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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate the fact i get jealous but i do.

41 replies

malificent7 · 09/11/2016 11:52

My dp is lovely. He's open and friendly and always sees the best in everyone... man, woman of all ages. He has a lot of female friends.... most of whom are older.
He is also on extremely good terms with his ex wife and her partner. His ex cheated on my dp with her man for years. At first i couldnt get over the fact he was on such good terms with his ex because of her behaviour but i actually get on well with her. I no longer feel at all threatened by their friendship although i was at first.

I dont want to change him as i love his openness but i do worry that some women might get the wrong signals from him. He is not pervy or flirty.... just quite open and dosnt put up barriers.

For example, an ex friend of mine moaned to us that she was feeling fat and he mentioned that she still looked beautiful. She took this as a flirt and started to pursue him. We no longer talk.
So im not jealous because i thonk he will cheat... im jealous as i dont want others to get close to him emotionally and take him off guard.

Yes, i know im being unreasonable but how do i cope with my jealousy?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 09/11/2016 11:56

Fwiw i try not to control him. I just let him know when i get jealous which is normally met with a big hug and a squeeze and a dont worry darling.
I am quite different, i dont have many male friends and i keep my distance with other men.
I feel uptight comoated to him. If my ex had cheated u would have told them to bugger off!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 09/11/2016 11:58

Compared to him i should say. We also have a great relationship and he makes me feel very loved so why dont i feel secure?

I should mention that he had a child with his ex so i know it is best if they get on and i support that.

OP posts:
OhBollocksFuck · 09/11/2016 12:03

Sorry OP but I wonder if he is being completely innocent when he's 'open' and doesn't put up barriers with other women. I'm not suggesting he's trying to cheat on you at all but telling a woman she's beautiful is more than just being 'open' and clearly goes over a invisible yet important line. He must know this, and must know it may be perceived as flirty (or creepy) but still does it.

Moreover, and more pertinently for me, he knows it makes you jealous yet still does it. His priority should be you feeling good and okay, rather being 'open' with other random women to make them feel good.

If I were being cynical I'd say he knows exactly what he's doing, feels quite flattered by your jealousy and actually thinks he a bit of god's gift.

If I weren't, I'd say he's unthinking and uncaring.

I just let him know when i get jealous which is normally met with a big hug and a squeeze and a dont worry darling

^This smacks of him saying "there, there my darling I won't leave you. Nor will I change my behaviour" Ugh,

Stormwhale · 09/11/2016 12:06

I think there should be barriers up to some extent. I think I would find it hard if my dp was as open with others as he is with me.

Original poster
malificent7 · 09/11/2016 12:11

I have tackled him about the beautiful comment and he admits he shouldnt have said it.
He honestly does not think he is Gods gift. He does have low confidence though due to the ex cheating on him.
He is like this with men and women though..... very complimentary... and he is not gay!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 09/11/2016 12:11

Stormwhale.... you have hit the nail on the head!

OP posts:
HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime · 09/11/2016 12:38

I'm sorry, but to cut through the b s, I think these type of men realise exactly what their doing, keeping reserves just incase?

OhBollocksFuck · 09/11/2016 12:40

Then I think he's uncaring and unthinking.
As Stormwhale said, you do need to have barriers with other people that you don't have with your DH and that's how it should be. He should be thinking 'How will this make Malificent feel if I do/say it?'. It should come naturally in a mutually loving and respectful relationship.

By now, he should also know the kinds of things that make you jealous (e.g. complimenting other women) and shouldn't do it because you don't like it. If he does know what kinds of things make you jealous and does them anyway, well that'd be a really big problem for me.

OhBollocksFuck · 09/11/2016 12:41

I agree with you Holyshit

MsStricty · 09/11/2016 13:11

Well, fuck me. The amount of co-dependency being exhibited on this thread makes me think, "No wonder there's this amount of jealousy in the world if so many of us think like this!"

No one can "make" anyone feel jealous. The jealousy starts and ends with the person whose feeling it. Saying a woman is beautiful is unacceptable if you're in a relationship with someone else? Really? Where do we draw that line?

The fact that your partner is open with everyone and that you know how he feels about you, and you feel secure apart from this, tells me that this is something for you to work on, not him, OP. And I know how destructive jealousy can be. It can also be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

doji · 09/11/2016 13:14

Change your mindset op - you aren't being unreasonably jealous, he is being selfish and prioritising his need to be liked over having healthy boundaries and respecting your feelings.

Next it will be 'oh i was only on that dating site for an ego boost because my poor ickle self esteem is so damaged by my nasty cheating ex, I wasn't really going to cheat on you...'

OhBollocksFuck · 09/11/2016 13:24

No one can "make" anyone feel jealous. The jealousy starts and ends with the person whose feeling it. Saying a woman is beautiful is unacceptable if you're in a relationship with someone else? Really? Where do we draw that line?

I completely disagree. Of course you can 'make' someone feel jealous. Perhaps 'make' isn't the right word but you can do things or say things which you know increase their particular feelings. And that's my point, in a relationship you shouldn't be saying the kind of things that hurt your partner, whether they're hurt though jealousy or self-esteem or whatever.

I think each couples draw the line themselves, there is no arbitrary place where you draw the line. Some couples will be completely fine with each other commenting on other people's attractiveness, others won't. Again, that's my point. You arrive at these decisions together over time. One person (in this case the man) doesn't just say 'Well this is how I am and these are the kinds of things I say so get over it' whilst the other person (in this case the OP) says 'Some things you say and do make me feel bad and upset'.

wherearemymarbles · 09/11/2016 13:36

Gosh,
I cant rember the last time iv read so much complete and utter rubbish. apart from ms the other posters are just projecting. They dont know your partner and quite clearly are incapable of understanding him. So they take the default line that he is a complete cunt.

If you feel jelous then maybe ask him not to complement other people in your presence.

OhBollocksFuck · 09/11/2016 13:38

If you feel jelous then maybe ask him not to complement other people in your presence

She has, he replies with

I just let him know when i get jealous which is normally met with a big hug and a squeeze and a dont worry darling

So, based on that, yes, he sounds like an unthinking, uncaring cunt who's dismissing his wife's feelings.

OhBollocksFuck · 09/11/2016 13:38

If you feel jelous then maybe ask him not to complement other people in your presence

She has, he replies with

I just let him know when i get jealous which is normally met with a big hug and a squeeze and a dont worry darling

So, based on that, yes, he sounds like an unthinking, uncaring cunt who's dismissing his wife's feelings.

OhBollocksFuck · 09/11/2016 13:39

And doing nothing to help her get over them such as, as you suggest, not complimenting other women when OP's around (preferably not ever).

Ladyformation · 09/11/2016 13:51

Jeez. I'm with Ms and Marbles. It doesn't sound like this guy has given the OP any actual reason to be jealous and unless there's a lot more going on that we don't know about the OP needs to learn to sit back and trust him.

For example, with the beautiful comment - I would expect my DP to compliment a friend who was feeling really down about her looks (although I would probably have got there first), to the extent that I'd probably be a bit miffed if he didn't. I know he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world because he tells me, so I'm comfortable with him complimenting other women (he's also generous with compliments to men, like the OP's DP, which is telling). If he's lying to me then he's a jackass and getting jealous won't solve that.

Cricrichan · 09/11/2016 13:51

The problem is yours not his. He's open and friendly with everyone and I've known a few guys /girls like that and they're lovely to be around. Also, when you can see somebody is lovely to everyone you know they don't fancy you, it's just the way they are. That was probably one of the main reasons you like him and now you want that all to yourself?

BBKingsring · 09/11/2016 13:57

I agree that it's something you need to work on. Jealousy is a horrible emotion.

Original poster
malificent7 · 09/11/2016 13:59

I would like to comment that my dp has not continued with those comments since i pulled him up on it, he has had in depth discussions apart from the reassiring hugs and he is categorically not a cunt. In fact he has just sent me a text teĺling me ge will come over tonight as he alwaysvalues open, honest discussion.
I know he does so i know this problem is mine and mine alone but what to do!!!???

OP posts:
OhBollocksFuck · 09/11/2016 14:00

Lady Epic missing, but also reinforcing, my point.

That's what works in your relationship, that's what you and your DH have arrived at. The way things are in OP's relationship doesn't work for her; she doesn't want her DH to tell other women they're beautiful. She's told him that but he hasn't made any efforts to change his behaviour despite knowing it upsets his wife. He just gives her a hug and says 'never mind darling'

OhBollocksFuck · 09/11/2016 14:01

X-post OP

Apologies Smile

Original poster
malificent7 · 09/11/2016 14:08

No.... he dosnt say " never mind darling" he says "Dont worry darling.... he does try to reassure me.
I think boundaries are a big issue with him. He is very forgiving towards the man who had an affair with his ex... wife... partly because he wants to keep the peace for his dd but i just couldnt be like this.

OP posts:
brodchengretchen · 09/11/2016 14:09

OP, it's not just your problem, it's DP's too. The bottom line is he knows it makes you uncomfortable and still does it. To me that says ego, and being a bit of a shit about it.

FWIW I think jealousy is much more common than some people are prepared to admit because it's not considered cool, but its a very basic human emotion, and not something to fuck around with IMO.

TheNaze73 · 09/11/2016 14:13

I think you both have problems here

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