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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I hate the fact i get jealous but i do.

41 replies

malificent7 · 09/11/2016 11:52

My dp is lovely. He's open and friendly and always sees the best in everyone... man, woman of all ages. He has a lot of female friends.... most of whom are older.
He is also on extremely good terms with his ex wife and her partner. His ex cheated on my dp with her man for years. At first i couldnt get over the fact he was on such good terms with his ex because of her behaviour but i actually get on well with her. I no longer feel at all threatened by their friendship although i was at first.

I dont want to change him as i love his openness but i do worry that some women might get the wrong signals from him. He is not pervy or flirty.... just quite open and dosnt put up barriers.

For example, an ex friend of mine moaned to us that she was feeling fat and he mentioned that she still looked beautiful. She took this as a flirt and started to pursue him. We no longer talk.
So im not jealous because i thonk he will cheat... im jealous as i dont want others to get close to him emotionally and take him off guard.

Yes, i know im being unreasonable but how do i cope with my jealousy?

OP posts:

user1478700534 · 09/11/2016 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 09/11/2016 14:41

Does he compliment you op? We went through a stage where my dh didn't make me feel loved and him "making an effort' with his female colleagues would really upset me as he would not be like that with me. I think if a man makes his woman feel loved and wanted then there is no need to feel jealous

Original poster

malificent7 · 09/11/2016 14:46

Oh yes.... he's very devoted, says im beautiful etc.

OP posts:

Bloopbleep · 09/11/2016 15:12

You knew what he was like when you met him, its what you fell for. You can't expect him to change now you start to feel jealous and insecure. If being open and friendly is part of his personality you'd be asking him to change what is probably a huge part of why you liked him in the first place.

I don't agree that the partner is to blame for how you feel, you've already admitted he no longer compliments others after you told him it makes you uncomfortable. What do you want from him? What will make you feel happy? What would make you stop feeling jealous? Keeping him in a box?

I really think you need to look at why you're so insecure and jealous, as it's not going to go away. It's common where one party has been having affairs for them to project unreasonable jealousy onto their partners. Is this maybe your experience?

If rational you knows he's not up to anything then irrational you has to learn to deal with it.

Vagabond · 09/11/2016 15:22

Hey Mal, be happy you have a lovely guy with a big open personality who gives compliments freely.

You know what those women are thinking when he compliments them? They're thinking how lucky you are to have such a great guy.

And that's what you would be happier feeling too.

Jealousy changes nothing but to darken your heart. Just because you feel a bit insecure, you can't ask him to change his personality. It's how he is. It's who you fell in love with. Embrace it and know that he's chosen you to be with. The fact that he's so openly been ok with his ex should be an indication to you of his personality.

Think of it this way: if he read this thread, would he be disappointed that you had so little trust in him?

Ladyformation · 09/11/2016 15:34

OhBollocks I don't think I did miss your point - the OP states "I don't want to change him as I love his openness" so I'm just trying to give a perspective that shows that her DP's approach is completely normal in many relationships.

OP - as PPs have suggested, perhaps think about what your ideal outcome is and how you can work towards that. Do you want him to change his behaviour, or, as I think you in fact feel, do you want to change your responses? If so, how? Taking the compliment example again: you say that he compliments you - would you like him to compliment you more/differently? Or is the problem maybe that you don't believe him? If that's the case there are lots of wonderful things you can do to boost your self-esteem

MikeUniformMike · 09/11/2016 15:55

YANBU. Your attitude to his XW is mature and sensible. You mind, but you rise above it. You have discussed the comment to your friend and you've both dealt with it.
I think that what you feel is quite normal but you know deep down that he wouldn't piss you about. I used to get really jealous but decided that if I accused DP of anything I might give him ideas.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/11/2016 16:52

Bollocks, does have a point.
OP, you sound like a well adjusted woman to me, so why exactly is this little voice shouting inside you, I wonder.
You don't really come across as a jealous type
Have you been with your DP a long time ?
Maybe he is a truly loving and warn human being, or is he a bit creepy ...

DistanceCall · 09/11/2016 20:18

So basically you want to change your partner's personality.

He's on good terms with his ex. He's not a lech and doesn't flirt. He complimented someone who was feeling down. He compliments you.

Has he done or said anything that was offensive or demeaning to you? Because otherwise, it's just the kind of person he is (and he sounds like a nice guy). Leave it or take it.

Original poster

malificent7 · 10/11/2016 06:20

I dont want to change his personality.... I want to change my personality and be less jealous!

OP posts:

Original poster

malificent7 · 10/11/2016 06:44

I think also he is quite innocent to other women's intentions. With my ex friend for example, when i told her to back off.
She then texted him and apologised if he got the wrong message and she was sorry i was so jealous. He showed me the text. It took me to point out that this was not a sweet apology but an attempt to get close to him and slam me. He was angry when he realised and blocked her.
So he really does see the best in everyone and i feel this makes him vulnerable to predatory females!

He told me last night that he was proud i am his gf and he loves showing me off so definately not a cunt!

OP posts:

myfriendnigel · 10/11/2016 06:53

Hmm.my ex is like this. Very charming. Easy to get along with.semi flirts with people (men and women). Knows the right thing to say to put people at ease without seeming creepy (most of the time).
I didn't used to get jealous either as I thought those were the good things about him.Its certainly a skill to be able to do it.
We are now split up-because after 10 years I wondered why he didn't make that same effort with me-and then also because unbeknownst to me it turned out he had been making quite a bit of effort with my best friend for two years.She left her marriage for him conveniently at the same time as ours ended.Its left me devastated.
I would tread carefully.
But then of course I'm biased by my own experience.

myfriendnigel · 10/11/2016 06:56

But then if he is also compliant Ray and makes effort towards you-well then perhaps it is just the way he is and all perfectly innocent. Hope so anyway.

abeandhalo · 10/11/2016 07:03

My partner was like this for a while, extremely complimentary & affectionate towards his women friends & used to think it was just him being lovely but I think he did it on purpose to make women like him b/c he had low self-esteem. He wanted to be adored by them. He's a lot more confident in himself these days & more appropriate with his relationships.

I wasn't often jealous though b/c I knew he wasn't ever going to do anything he just liked the attention. But there are the odd times when it's difficult, when they cross the line & give other women the same compliments & affection that should be saved for you!

heron98 · 10/11/2016 07:20

I am genuinely not a jealous person at all and my DP has tons of close female friends.

However the only time I have felt it was with one particular woman. It drove me wild and I knew my feelings were unreasonable.

In the end, I worked out i was jealous of HER in particular because she was a lot of things I wanted to be - confident, socially very popular, very good at the sport we play together etc.

Could that have something to do with it?

pklme · 10/11/2016 07:26

IT sounds as though he is very empathic and socially skilled, more so than most men. It may well be those qualities that make him attractive to you, as it makes him a good partner to you, too. I would rejoice in his ability to connect with people, and think how lucky you are to get an emotionally sensitive guy.

It sounds as though he is not saving his charm for other people, and his focus is on you, so just relax and enjoy it. You can feel sorry for all the needy women who are swayed by his niceness into thinking he is into them. They don't have much experience of attentive loving men!

I have no fear my DH will cheat on me. He barely notices other people exist. Including me!

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