentional - otherwise it's just an assumption people are making.

MidsummersNight · 28/11/2016 08:11

Also if a woman was to make advances at him, would he decline?

If so, I don't think there's much you can do about his personality but learn to accept it and stop assuming it's flirting.

DrCaligari · 28/11/2016 08:12

And no, not all men do it. And most women don't like being flirted with by married men.

Original poster
Ettabishop · 28/11/2016 08:13

I'm not infantilising, he's my husband and I know him. He's very nice to everyone, sometimes people take advantage of that. I'm not here to discuss that, I want to know how others would react to this so that I can cope with my own insecurities a little better.

OP posts:
Flowerydems · 28/11/2016 08:14

See I've the same problem as your husband I switch on charm and don't realise I'm doing it at all. It's from years of having to try and get tips as a barmaid where cheeky flirtation was the norm. I however find out too late that I've been actively flirting and got myself into some awkward situations. Is it possible he doesn't see it as flirting? I'd only see it as a problem if he only does it with folk he has an emotional connection with to be honest, if my dh was to flirt I'd know it was cause he felt close enough to that person whereas I don't really link flirting and that with emotion so it's a different situation when it's me which we both agree on cause I'm a cold heartless wench like that. I agree he should acknowledge your feelings but if he's not emotionally linking himself to the person is it really worth bothering yourself over?

FuckYouDailyMail · 28/11/2016 08:15

Sounds like others are giving you advice on how to deal with this and get a coping strategy. They are saying talk to him about how you feel. Why can't you do that?

Original poster
Ettabishop · 28/11/2016 08:18

Thank you midsummersnight, that's just it, he's extrovert, I'm an introvert with trust issues. He did take in too far a year ago, the flirting changed to sexting, and we have been through counselling etc. the fact that I know he is capable of "crossing the line" makes me very nervous, and I need to learn to differentiate between extroverted friendliness and things I actually need to worry about.

OP posts:
DrCaligari · 28/11/2016 08:20

Sexting is not being an extrovert. It's being a twat.

AgainPlease · 28/11/2016 08:21

Does the conversation he has with other women ever get sexual?

My OH is a very charming extrovert and naturally flirty. He's a bit of a jack-the-lad too and I used to get very jealous/conscious about it, especially if he's out with the boys and I k ow lots of pretty girls will be milling about.

I would see emails in his inbox or text messages from women asking him out but he'd always shut the conversation down if it went that way. I trust him not to take it in to "sexting" territory and he never has.

AgainPlease · 28/11/2016 08:22

Xpost Etta!

Sexting is an absolute no-no. That's not flirting. That's crossing a line

Costacoffeeplease · 28/11/2016 08:23

Is he as friendly and outgoing to men as well as women?

MidsummersNight · 28/11/2016 08:24

Yeah see that's the difference and I can fully understand why you have trust issues.

Sexting isn't being an extrovert or flirting, I'd find it extremely hard to trust my DP if he ever took it as far as sexting - cause that's emotional affair territory not just being overly friendly.

JigglyTuff · 28/11/2016 08:25

You are infantilising him if he's sexting but you're saying that people take advantage of him and he doesn't realise he's being too friendly.

Either he's an idiot or he gets off on the attention. I know what I'd put my money on. You need to speak to him about it - not try and learn how to be a cool wife

Costacoffeeplease · 28/11/2016 08:25

He has form for sexting? In that case you're going to spend the rest of your life wondering - that's not something I'd be interested in doing, at all

Simonneilsbeard · 28/11/2016 08:28

He's a lovely man who you say doesn't know what he's doing but he has exchanged sexual texts with another woman. Doesn't sound like a nice man to me?
Did he know what he was doing when he was sexting? Hmm

shovetheholly · 28/11/2016 08:29

No, all men are not like this.

My exP was very flirtatious - very needy in terms of attention from women. He'd also do that thing where his eyes would follow any attractive women in the room, in a way that was objectifying. I thought for many years that this was normal, just 'how men were'. Well it's not. There are loads of men who don't behave that way because it's disrespectful to the woman they are with, AND to the women they are hitting on. And the 'red-blooded male' thing that paints any man who doesn't do it as some kind of lily-livered milksop is a load of shite.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2016 08:31

Sexting is cheating not "flirting". Messaging random women on Twitter is trying it on until the fish bites.

But anyway, all men do it and you are over reacting. You need to stfu about it or you will lose your man.

HTH