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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Winning an ex back?

33 replies

Crazycat1980 · 17/11/2016 19:51

I know, I know...

But has anyone got any advice or positive stories? Two months on and 30 days NC, I'm still utterly heartbroken

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 17/11/2016 19:53

Why did you split?

GinAndSonic · 17/11/2016 19:53

Leave it. I say that as someone who spent 18 months clinging onto my ex before finally getting back with him, and I love him, we are still together etc, but that 18months fucked my head right up. NC is kinder to yourself. Let him go.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/11/2016 19:55

Is he really a prize worth winning?

Original poster
Crazycat1980 · 17/11/2016 20:00

We split over him not feeling he could commit long term. He said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted

OP posts:
confused114 · 17/11/2016 20:02

Oooo I've been there.....sadly didn't work for me. Just had to let it go. You haven't given much detail as to what happened etc but in reality.....if someone wants to go back to an ex they would do it on their own accord. Trying to force it never seems to work :-(

Costacoffeeplease · 17/11/2016 20:02

Ah that old chestnut

I'm afraid he does know what he wants, he just doesn't want to say it

If he wanted to be with you, he would be

Onwards and upwards

confused114 · 17/11/2016 20:05

And women always tend to like the men that can never commit.....basically because we want to be the ones to change them. We want to be the one that makes them go 'I want to be with her for ever, she's the one'

Why we do this I've got no idea......

If he doesn't want to commit then I don't feel there's much you can do to change their mind. All you do is make yourself look desperate and needy and push them away even further. This is coming from someone who's been there and made a right tit of herself. Aka me :-/

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 17/11/2016 20:44

Listen to what he's telling you.
You can't make, force or engineer someone to be in love with you/want a long-term relationship with you :0(
Stay no contact.

IF he wants you (I am sorry it doesn't sound like he does), you must let him be the one to come back to you.

papaverorientale · 17/11/2016 21:01

He's not that into you.

I know that's hard to realise but be gentle with yourself, keep busy and it will ease.

Daisiesandgerberas · 17/11/2016 21:30

He's an ex for a reason.

SandyY2K · 17/11/2016 22:14

We split over him not feeling he could commit long term.

So what would change if you got back with him? If you get back with him in anyway, he'll see you as desperate and willing to accept anything he gives.

I assume you want a long term commitment, otherwise it wouldn't be a problem.

BolivarAtasco · 17/11/2016 22:18

He has told you where he is at. He doesn't want a relationship. The fuzzy 'not sure what I want' was not a signal to you to try harder, it was to tell you that he doesn't want it.

Stop trying. Move on.

c3pu · 17/11/2016 22:41

Win him back?

Losers prize.

Bluntness100 · 17/11/2016 22:44

Ah, if it's been two months with no contact then I'm fairly sure he's not confused anymore or he'd have been in touch.

Have a glass of wine and some chocolate, just take it one day at a time, but the split was for a reason that's still valid. It will get easier.

bert3400 · 17/11/2016 22:58

16 years ago I split from my partner of 2 years . He said the same thing ... he was scared of commitment etc . Anyway I was hysterical behind closed doors but held it together in front of him ( we worked together) I got on with my life went travelling, lost weight and generally started sorting my shit out . 6 weeks later he proposed and said he couldn't live without me . We are still together with 2 kids and couldn't be happier . Sort YOUR life out . Go have fun , travel if you can . There is nothing more attractive than an independent Strong women .

Marilynsbigsister · 17/11/2016 23:08

Best phrase my late FIL ever told me.
You cannot MAKE someone love you. along with 'If a man doesn't worship you- fuck him off ' it's served me well. There is no such case of a man somehow 'forgetting ' he wants to be with you. If he does, you will know about it . Every time.

HeddaGarbled · 17/11/2016 23:17

He couldn't commit long term, is confused and doesn't know what he wants is all code for he's not that into you. He's letting you down gently, so not a bastard, but not your soulmate. Sorry.

It is possible that if you suddenly become amazingly slim, attractive and independent a la bert he'll change his mind. Then you can turn him down and find someone who loves you because you are your own true self.

I know it hurts. We've all been there Flowers

noego · 17/11/2016 23:23

I know it doesn't feel that way at the moment, but long term he is doing you a favour. That's the kind of long term commitment you need. Your own.

Trills · 17/11/2016 23:25

No. We don't have any positive stories about winning an ex back.

The only positive stories we have are about moving on and being happier for it.

AnyFucker · 17/11/2016 23:25

I am cringing for you

IKnowWhyACagedBirdSings · 17/11/2016 23:27

Your not his priority sweetheart. Listen and learn. You can't make him want you because he doesn't want you.Sorry to be so blunt.

mrsdigestives · 17/11/2016 23:36

IME if an ex is going to come back at all, it'll be 1. when you've got over him or 2. when you've met someone else

WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/11/2016 23:37

Give it another 4 weeks of NC. It takes 8 weeks of total, absolute NC for a see-saw, non-committal partner to finally work out what they want.

Use those 4 weeks productively: make plans for you, diet, change your appearance, clear out your home, see friends, exercise, cook... Do something EVERY DAY that is all about you and not a bit about him.

You can't "win" him back, that's just you trying to control things. You have to hand this over to the Universe now, it's out of your hands.

Accept that it's over, and look ahead to a great 2017. Make it great. Don't think, omg it'll be crap without him... Ensure it won't be.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/11/2016 23:41

Sorry, posted too soon. Blush

You mustn't try to control this. What you want is for your ex to feel what life is really like without you (crap, probably) PROPERLY for 8 WEEKS OF NC. At the end of 8 weeks NC, they will know what they want. If it's you, they'll be back with a commitment. If it's not, then you are FREE to find happiness and stability with someone else who's not so unsure.

You can't lose. I know it's shit, but that's only right now. That will pass.

And remember, going NC means that you don't contact him, but also that you don't torture yourself with photos, listening to saved voicemails, re-reading old messages, stalking social media etc. Treat it like a cleanse.

Mitfordhons · 17/11/2016 23:46

I can tell you a positive tale, my husband said it was over and even though there had been problems I was devastated. After a couple of weeks I thought that he was never going to come back to me while I was upset and in pieces so I had to make him think I was getting on with having a great life so he'd remember how fab I was and start to miss me. I made an effort to go out, joined a gym met up with friends etc and did everything I could do to look like I wasn't bothered. A few weeks in, I realised that actually I wasn't bothered and actually I was having a better time without him. I've never looked back.