I am out of line

[justme1122]

Me and my partner has been together for 5 years.
He won't let me meet his kids. Now 13 and 8.
He says his ex knows about me. But how do I know. He never answers her calls around me. And is very secretive of his phone.
Am I out of line to message her myself.

We go on dates - but never in our area - always like 25 mins out. Which is a pain in the bum after a while.

Have you asked him why you never go out in your area? Because if she knows why would you have to do this?

What would happen if you planned a date locally?

Is he featured in her social media?

Some parents are good at colluding with their children cheating unfortunately.

But you have to ask yourself ... where's the future in this relationship.

His secretive nature with the phone shows he has something to hide.

You don't need a smoking gun. This isn't a court of law and he's not on trial for murder ... you have enough information to end this relationship with.

You say he'll go back to his happy life? What's to say that never ended and he's living the dream with his partner and mistress so close to each other.

Does this man spend any nights away from home for work etc? Sounds like he's living a double life.

Ultimately, if you're not happy you need to act on that. Contacting an ex would be out of line unless you think that are still together.

ifI could just confirm my suspicions would make the decision much easier
Plus the fact that if I leave - he has got away with taking two women for an absolute ride. And one of them will never know

So you're going to stay with a man who makes you miserable and who has made it clear he has no future with you just so you can play Hercule Poirot? Do you see how ridiculous that is?

And at the moment yes he is (possibly) taking two women for a ride but one of those women knows she is being taken for a ride and is choosing to go along with it. And that woman is you

You cannot control what happens with his ex. He may still be with her. He may not. He might be with someone else. He might go back to her if you split. He might not. She might actually know about you and have been told you don't know about her. There is no way of knowing. Even if you contact her she may not tell you the truth and you could easily end up looking like a bunny boiler and both of them walking away with their dignity and ridiculing you.

You cannot control her future. You can control your own. You would be ridiculous to sacrifice your own future just to prove a point.

God yeah I'd get in contact with her. You'll drive yourself mad never knowing the truth otherwise.

Not that it's going to change my post, but how old are his DC? You've already said you're embarrassed and your esteem must be crushed by his actions. Don't allow him to make you feel like this. Leave him and if he's serious about you and loves you it's easily resolved. If not, move on with your life and be with so who is proud to be with you and wants to shout it from you rooftops

I'd contact her because even if you did dump him anyway he would simply replace you anyway, with this women knowing it will be a a lot more difficult for him to have two women at the same time. Besides think she has a right to know that he is bullshitting her by saying that he is living with his parents. Don't feel he should have a free ride and to be honest if you left without saying anything and what you suspect was true he would have got away scot free and wouldn't really care. Don't think you should make it easy for him, besides think you have a right to ask his so called ex if she's an ex if you've given him 5 u years of your life. Would ask without any hesitation as everyone including yourself deserve the truth and he deserved to be exposed for the rat that he is [if he is one]😊

I don't see what you've got to lose by contacting her tbh. Either you will discover you are the OW and you can end the relationship secure in your decision and she can make an informed decision about her relationship, or you will discover that she actually is an ex and she might think you're a bit weird/insecure - so what if she does? If she's an ex, who cares what she thinks. He might be annoyed but then that's his fault for acting so weirdly for the last 5 years. It does sound to me like you're the OW, I would want to know as well.

I think you should contact her too, but you must do it in the knowledge that this is going to end your relationship with him. If she confirms that he is still with her, then game over. If he's not with her, she will tell him you've been in contact and you will have to deal with the fallout from that.

I don't blame you for wanting answers but you cannot continue in a relationship that is based on secrecy and lies.

Happened to my sister. She moved half way across the country to be with him. After 2 years he dumped her and went on to another mistress. I could see it from a mile off at the beginning I wish she could have.

Just a thought against the grain, if I were "the ex" and he was carrying on, I would want to know my partner was being unfaithful.
I can understand anything up to a year on not meeting his kids, you know, so as not to confuse them. And as for siblings, a few months maybe, depending on where they live in the country. I think it's very strange after 5 years, so he is being dishonest about something! Xxx

This relationship is dead in the water. I actually would contact her and say that she's probably fully aware that you've been together for 5 years and are doing her the courtesy of telling her it's over since he has such great form for discretion.

He sounds really peculiar.

You are absolutely NOT out of line to message her yourself. If he is cheating she has a right to know. Don't understand the thinking behind that at all. I would call her OP to get clarity, but as a previous poster said, it is likely to end your relationship.

However I do agree with the rest of Deathstare's post in that, whatever the outcome of the phonecall is, you're obviously unhappy with the way the relationship is going and ultimately that alone is enough reason to leave.

I should say IMHO as that first bit sounded abit OTT, sorry!