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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am out of line

38 replies

justme1122 · 05/11/2016 22:54

Me and my partner has been together for 5 years.
He won't let me meet his kids. Now 13 and 8.
He says his ex knows about me. But how do I know. He never answers her calls around me. And is very secretive of his phone.
Am I out of line to message her myself.

OP posts:
PassiveAgressiveQueen · 05/11/2016 22:57

Yes, but not out of line to leave him.

AyeAmarok · 05/11/2016 22:58

Yes, very out of line to message her. It's not your place.

If you don't trust him, end the relationship.

AddToBasket · 05/11/2016 23:00

Are you a mistress? Is he really separated?

Original poster
justme1122 · 05/11/2016 23:01

I want to leave him. But selfish as it is I need to know that my suspicions are right. I've been with him 5 years and have let him butter me up.
If I leave does he just go back to his lovely life before.

OP posts:
Blackbird82 · 05/11/2016 23:03

This does sound very odd after five years together. I also think it sounds like he's still with his ex (or not) wife. What are your living arrangements?

9troubledwaters · 05/11/2016 23:05

Do the kids not know about you? Maybe hes leading a double life...

Original poster
justme1122 · 05/11/2016 23:08

No. well we lived together for a lot of the time. Then I lived with my parents. And him with his. In between rentals.
He is 15 years older than me.
And no. His kids do not know about me.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/11/2016 23:09

What do you mean "he will just go back to his lovely life before"? Do you think he still has something with his ex?

9troubledwaters · 05/11/2016 23:10

Why? They surely don't think their mum & dad are still together if he was living at his parents.
What does he say if you ask him why?

Original poster
justme1122 · 05/11/2016 23:15

I don't know what they think.
I don't get it at all.
He never told them he lived with me. He told them he was living with his parents.
When I write it down it looks ridiculous.
I'm so embarrassed this has been my life for. So long.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 06/11/2016 03:06

It may have been your life for the past 5 years, but it doesn't have to be this way for the next 5.

Is his dw on any spawn of the devil social media sites such as FB? Do you have a phone number for her?

tribpot · 06/11/2016 06:00

What is it that you suspect? What I suspect is that he never actually left his wife. Is that why you want to call her?

DeathStare · 06/11/2016 06:56

To be honest it doesn't matter whether the ex knows or whether he is still seeing the ex. They are red herrings. What is clear is that he doesn't see your relationship going anywhere. He doesn't see it as his future. If he did you'd have met hid DC by now.

The fact that his actions show that he doesn't see his future with you (whatever his words might say) is the reason you should get out. Looking for reasons or evidence of something else going on is just getting into stupid games with him - and whatever answer you get doesn't make any difference to what you need to do anyway.

And stop letting the idea he will go back to his lovely life stop you making the right decision. Who cares what he does next? You deserve to be with someone who includes you in their life and sees you in their future. Stop making this about him, it's about you.

DeathStare · 06/11/2016 06:59

And no. Don't call his wife. It makes you look like a bunny boiler and changes nothing. There is nothing she can say to you or you can say to her that will make you feel any happier when you put the phone down. You'll still need to dump him before you feel any better, and you'll have lost your dignity

Believeitornot · 06/11/2016 07:00

How do you know he lived with his parents...

my friend was in a relationship with a guy with children. It was an affair. It went on for years as he strung her along.

After many years she got the courage to dump him. He went back to his wife.

I don't think he and his wife ever split up.

Lunar1 · 06/11/2016 07:05

Leave his wife alone, your issues are with him.

Original poster
justme1122 · 06/11/2016 08:37

Just to clarify - they were never married.
Thanks for your help.
I was in my head thinking that if I could just confirm my suspicions would make the decision much easier.
Plus the fact that if I leave - he has got away with taking two women for an absolute ride. And one of them will never know.
She is on social media yes. For obvious reasons. He isn't.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 06/11/2016 08:48

Have you met his parents?
His siblings?
Do you go out in public together? On dates?
Have you met his friends?

If the answer to these is a predominant NO, then I'd say you're a secret.... his mistress.
Does the Ex live in the same town as you?

And .. yes. .. you would be out of line to contact her.

rainbowstardrops · 06/11/2016 08:58

Sounds like a totally weird set up to me.
You've been with him for five years not five months, so if he hasn't introduced you to any of his family yet then I don't suppose he ever will.

Sounds like he's stringing you along. I'd get rid and not waste another five years on him.

Original poster
justme1122 · 06/11/2016 09:39

Sandy:
Yeah I have met his mum and dad. And cousins. Not siblings. His parents play along for him and tell others he lives with them. As far as I know they don't advertise my existence.
Sadly his ex lives on the next road.
We go on dates - but never in our area - always like 25 mins out. Which is a pain in the bum after a while. X

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 06/11/2016 09:45

Honestly luv it sounds like you should dump him it all sounds way too hard and you are driving yourself nuts. Is it worth it?

mamas12 · 06/11/2016 11:00

I get what you mean re contacting the ex as if your suspicions are right and you are just the ow she does need to know
Don't do it on fb though

PickAChew · 06/11/2016 11:04

If you dump him, then he never gets to treat you like his dirty secret ever again. This is about you and him and not his ex because, presumably, they didn't split up because everything in their relationship was hunkydory.

FuzzyDiamond · 06/11/2016 11:09

Sounds like you already know the truth. Cut your losses and get yourself out of this situation. It can't be doing anything for your self esteem having to act like a dirty little secret. Leave the wife alone, he probably has told her so many lies that she won't believe you and you will come off looking unhinged.

You deserve a relationship with a man that is proud to have you.

tribpot · 06/11/2016 11:09

Sounds like his parents are covering for him with you and covering for him with her. The whole thing sounds exhausting and depressing.

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