Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

What does your oh do with the children?

49 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 10:47

Pretty sure my situation isn't normal. Husband works full time, 5,5 days. Leaves at 7 could be back by 4.30 but rarely is. I work 3 days, leave at 7, back by 6 - 6.30.

Ds wakes at 5. I bf for a bit, then go and get his milk and cups of tea while h entertains him on our bed.
H might take ds downstairs while I get ready, brings him back up if he poops.
I do everything else during the day. Inc drop off at dm or Mil for childcare. Mil has him home for me on her days.
H helps at bathtime . I put to bed. I then wash up, cook, makes,lunches etc.
I bf back to sleep in the night.

Weekends are similar.

H has had ds on his own a handful of times ever, and has never taken him anywhere alone. He's had him for a nap once when I had to go to hospital.

I'm pregnant with the second and thinking I may be better off alone.

Please, don't ask why I had children with him. It's done now and I'm pleased I've got them. I'm just about past it.

OP posts:

operaha · 05/11/2016 10:53

Different situation, we have no children together but dh has two of his own. He does everything and did when he was with his ex, other than bf, which as soon as they were bottle fed, he did. Not much help, but he literally can and does do everything for them, it's one of the things that attracted me to him.
Have you had serious conversations about why the work load isn't more balanced?
I couldn't live like that. Sis has just had a baby and what you're describing is how her life is, she's miserable.

Prisencolinensinainciusol · 05/11/2016 10:56

When DH is at home he does everything I do in terms of childcare, he is completely competent and willing in all aspects. Mine are older now but when they were babies I would often hand them over, saying, 'your turn', when they did a poo in their nappy. From day one I made absolutely sure he did his fair share of shitty nappies!

We eat dinner all together then one does bedtime and the other tidies up after dinner.

Sleepingbunnies · 05/11/2016 10:56

He does everything. He changes the baby, he cooks dinner, he helps with the housework, he takes the DCs out. Your H sounds like an idiot. You would be better off alone! Have you never questioned this before with him?

Myusernameismyusername · 05/11/2016 10:57

When mine were little I just said I was going out to the shops or something and left him. I didn't ask first. It's not like he asked me to look after the kids.
Have you tried being assertive about it?
I'm not with ex now for other reasons but when I had 2 under 2 I worked weekends and he had no choice but to look after them. Initially I left him lists broken down of meal times and nap times and he just had to do it! He would phone me a lot at first but it did get better.

When I had no2 he took toddler to shops while I had baby to help out
We took turns in getting up weekends but he was crap at bedtimes so he did the Bath (or together) and I did bed. I usually cooked but we would feed them together. He would take them to the park or watch Tv or play with them while I did housework or we did housework together to get it done faster

OldBooks · 05/11/2016 11:02

DH works full time, I work 4 days but am currently on mat leave. He does a share of everything: cooking, cleaning, looking after both girls including nappies etc. He feels bad that he doesn't do more and would feel terrible not to do his share.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 11:04

We have spoken. Several times. I have said my life would be easier if I was alone. I wouldn't have the cooking Every night as would eat something small with ds. He has literally never fed him.

He does try to put his nappy on at bedtime but that is the worst time of all as he just wants to get up and run away.

He's never got up with him so I can have a lie in. He doesn't do housework. Or cook. Will occasionally wash up. Does his own washing.

OP posts:

Artandco · 05/11/2016 11:05

Dh does everything I would. We both travel with work away for days at a time an dknow we can just leave door and say bye and the other will know what to do without instructions.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 11:05

I can't understand how he thinks it OK. How he is OK with it.

OP posts:

Artandco · 05/11/2016 11:06

Why are you with him still then? I know you say what's done is done baby wise, but now he can be told to leave surely as contributing 0 to family to personal relationships.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 11:08

I don't know Art. I'm feeling pretty shit about it tbh. I've been here so many times (in this mindset) and every time fail to do something about it. I just don't seem to have it in me to tell him to go.

He thinks I'm unreasonable.

OP posts:

Artandco · 05/11/2016 11:11

Can you talk to him about how he should be doing at least 50/50? How you should be able to just go out alone and he be able to feed child, take them out and entertain, and know how to generally care for them?

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 11:15

I have done. I think this is really at the forefront of my mind as am 6 months pregnant, last time had an unexpected overnight in hospital. And may need a c section. And am automatically thinking about getting dm and Mil to have ds overnight as practice in case of emergency, and if I have a c section going to stay with my mum for a bit.

Because whatever I say, it doesn't changes had a minor row last night, literally just a few cross words, and he said he might as well just go. Then didn't.

OP posts:

Katkin14 · 05/11/2016 11:16

I work full time and my husband is a stay at home Dad to our 2 year old DS. He does everything for him while I'm at work and the majority of the housework. We split looking after DS and the cooking/chores in the evenings and on the weekend. DH is setting up as a childminder at the moment though, so when that kicks off I'll have to pick up more of the housework.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 05/11/2016 11:16

Dh works long hrs and isn't usually home til after the kids are in bed so I do pretty much everything.
I have no issues with going out and leaving him with the kids when he is at home. I'll go out for a whole day sometimes and dh will cook breakfast, make sure they're dressed etc, take them out to the park and take them out for dinner and whatever else is needed.
I've always been happy to leave him with the kids from when they were very young.
I did start off with writing lists of what needed to be done when etc because he wasn't used to it but after a few times and as they got older, he found his own rhythm with them.
Op does he refuse to take ds out or do much more?

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 11:17

I told him I had list respect for him. Because when ds bedtimes,we're difficult, I would come down once he was asleep to find all the washing up still there (if I had been at work) no meal started, no sandwiches made (his) and him either in the bath or in front of the TV.

OP posts:

Unicorn1981 · 05/11/2016 11:28

My DP works ft and is sometimes so busy he won't be home till 6.30 so I cook every night and get dd ready for bed. Then do washing up if DP still not home. If he is we will share the tasks out so one gets dd sorted while other does washing up etc. At weekends we take it in turns to get up early with her. He will take her swimming or to something else. We all go out as a family too. On my weekend get up I will do something while he has a lie in. He does quite a bit of cooking at the weekend as I am a bit sick of it by then. We share jobs equally although as I don't work atm I do them during the week. I'm just about to start working ft so he knows I'll have less time to do stuff. At the end of the day he is the father so he should want to do stuff. How can anyone see taking the kids out as anything other than fun!

Wheelerdeeler · 05/11/2016 11:37

Does his mother not comment on this?

ReySkywalker · 05/11/2016 11:37

I am a sahm, dh full time. We have 7yo and 2yo.
Take turns getting up every second morning with kids at 6.30am make kids breakfasts, empty dishwasher and change youngest, dh leaves at 8 and I do school run and the rest till dh home at 5. Depending on the day he'll mind youngest while I make dinner or take eldest to after school activities. Then dinner, one of us tidies up while other bathes youngest, then we take it in turns to put each dc to bed and whoever's finished first will make next day'a lunch for eldest.
Weekend 50/50 but dh spends around 6hrs on hobby and I'll go out with friends or something.

It was a struggle to get here though. DH is lovely but just didn't get the amount of work/organising that needed to be done. I wrote everything down, even tiny little jobs like remembering kids library book returns because everything was falling to me by default.

It sounds like you have a good handle on things without him though.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/11/2016 11:38

You are his servant. He likes it. He has made it clear that he won't change, he likes being the master. He knows it makes you unhappy but he doesn't care.

Stop wasting your time trying to convince him that he should take on "servant" duties too. He has made himself completely clear to you where he stands on that.

If I were you I would choose to be my own master. I'll not be a slave just because some jumped up little twat of a man has decided he wants a servant and he thinks I have no choice but to be his servant. Fuck that. I'll show you my choice fuck face.

MrsBertBibby · 05/11/2016 11:39

My ex was like this. I left when our son was 18 months, thinking life would be easier.

I was absolutely right, it was wonderful. Next best thing I ever did after hving a baby.

RiverTam · 05/11/2016 11:40

You're not his wife, you're his house elf. Possibly MIL was his house elf before.

It sounds like you would be better off alone. Hard work, but no layabout to deal with, which must be mentally exhausting as well as doing all the actual work.

mrsmugoo · 05/11/2016 11:53

Not a typical situation as my DH runs his own business and works at home a lot of the time even when he's not in the office. 7 days a week, evenings too, due to the nature of his industry (music)

When he's working I look after the children. When he's not, we share. We split the domestic chores 50/50.

It works out that I do the majority of the childcare but if I insisted on doing less it would mean me getting significantly more free time then him which wouldn't be fair. We basically try to aim for us both having a similar amount of free time. What we do in the non- free time is kind of irrelevant.

BlackeyedSusan · 05/11/2016 13:58

why did I have children with him.... yeah well, it is assumed that you can predict the future and see how they are going to be with children before you have children...

let him make his own sandwiches and tea. you eat something with ds. at least make your life easier while you decide what to do and gather info if you need it.

BlackeyedSusan · 05/11/2016 18:25

it is easier doing it all alone as there is no-one laying about leading to resentment. also there is one less person making a mess etc.

if he learns to have the children alone and is safe and capable then you wil get a day off too.

you may loose mils help though.

best situation would be he pulls his finger out and pulls his own weight.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 18:30

blackeyedsusan I have to say I did believe the total bullocks he was talking when we spoke about children. I shouldn't have really given his form, but also I had left it late as it is without the prospect of splitting up, finding new partner and then having children.

My thoughts exactly about doing it alone, I wouldn't be constantly disappointed by his failure to step up and do anything useful.

And, I could reasonably expect him to take child/children off for a day at the weekend (with his mums help.......) or wouldn't feel obliged to be at home at the weekend so he sees ds.

I won't lose MIL, she's a gem, even if she raised her son to be an incompetent husband/father.

I don't think he's going to change his ways. He didn't believe me (!!) when I told him that him making his sandwiches and washing up would make me feel better about things.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2