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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did you relationshio survive ea, is it possible to get back on track?

38 replies

flirtygirl · 27/11/2016 21:57

I want to stay married, is it possible for a relationship to survive ea? Has anyone come out the other side and still in the relationship? Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
QueenMe · 27/11/2016 21:58

Yes it's doable.
Bloody hard work though Flowers

AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 22:02

Only if you compromise yourself

Anything is possible if you do that, of course. Anything.

Would you be willing to stoop that low ?

QueenMe · 27/11/2016 22:07

Hang on- think I might have crossed wires.... emotional abuse or emotional affair? Blush

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 28/11/2016 08:41

More details needed really OP Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2016 08:43

If you mean emotional abuse then no way.
Never ever put up with abuse of any kind.
If you mean an emotional affair then that's a bit different.
But as PPs have said we need more info.

Original poster
flirtygirl · 28/11/2016 22:04

Sorry saw no replies before i slept and been busy today but thanks for replies, i meant emotional abuse.
Do abusers ever change enough to get the marriage back on track?
I know they have to want to but did anyones dh/ dp change enough for them to stay with?

OP posts:
KittensWithSuperpowers · 28/11/2016 22:19

Idk as I've had no experience.

But my opinion is that people don't change that much. I think people's behaviour can improve but then surely he's already seen what he can get away with saying/doing? How could you trust he wouldn't go back that way?

clumsyduck · 28/11/2016 22:22

Then no absolutely not
there is a difference between a relationship going through a rocky patch and a relationship were one person is emotionally abusive

Yes someone can put an act on to win you over but they always revert back to type

hellsbellsmelons · 28/11/2016 22:23

It would depend on him admitting he is ea.
does he accept that?
What does he suggest to get himself sorted out?

Original poster
flirtygirl · 28/11/2016 22:27

Hes going to anger management. Ive planned to end things but now im not so sure, its only through mumsnet that i recognised the control, anger and emotional abuse. I dont know if i need to stay and let him do the work or walk away.

OP posts:
Original poster
flirtygirl · 28/11/2016 22:28

Hellsbells, he has accepted that he has anger problems and is willing to work on it.

OP posts:
KittensWithSuperpowers · 28/11/2016 22:30

But anger is different to abuse isn't it?

clumsyduck · 28/11/2016 22:32

I suppose in my case my ex never excepted he has an issue
Even after telling me what a useless cunt I was after forgetting to buy something at shopping that I was only buying because he forgot to buy . ( you can see why I am so instantly down on anything like this !!) he still could not accept that he had any problem whatsoever . That was the final straw for me that particular episode !!

Is walk away if he really wants to change he can get all that help regardless of whether you are still with him can't he

doji · 28/11/2016 22:36

My relationship didn't survive, but that was because he was an entitled shit and genuinely believed his bad behaviour was everyone else's fault. Even if he could have changed (doubtful) I reached a point where I could no longer forgive his past behaviour, so I had to walk away.

CharlotteCollins · 28/11/2016 22:36

It's very hard work for him: he won't have the motivation to keep going if you're there at home. Actually, he's unlikely to have the motivation if you've left.

Best to move on with your life and see what happens in a couple of years.

(Although if you mention a two-year deadline to him, that'll push the motivation down a few more notches...)

Original poster
flirtygirl · 28/11/2016 22:39

He says he is angry and thats why he lashes out at me with words hence being emotional abusive, he is controlling, doesnt like me doing certain things in and out the house, the controlling has got better after many discussions but the anger remains. He says horrible things then says he never said it or im making it sound worse than it is. Is he abusive or just angry, am i making it sound worse than it is? Am i oversensitive, (my mum says i am but doesnt know about any of this)?
At this point i have no idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
flirtygirl · 28/11/2016 22:41

That was in reply to kittens, sorry

OP posts:
rememberthetime · 28/11/2016 22:41

My ex-husband did all the work to change. he went to counselling and stopped being abusive verbally and physically. But he didn't change his mindset. We still had the same game going on. he was still the parent and I was always the child. The only way to break that cycle was for me to leave.

he believed he was fixed because he was aware of his behaviour, but it didn't stop him from treating me like I needed fixing. I left a few weeks ago and since leaving I can't believe how much I have achieved. I am a totally different person.

i am working on having a friendship with him that is based on my terms. he can't tell me what to do anymore, but i can still appreciate his good points. I just don't want them in my life permanently. When he gets all parental with me I just cut off the conversation and retreat to my independent life. it allows me to be who I should be and to still take the parts of him that I like.

But I could never be in a relationship with him again. It wouldn't take long for him to revert to type.

KittensWithSuperpowers · 28/11/2016 22:42

So even if he sorts the anger he would still be controlling surely?
And denying he's said something when he has is not you being over sensitive

GinAndSonic · 28/11/2016 22:42

In my opinion it's not possible. It's possible for him to find new and inventive ways to have control, and it's possible for you to change to avoid his trigger points but to create a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one? No.

Mumblesoldbloke · 28/11/2016 22:44

I think you can.. I didn't realise until I read about emotional abuse on mumsnet that I had been, but up until 8 years ago I was a controlling idiot to my wife about money and who she could see on nights out. We ended up seeing someone from relate about out relationship, we had a 4 year old and a 2 year old and she was a SAHM. The relate meetings were rubbish but my Dwife forced me to talk outside of the meetings or divorce and I chose to begin looking at why I acted like such an idiot and the answer is that at the time I didn't really value her part of the marriage.

8 years later we are so much happier, DW went to uni got a degree and a great job. I'm still the major wage earner but do 75% of childcare and all the cooking and clothes washing and ironing.
I feel that we are more equal partners and it's only fair as she develops her career.

I look back and realise how close I came to losing the most important person in my life.. I guess it really is down to communication and whether he wants to. I didn't want to talk about it but I definitely didn't want to lose DW..
Good luck

whatminniedidnext · 28/11/2016 22:51

They have to really want to change - but actually abusive men usually don't want to change because they gain a lot by being the way they are: they get to have a relationship where they call they call the shots. Why? Because they want to control you and ultimately they do with their emotional abuse. You end up walking on eggshells and avoiding doing certain things to "aggravate" them. That suits them just fine.

His anger issue - does he get angry with others, friends / family etc? Or just you? If it's just you then he hasn't got anger issues, he doesn't "lose control", he just uses anger to intimidate and control you.

Personally I walked away from an EA a month or so ago and I'm so so glad I did. I have two DC under three years old but as hard as it is to parent alone, it is still easier without him criticising, hating, name calling, shouting in my face etc. I think if I had stayed longer then I'd have been a shell of my former self in a year or so. Don't underestimate the damage emotional abuse can do to you psychologically. To put things in perspective: there was one physical incident during my EA relationship .... the EA was actually ten times worse!! Flowers

GingerIvy · 28/11/2016 23:00

So he's already making excuses for future outbursts? Good grief.

No, I don't think it's possible to get back on track. Back on track usually means you are lulled into a false sense of security while they are on their best behaviour for a short time. It's all part of the cycle.

CharlotteCollins · 28/11/2016 23:24

He doesn't have an anger problem. Everybody feels angry at times. (You should, but have probably suppressed it.) He has a lashing out problem. And a gaslighting problem.

CharlotteCollins · 28/11/2016 23:26

And a "seeing you as someone who needs to be controlled" problem.

But he doesn't see that, does he? So how can he even begin the work of changing?

He thinks of you as less than him, like a child or a pet. He won't listen to you if you try to teach him how to change. (He might pretend to if he thinks it will humour you.)