Did you relationshio survive ea, is it possible to get back on track?

[flirtygirl]

I want to stay married, is it possible for a relationship to survive ea? Has anyone come out the other side and still in the relationship? Any advice greatly appreciated.

No. He's still giving you excuses, and you're still in the mindset of minimizing it. Get out of this.

Thanks for all replies, im so torn, i have done the freedom program online and part of me still thinks that if he sorts out his anger then its fine.

Yet part of me thinks im a mug and i need to wake up.

I know im clinging on to my marriage for dear life and i dont know why. If a friend had done what he has done, id no longer be in contact with them.

Has he always been like this? I think people with long term anger issues rarely change as very few of them are willing to admit they can control their temper and think before they speak and act but choose not to.
If he constantly belittles you then that's a lack of love and respect issue not an anger issue, especially if he then denies it.
If you really love someone you want to make their life more pleasant, not make them miserable.
He can only control you if you let him.
How did you end up giving him most of the power in the relationship?

You are not a mug, you are just being very cleverly manipulated... it's hard, and even harder to accept what is going on ISNT'T you, ISN'T your fault and will likely not change.

Actually I think you are doing all the right things so far: recognising the abuse for what it is, confronting him with it, and doing the Freedom Programme. The next step is to walk away and get your life back. The reason why so many of us on here will urge you to leave sooner rather than later is because the longer you leave it, not only the worse the EA generally gets (as he realises you are onto him and ramps it up a level or two), but the worse it will be for your emotional health. Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That" is a great book to read, hide it and read while he is not around to see!

I posted on here under different names about my EA relationship over the last three years but I credit some of the posters on here for finally giving me the assurance that it wasn't "just arguing" and it wasn't healthy. I didn't leave straight away but some of the replies really gave me food for thought.

One of the most powerful questions I was asked on here was; "what are his good points?" I actually only thought of one - that he provided for me and the DC - and I realised that even that he used to his advantage, something to throw in my face in anger when he wanted some "me time". Ironically if I wanted anything like that (being a SAHM to two DC under three with no support whatsoever) I was a lazy effing bitch sitting on my effing fat arse all day

Do you have children / children together?

You also asked: "am I being oversensitive, am I making it out to be worse than it is?"

No to both. What is happening here is he has gradually chipped away at your self esteem and confidence. No doubt you are exhausted too, as I was, with the constant worrying about the relationship and trying to "fix" it, trying to live up to his impossible expectations (he creates these so he can knock you down for not fulfilling them), and from the stress of dealing with his outbursts. He will then be all nice for a period of time, so you try to brush the ugly episode under the carpet yet again. I'd guess he is also nice to others around him. The result is you start questioning yourself - wondering if it something you are doing that is setting him off...but it is not you. It is him.

FWIW the anger: people who have genuine anger issues do not necessarily abuse their partners. It is his choice to direct his anger at you, to call you names. My parents thought my ex was mentally ill, and maybe to some agree he was - but I know others who are mentally unwell and guess what? They don't abuse their partners either! Your H behaves the way he does because he chooses to. Don't let him hide under excuses because by doing that, you are hiding from the truth and giving him permission to continue.

He sounds very abusive to me, Emotional abuse causes profound, long lasting damage. Please protect yourself before he completely destroys your ability to see what is happening and before he convinces you it's all your fault. Believe me, it's massively hard to come back from. Eventually you won't even know who you are and what is reality as opposed to his distortions. Do not confuse it with anger issues, that is a classic excuse. Don't fall into the trap of believing it or helping him. Be kind and understanding to you not him. Get some distance so you can think straight away from his manipulations. I can't emphasise this enough. The longer you stay in it, the more damage you will endure and the harder it will be to recover. Take care.

Yes I have two girls 7 and 17 yo, so its important to change things so they dont mirror this when they are older. This weekend i had the choice to let him leave and found i couldn't. Im going to get the Lundy Bancroft book, ive read extracts online only.
You have given me good advice and yes if things dont change then i am in danger of diminishing myself and disappearing. I had made plans to leave but im unable to act on them and im not convinced i should. I need to decide and stick to it.

Thanks to all those who have been here, your experiences of coming out the other side are a great encouragement.

I am very curious about why you felt unable to let him go when the opportunity presented itself recently? Not as in "Why on earth couldn't you?!" but genuine curiosity based on a suspicion that I might struggle similarly (my dp suffers with anxiety and depression, which, when it's 'up' can make our lives quite miserable, and often causes me to wonder whether we wouldn't be better off apart). Is it worry about financial security, feeling guilty about not 'trying hard enough', feeling like you need some kind of shared closure, or his approval, or perhaps that you still love him? Someone once told me that so many stay in crappy relationships because they on some level believe they need the approval of their partner to leave, or crave a sense of joint closure, which is of course rarely possible. So they stay.

I've recently experienced an epiphany in realising how unhealthy my relationship is. DH is very controlling and emotionally unavailable. I've initiated a separation and now that my eyes are fully open to just how bad things are, I have no desire whatsoever to salvage anything. I just want it done and dusted. Before I had accepted the relationship had issues I would make excuses for his behaviour and blame myself in the vain hope we could make it work. I think what I'm trying to say is that, if you have reached a point where you truly value yourself and can see an abusive relationship for what it is, then you will have no desire to even want to make it work. Your priority will be yourself and healing the wounds caused by such a relationship. I'm starting counselling next week and starting to look forward to a brighter future.

Hi Flirtygirl,

I have name changed for this as I don't want to offend some of the other posters here who have offered me advice in the past.

What I would say to you and anyone else is that advice from strangers on the internet, however well intentioned is definitely not the way to finding your own answers.

Why? because every relationship is different, and so many on here are quick to judge and label, without knowing what your own relationship is like.

I asked about very similar circumstances in my own relationship a few years ago, DH had really bad EA issues, controlling and a few times physically abusive.

We have 3 DC's so I want what's best for them, which is not to see EA behaviour at all. I told DH what he was like several times, at first he denied it but then when I reeled off examples, the penny finally dropped. He realised what he was going to cause to the DC and got himself into counselling and did a course on domestic violence and anger management.

Standing up to domestic problems takes bravery, in my case DH was pretty bad and set in his ways, his brothers all have similar issues from what I have seen and heard over the years.

I gave him a chance, which many on here would refuse to do, but the point is, I know my man in real life and better than anyone else and I decided to stand by him. Call it stupid or old fashioned but after three children and many years together, I didn't want to walk away without him knowing what he stood to lose, he realised eventually.

Am I glad I did stay? Well things haven't been easy, there have been blips, but in lots of ways he proved to me that I did know him better and he has changed. He still gets angry from time to time at silly little things, but for all the positives he brings, I made the right choice (he started counselling back in may 2015).

If anyone here thinks I was stupid or I don't value myself because I chose not to leave my husband, then you are wrong.

I am not defending anyone else's partner, but the advice by some here is based on their own relationships. Flirtygirl, their experiences aren't the same as mine, or yours, because everyone is different and even though some of the issues are the same, the individual people are not.

I am not saying stay with him Flirty, if you feel he wont be able to improve then definitely leave.

moonlight I didnt ferl able to let him go for many reasons, i am religious and my religion is anti divorce, i would personally feel like i had failed, i couldnt easily get onto another relationship as im religious and no sex before marriage and date only with a view to marriage, (so im scared of being alone, pathetic but true, considering i was a single mum for 7 years), i do love him even though i feel his behaviour has diminished that love, i did want to give him another chance to get the anger management under way and i did want closure and if he left in this way then i would never have got it.

To be honest what ive learnt if everything gets bad and he doesnt follow through then him leaving or me leaving is not the answer. I would leave but it would have to be a complete break and move away and no contact so im not drawn back in, feeling sorry for him and allowing him to manipulate me.

Thanks user1480 another perspective is very welcome, im going to make steps to ensure im stronger either way mentally and walk through this, however im aware of the track record and i know for my girls even more than for myself, that if he ramps it up like other posters have suggested he may do, as he thinks hes got me under control, then ill have no choice but to leave.
to you roast and all who have come out the other side, thanks for the encouragement.
Im probably not mentally strong enough to let him go and yes im being manipulated, ive got a lot of work to do on myself.

Trapped is the feeling that i feel most often, then panic and sadness yet this weekend my chance has come and gone and ive let it.

Staying or leaving is only a choice you can make and in my opinion it is worth trying. even though I left eventually - it hasn't been an easy road and I wouldn't recommend it unless you are certain.
Counselling for yourself is a great idea. it either shows you the full extent of the abuse or it allows you to gain self confidence that might allow you to confront his behaviour and not accept it. learning your boundaries can be a turinig point in a relationship as your husband will choose whether he wants this new and strong woman in his life and make changes accordingly.
My turning point came when i realised my daughter was being severely affected. Having realised I wasn't putting up with his controlling he turned on her with some especially ugly incidents. I knew then that I needed to get her out. She is now a changed girl, so confident and happier. But still refusing to see her father.
You will fidn your own way - but unless he accepts his faults, works on them and makes changes you won't get anywhere. And don't forget that counselling will only make him worse - he will justify his behaviour on his past or he will learn techniques to use against you. He need a specific abuse program aimed at controlling behaviour.

OP, you know he's abusive, you also have impressionable children witnessing this and thinking it is normal, it's not, it's who he is and he will continue to abuse and control you for as long as you allow him - very rarely to people with these fucked up ideas of what a relationship is about change, they just don't, and if they do, it take years, let him prove it to you, by allowing him to stay you will see nada changes.