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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What does your oh do with the children?

49 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 10:47

Pretty sure my situation isn't normal. Husband works full time, 5,5 days. Leaves at 7 could be back by 4.30 but rarely is. I work 3 days, leave at 7, back by 6 - 6.30.

Ds wakes at 5. I bf for a bit, then go and get his milk and cups of tea while h entertains him on our bed.
H might take ds downstairs while I get ready, brings him back up if he poops.
I do everything else during the day. Inc drop off at dm or Mil for childcare. Mil has him home for me on her days.
H helps at bathtime . I put to bed. I then wash up, cook, makes,lunches etc.
I bf back to sleep in the night.

Weekends are similar.

H has had ds on his own a handful of times ever, and has never taken him anywhere alone. He's had him for a nap once when I had to go to hospital.

I'm pregnant with the second and thinking I may be better off alone.

Please, don't ask why I had children with him. It's done now and I'm pleased I've got them. I'm just about past it.

OP posts:

GrubbyWindows · 05/11/2016 18:46

Ugh, this sounds awful!
Definitely time to stop making his sandwiches and meals while you figure out the next step...

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 18:58

I feel so bloody petty if I do that.

OP posts:

theredjellybean · 05/11/2016 19:08

i don't think it is petty...why exactly are you doing all these things for him ?
if it suits you better to eat with ds and not cook an evening meal then fgs don't do it, and don't do his laundry and just hand the baby over when he has dirty nappy..

at the weekend say you are going out and go.....he will have to cope.

I think we enable men to be 'hopeless' and then excuse them or moan about them ...saying they haven't stepped up as a father, but the bottom line is you are allowing this behaviour . Stop enabling him .

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 19:15

No I know it's not petty. I just feel that way.

I don't feel happy handing ds over and going. I would if he took any notice AT ALL of what happens wrt meal times, what he eats, what to cut up so he doesn't choke etc. When to change a nappy, give him a drink etc etc. Naps.

We (ds and I) went away for a few days. I left easy stuff for H meals. He didn't eat any of it. He let ham go off and had jam sandwiches ffs.

OP posts:

YonicProbe · 05/11/2016 19:18

Definitely stop doing his sandwiches, he's doing nothing for you or for the house.

Consider leaving.

ecuse · 05/11/2016 19:22

In answer to your OP - my husband is a SAHD and primary carer to our DD2 and DD5. He does the majority of the laundry, hoovering, we spilt the rest fairly evenly.

SunnySideDownUp · 05/11/2016 19:33

Very different situation in our house. Currently on mat leave expecting second child, so this is the pre-mat leave situation:

Mon, Tues, Thurs - I wake at 5.45, get myself ready and off to work. Might do a bit with dd, 5 mins of story /nappy change etc. DH gets her dressed, fed, packs nursery bags (I offer to do it night before but he likes to do it), takes her to nursery. Picks her up from nursery, feeds her dinner if needed, does bedtime, sorts himself out with dinner. I get back at 8.30 (all meals out of house). One or other of us puts dishwasher on, dh will do a load of washing and whoever has the energy puts it on airer. (I put dd's clothes away.)

My WFH day: get up together or one of us has a mini lie in. I usually dress dd whilst dh sorts nursery bag. DH takes dd to nursery. He has a morning to himself, then looks after dd in the afternoon. He does all required jobs such as feeding her, nappies, taking her to park/library etc. I'll usually do some washing whilst working, dh will do housework type stuff in the morning like dishwasher, lawn mowing etc.

Other 3 days of the week it's a pretty even share of childcare and housework. We have jobs that we each tend to gravitate towards, such as I usually do online food shops.

I'm very aware that this split of responsibilities is unusual, but on the other hand, dh would much rather look after dd than work. And I enjoy my career.

I'm not going to advise you whether you should leave or not. On the surface, what I've described above sounds great. But in reality, dh has a stronger relationship with dd than I do, as he's there for her more. He's a grumpy git and that does my head in. He's obsessed about having enough time to himself (apparently my 5 hour commute is a luxury...). Each relationship has its flaws, and has different needs.

theredjellybean · 05/11/2016 19:35

I am always amazed that women leave meals when they go away ...did your DH starve before he married you ? No...i bet he can manage, and i bet he would manage DS just fine..the problem is ( and i was just as guilty of this once) is that you OP have never let him get on with it and thus enable his 'learned helplessness' or ' learned incompetence'. Ok so if you went out for an hour or so your ds might not get a nap or nappy change but the world would not end and if you gradually built up the time your DH would have to feed him and put him to bed etc at some point.
Honestly i used to be like this and one day so overwhelmed with tiredness and stress just cracked and decided the only way was to let exdh manage ..and if dd only got marmite sandwhiches for meals , well so be it, and if he dressed her in outlandish outfits..so be it...
you are enabling his behaviour and it will not change while you continue to do so.
small steps ...stop making his lunch and start with one hour at the weekend going out. Do not make big song or dance , or 'ask' permission.
If he asks where his sandwhiches are I would just sweetly say ' oh your lunch , you make it ' and carry on with whatever you are doing...

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2016 19:43

Don't get me wrong, I HAVE tried. I started going out on a Sunday morning, for literally one hour. Every single time, ds was in the playpen or highchair with the laptop in front of him. Or in front of husband. At weekends I make lunch and ds and I sit at the table. H walks into the front room with his. I have said 'you feed him the yogurt' he gives one spoonful or wanders off. Or tells him off for being messy.

I suppose the real issue is, I don't want to have to just leave ds with him. I want him to take an interest, to want to do stuff for himself and ds, not just to 'help' me.

And no he didn't starve before we got together, because his mum cooked for him.

OP posts:

Lis1 · 05/11/2016 19:49

I do literally everything during week as husband works away... however he picks DS up from school/takes him if he is home to do so.
Takes DS to hobbies (we share that or sometimes both go).
Mucks in with meals/bathing/getting dressed and takes him out and about with him too. They play in the house together too.
I do bed times but that is more due to the routine because of him working away and DS prefers that.

Ohdearducks · 05/11/2016 19:59

I've read mainly your replies OP. I think the bottom line is; he has zero respect for you.
He appears to deem all the grunt work as beneath him but thinks it's fine for you! He's nothing more than a little boy who needs his mummy to clean up after him. To me there's no bigger turn off than a silly baby man like that. You've tried and tried to get him to do his bit and take an interest in his child but it's fallen on deaf ears. Time to make plans to go it alone, you're pretty much doing that anyway! Except at the moment you have an extra child to take care of.

ThinkOfTheMice · 05/11/2016 20:05

You've replaced his mum.

Leave him.

Crazeecurlee · 05/11/2016 22:19

You've tried and he hasn't listened... what else is there to do? Do you have any family you could stay with for a while? I'm not saying LTB necessarily, but maybe your being gone for a while will give him the kick up the bum he needs to realise how utterly unfair he is being. Also, it might give you the space to think clearly and get some help from family?

thethoughtfox · 05/11/2016 22:24

I was a SAHM, now working 2 days a week. I'm used to doing most things during the week. They play for half an hour every night before bed and dh does some of the bedtime routine each night. I do the early rise every Sat and Sun morning but then when he gets up they walk to get nice coffees for us ( and Innocent smoothie for DD age 3) and on Sat or Sun he takes her on the train into town for brunch.

CocktailQueen · 05/11/2016 22:34

He is a useless twat. You've talked to him; he hasn't listened. He sounds hopelessly incompetent and disinterested,

Leave him.

GrubbyWindows · 06/11/2016 19:08

He won't even eat with you???? That would do it for me- that used to drive me mad in houseshares, everyone having their own separate little meal. That would not be acceptable behaviour for a child, and it isn't for an adult.
You would not be in the least petty to refuse to feed him, and to leave.
Out of interest, have you spoken to MIL about this?

wobblywonderwoman · 06/11/2016 19:27

His mother might be lovely but she has not raised him well.

Dh mother is also a nice woman but the first couple of years of our marriage was really hard because of wifework. I nwaelu left.

I talked to dh and now he is outstanding. I still cook and clean but dh does a lot - probably more than me overall - but he cottoned on once I explained I earned the exact same as him. Today he has done five loads of washing while I did the grocery shop and batch cooked and then he took the DC out so I could relax for a couple of hours.

Don't pander to him

Want2bSupermum · 06/11/2016 19:33

It doesn't matter what is happening in other families, you are not happy with your arrangement in your home.

Have a word with him about parenting. Tell him straight that you are both working and contributing to the household income so expect him to either contribute or hire someone to do his contribution for him. Be honest that the current set up isn't working for you and if it continues you see your relationship falling apart but that you don't want that.

I would also reduce bedroom activity. Tell him you are tired because you did x, y and z and if he does it tomorrow you will feel much more in the mood. Its very cliche but this was very effective at training my DH after DD was born. Now we have 3DC and he is with them now while I take a break and MN!

peppajay · 06/11/2016 19:40

F ALL! Never has never will. Has never changed a nappy bathed them fed them. Won't have them on his own. They are now 8 and 10. Crap father but fabulous housekeeper spends all his time cleaning and tidying. Should have kicked him out years ago!!

LuluJakey1 · 06/11/2016 19:45

DH does everything. We split it.

If he didn't, I wouldn't be pregnant again. I don't work at the moment but he still does his fair share.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/11/2016 08:33

Hmm. So I didn't do the sandwiches last night, had q cooker crisis and forgot about it'll I went to bed and thought, no, he's perfectly capable. I did 'cook' heated up curry but I wanted to eat too.

Ds had a lay in, and so we were asleep when h got up. He brought ds milk (too hot) and my tea (too cold) up to bed.

I don't like the idea of having to TELL him to do stuff but that's the way it's going for now.

OP posts:

GrubbyWindows · 08/11/2016 21:12

Wow, well done re the sarnies! How's it been since?

Beebeeeight · 08/11/2016 21:25

Did he want kids?

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 09/11/2016 21:11

He's said I need to include him.more and ask for his help.more. I don't see it as 'his help' but just 'what needs doing' but it's a start I guess. I do feel resentful of this a bit though as no one tells me what needs to be done, and in fact, I've told him many times.

Yes, he did/does want children. I was putting it off tbh as kind of expected this. Then got too old to put it off any longer.

OP posts:

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