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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel let down

28 replies

kateshair · 31/10/2016 16:27

I've been seeing a man for 18 months now.. Lovely and get on really well. The only downside is his ex. He has two kids with her. He splits 50/50 custody with her all good he get me on ok with her .
But he has been know to still do family things with her and kids. Trips out, meal here and there. All makes me feel uneasy now the latest he has been visti get her house he says to look after kids he lives ten mins down the road. I'm not too happy with this what do you all think ?

OP posts:
Maverickismywingman · 31/10/2016 16:29

He's looking after the kids. That's what you said.

For some people being close with an ex and kids is an issue. It isn't for others. So you need to decide if this life with him suits you.

Have you spoken to him about any of this?

Original poster
kateshair · 31/10/2016 16:32

He doesn't need to be round her house. What happens when her new fella moves in ? Doubt she d want him there then ?
It just feels odd

OP posts:
booksandcoffee · 31/10/2016 16:32

It sounds like a matter of trust. I am still friends with my ex, but there is no way I would give up the relationship I have now to go back with my ex. Having a friendship does not mean wanting to go back with someone.

Original poster
kateshair · 31/10/2016 16:36

He knows I feel uneasy re this. I have said before...
Doubt he d like it if I did it.
It's like he is happy to risk what we have for nothing.
Very noble to do it but part of me thinks he just doesn't care enough for me 😔

OP posts:
jules179 · 31/10/2016 16:38

Why is he risking what you have? Do you think you might need to break up with him because of it?

Joysmum · 31/10/2016 16:47

My parents are best mates now they are divorced. We started end Christmas and all family occasions together as a blended family and my step siblings see my mum as a sort of step mum too!

My mum and dad would never have given up tgeir friendship for anyone. They didn't work out as a couple and there's no way they'd go there again as it never worked.

I'm glad for all involved that they are able to copsrent effectively and hope that one day your insecurities will go so you don't have issues anymore.

jeaux90 · 31/10/2016 16:47

Op honestly I think this says more about you than him. Was this the arrangement they had before you came on the scene? It's good for the kids to see them co parenting well and it's not like he is going round her house for ....well I don't know what's it your mind to be honest. Do you trust him? Does she want him back if it's yes and a no then you need to look to yourself imo. Big hug though, can't be easy. Fwiw I would be bothered x

Maverickismywingman · 31/10/2016 17:00

He's not going to choose you over his kids OP.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 31/10/2016 17:03

It's like he is happy to risk what we have for nothing.
Very noble to do it but part of me thinks he just doesn't care enough for me

'Nothing' = him caring for his children and being a hands-on parent. How, exactly is this nothing OP?

"Very noble of him to do it".... Really?! I'm gobsmacked at your utter selfishness. You think it's 'noble' of him to look after his children and you want him to stop because you don't like it!!

Words just fail me....

Original poster
kateshair · 31/10/2016 17:11

I don't want him to stop looking after his children !!!!
I want him to stop going to her house to do it...
I'm not selfish at all.
I'm actually gutted as he has lied to me. Im not asking him to choose his kids over me Hmm
I'm asking him to draw boundaries with his ex

OP posts:
jules179 · 31/10/2016 17:41

What do you think is going to happen with the ex?

ThatsNoWayToSayGoodbye · 31/10/2016 17:43

kate my exh comes round to my house to look after the children if I go out.

Sometimes he stays over and crashes on the sofa if I'm not going to be back until after midnight, or I'm not sure when I'll be back.

If I've been away for the weekend, or a week on holiday with friends or, in one case, a boyfriend, he's moved in for a few days.

His girlfriend certainly has no reason to be jealous or feel there are no boundaries. The boundaries are actually very clear.

Why do you think are no boundaries? Is it just because you don't like the arrangement?

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 17:45

You take on the baggage then you have to deal with it

You can always vote with your feet if it's not working for you

Original poster
kateshair · 31/10/2016 17:49

I can't be the only one who wouldn't be happy with this ??!
I accept for some people this would be fine but rightly or wrongly it not right for me...
It doesn't help that she was the one who wanted to split up and I'm sure they d be together now if he had his way... I do know I sound insecure.
Awful feeling at the mo... I've said to him it's not for me anymore. Doesn't stop the sadness I feel though...
I don't wish him any ill he is a lovely man....

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 31/10/2016 17:49

This is how he chooses to co-parent. I think it is nice that he and his ex can remain so friendly for their children. I don't think it is right for a new partner to come along and expect him to change this just because they are insecure about it. You can however decide the relationship is not for you.

Original poster
kateshair · 31/10/2016 17:51

Yes it is nice....
I do think tho he will in future when her new man moves in not be allowed round there all the time and they he may think back and wonder.....

OP posts:
Original poster
kateshair · 31/10/2016 17:52

In the mean time I've called time on it as not good how crap it was making me feel and also not fair on him if he feels torn 😔 Am actually gutted though

OP posts:
Joysmum · 31/10/2016 17:54

He has drawn boundaries with his ex, they just aren't where you'd draw them. It's great he can go to his kids other house, rather than seeing it as her house as you do.

AntiqueSinger · 31/10/2016 18:09

Follow your instincts. I have no idea why you're getting such a hard time on here. Well I do, but anyway.

I think you are right to be concerned.

Some people with kids break up and have things very clear and segmented. Dad waits in car for kids, or hallway in house. Doesn't linger around afterwards unless the ex is going out. Doesn't become a tell all missing best friend. No joint family trips. Everything clearly delineated.

Some people with kids break up....but not completely. They liked aspects of the togetherness in the family and the lines are blurred. They go on holidays together as a family, trips, eat at each other's places, share intimate details of their lives like they're still best mates. They're out, but they keep one foot in. It isn't fair to a new partner, it isn't fair to the kids either really. Either stay together and work on your shit, or make a clean break.

I think you're better off out of it. Find a man without the baggage and half a foot missing. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 18:14

Op is not "getting a hard time"

It is being pointed out to her that she a choice

If this arrangement is not working for her, then fine. I think she is in no position to insist that her boyfriend fixes what isn't broken regarding contact with his own children though.

hermione2016 · 31/10/2016 18:16

Are they divorced? Have you met her? Do you feel they communicate outside of the children?

I know you said it's over but analyse your thoughts, what is the fear and have you actually said that to him rather than put in boundaries.

I would have had my ex around my house to look after the children, it makes life easier with bedtimes etc.

CatsGoPurrrr · 31/10/2016 18:30

Crikey.

I'm friends with my DD dad. Mostly... Smile

I feed his cat if he's out, he feeds mine.

We co-parent pretty well and have been out with our DD together for meals, celebrations etc.

Its good for our DD. She's said before about how happy she is we get along compared to some of her friends parents

There is absolutely no attraction between us. At all. We split up for very good reasons.

We're good as friends.

I think the problem is yours and that you've done your ex and his family a favour by splitting up, tbh.

Original poster
kateshair · 31/10/2016 18:58

Thanks antique singer !!
Thing is I have seen it from the other side too. I have an older son with a different father we got on like a house on fire post split... My main memory of it is him trying it on though !! And me feeling very sorry for his girlfriend Shock
That is not what is happening to me but still I remember it all.
We just got on as people... However when he got (serious) with one of his gf then I didn't see him for dustShock
I respected the boundaries of course as that is what I would expect for me.
Every situation is different.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 31/10/2016 19:03

I think it's lovely that they still do things together as a family. They are the children's parents after all.

Not many people will put you ahead of their children, so only you can decide if this will work for you. If I was approached about this, I'd be very annoyed

Meeep · 31/10/2016 19:23

If I dated a divorced man, I would hope he had as amicable a relationship with his ex as possible.
It all sounds quite positive to me.