Coping with a flirt

[Ettabishop]

My husband flirts with other women. He thinks I don't know, but I do. I thought I'd met a man who didn't do that, but turns out I was wrong. Do all men do this? Am I overreacting, like those women who have a problem with porn?
What I really want to know is how I cope with this, how I harden myself to something that other women would not have a problem with. I love him, I know he loves me, but he seems to need the excitement of flirting with others.
Useful advice please, "LTB" is not helpful. I need help coping with this, leaving is not an option.

Aha the good old "I have trust issues" when you actually have an untrustworthy partner who sexted someone on the sly.

I tried not caring about these things, fortunately it turned into not caring and now I am free. And happy.

I think if you want to work on things, try relationship counselling. And stop thinking of it as just your problem.

I think you can separate flirting into harmless or negative. Harmless flirting is a mix of charm, innuendo and flattery where everyone involved is comfortable with it and knows there is no intention on either side to take it further. My wife and I both flirt harmlessly but it's really important to know your audience. Your husbands flirting is not harmless, if for no other reason than you are being hurt by it. He should be empathetic to that and you shouldn't need to justify why you feel the way you do. I don't think it's down to you to cope. You need to make it very clear to him the effect it's having on you and he should, if he really cares for you, moderate his behaviour. His world will not stop turning if he tones it down.

I know sexting is crossing the line, did I not say that? No, he does not have previous form for that, it happened because of issues we both had at that time which I'm not here to go into and we had councelling for it. I need help with coping now with not jumping on every little thing and having a breakdown about it. We have talked about what happened, exhaustively, at great length, to the point where he feels hounded and I feel completely drained. I don't want to be the "cool wife", I just want to learn to cope without feeling like a rabbit in headlights all the fkn time.

Okay. So what sort of things are upsetting you now? Can you give examples?

My husband flirts with everyone, from little old ladies to even men on occasion. I always tell him he's the most effeminate man I know (he knows it's a joke and isn't offended, he plays up his campness). However, his flirting is harmless and no is just part of his personality, a mask he uses to hide his shyness. Is your DH flirty with everyone or is it just a particular type of person?

But reading your comments, it seems to me that you're coming at this the wrong way. This isn't, or shouldn't be, about trying to fix YOU and your reactions to it. He needs to pack it in and start showing you some respect or your feelings will never go away or be 'managed'.

And frankly, if he can't do that, then ultimately it really will be a ltb situation. Either that or you just put up with it.

Sexting and posting flirty comments on 'some random woman's' profile are not things that most people accept as ok behaviour in a relationship. It seems you are not comfortable with this behaviour either. I learnt the hard way that trying to accept behaviour in a relationship that crosses your personal boundaries is a very fast route to misery, so I really wouldn't advise trying to find 'coping strategies' for this. Challenging him on this behaviour is not being controlling, it is asking him to stop disrespecting you and your relationship.

What HerOtherHalf said.

You could stop looking at his social media.
If you trust him to be faithful, hide his online activity. Then he can't throw you for a loop all the time.

Or he could stop being flirty on social media.

Can you give an example of what you consider is him flirting?

I'm guessing if he's been sexting other women then his idea of "flirting" includes exchanging phone numbers?

If he is "extrovert" and "over friendly", with everyone, male, female, women of all ages, ordinary looking women aswell as pretty ones, then I agree with PP - just stop looking at his social media.

If he is only "extrovert" and "over friendly" with pretty young women, then his behaviour is the problem, not the way you cope with it.

There's a difference between being really nice and friendly and with banter and someone flirting. Plus if he's crossed the line before, I'm not sure I could be relaxed about it.

So you want to learn to cope with his flirting?

The only way I can suggest, is to emotionally detach from him, so that it doesn't bother you.

That will also mean you don't care what he does anymore and will ultimately lead to the breakdown of your marriage.

There's no other way to cope with your husband behaving inappropriately with other women.

You could try flirting with other men, so that he knows how it feels and then he might stop, but it doesn't seem in your character.

It's almost like you asking how to cope with a man who shoves you, but doesn't go all the way to beat you up.

Why should you have to cope with this?

When my husband had a friendship with his Ex that I didn't want, he seemed reluctant to pull the plug, until I told him the only way for me to deal with it was to stop caring ... that meant I'd emotionally detach from him and ultimately, even the kids left home, I'd be seeking a divorce.

I can only not be bothered if I don't care about the person. If Joe from down the road flirts, it won't bother me because I don't care. I don't love Joe and he's not in a relationship with me.

Boils my piss this. Why do you have to cope with it? Why do you have to suck it up and put up with it?

The only way to cope with a cheat is to get rid. Why should you find coping mechanisms to deal with his cheating? I guess the counselling you had did no good at all and blamed you for his unfaithfulness. And I presume from your porn comment he expects you to be ok with his use of porn too.

Don't you think you deserve better than this person? I find it sad that you are full of angst and trying to handle this while he carries on his merry way 'flirting' - ie cheating, in full and plain sight. Honestly - get some counselling for yourself, find your self esteem and anger and get rid. Find someone trustworthy - you would then find your own 'trust issues' magically disappear.

Of course you have trust issues - he's not behaving in a trustworthy manner. If he were truly sorry for sexting another woman, he'd be bending over backwards to show you he's worthy of your trust, not having twitter chats with random pretty women.

People are not 'taking advantage' of him. The only person who's being taken advantage of is you.

He clearly isn't going to change his behaviour so you can either do what SandyY2K suggests or walk.

I think you're being unnecessarily aggressive with other posters, OP.
He's already shown you that he can't be trusted; somehow you've internalised that into being your fault, not his.

I completely agree with Cockacidalmaniac. But, I can understand your stance. I hesitated for years and years to post on mumsnet and receive support /advice in fear of it veering towards the ruthless LTB take.
I was married to a man who for 15 years made me believe that it was all about me and my insecurities - just because he was overly friendly with pretty female colleagues. One 'secret friendship ' went on for 5 years, I lived in silence through a grating morbid hunch that something was wrong. I found evidence eventually of their secret rendezvous. She was one of many. It never stopped.

There IS NO WAY to cope with it. The fact that one 'harmless flirtation ' ended up with sexting means it could happen again and frankly you'll always be the rabbit you so aptly describe, that's how I felt.

I tried not caring. I tried focusing on the kids. I tried being wonderful and kind to him despite permanently anxious. I'm no actress. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My husband was and is a serial womaniser. For too long I was made by everyone - including counsellors - to be the paranoid party. I was unfortunately right.

I hope you find a way to get through.

Why do you think it's an overreaction for a woman to be uncomfortable with her partner looking at porn?

My father is a 'flirt'. My mother hates it, but like the OP thinks that this is her problem to solve. My father has had at least one affair (that I know of) and has been accused of sexual assault (insufficient evidence to bring charges). Through it all, my mother minimises, defends him and blames herself. It is one almighty head-fuck.

Don't be like my mother. His behaviour is making you uncomfortable for a reason. If he respected you, he wouldn't want to do anything that made you sad or uncomfortable. It's not up to you to be okay with crappy behaviour - it's up to him not to be a dick.