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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fallen in love...with a *lady*!!! Would you support me to go for it?

42 replies

LadyLuckyLady · 30/10/2016 21:13

Around 3 years ago I met an incredible woman through work. She is, in short, fab.

In January this year I asked my H for a divorce as I realised he treated me & our girls badly, and it was getting worse...it was really abusive & controlling, just not physically so.

My feelings for her have never altered, but now seem possible. I've just managed to tell the woman in question how I feel and...she feels it too! She's lived in LTR with women before and is slightly older than me (fifty something to my forty something).

I love her I love her I love her! Do I do this? How difficult will it be when I've previously been known as part of a hetero couple? Life just seems too short to let such a good fit pass me by - after all, we're both grown ups! And both feeling the love!Flowers

OP posts:
museumum · 30/10/2016 21:16

It'll be fine for you. But go carefully for your girls' sake. How old are they?
A female family member of mine divorced and married a woman when her children were about 16 & 18. Everyone happy now (except ex husband) but male child had a few issues along the way with it all.

WorriedWife2016 · 30/10/2016 21:17

I actually know someone who has done exactly this, it wasn't easy but most people and the people who matter have been and are supportive including families involved, if your not breaking up relationships or cheating on people then go for it but if she is in a LTR then you must I feel consider that persons feelings and do things properly, it really is no one else's business if you have done the right things

Forgettheworld · 30/10/2016 21:17

Yes of course you do it! You don't have to go in full throttle just take your time, go on dates and have lots of fun.

BlackSwan · 30/10/2016 21:18

How did you finally tell her? How did you know she was feeling the same way. Good for you!

PhantasmMode · 30/10/2016 21:20

I'd go for it. Just tread carefully with your girls like a pp has said.

Good luck :-)

Teabay · 30/10/2016 21:26

Well you are a LuckyLady and it sounds like she is too.
If you are both single, go for it. Life is hard and kindness and loveliness are wonderful things. I love your description of "a good fit" - maybe this gut instinct in all you need -and it's noone else's business anyway-

0phelia · 30/10/2016 21:26

Hell yeah.

Just maybe ask yourself if it's a "rebound" thing? (going for someone totally opposite to your previous partner to help get them out of your head)...

Have you had a female partner before?

(I'm bi btw and can genuinely say women are fucking fab)

georgethecat · 30/10/2016 23:00

Life is short & love is precious - go for it!

pointythings · 30/10/2016 23:02

If you're both single and you tread carefully with your girls - hell yes. Much happiness to you both.

Maltropp · 30/10/2016 23:37

Wow good luck.

I was married to a man. We are now separated and I am in a r'ship with a woman (.. It's not all perfect but that has nowt to do with DP being female and perhaps for my own thread another time !! ....) . My kids are accepting and adore my DP, they know I'm happy, ex H is happy (new partner himself). Most people are too self interested to really care about the gender of my partner... I was interesting gossip for a month or two when I first told people but it passed! I happily identify as gay now and have met lots of women who have similarly "jumped the fence" and lived to tell the tale. My DP - previously married to a man also but only been in same sex relationships for the last 15 or so years - doesn't like labels and wholly believes the genre your partner is irrelevant, she just says you love who you love and wouldn't rule out rship s wth either sex, the person is more important. Feel free to pm me if you want.

Maltropp · 30/10/2016 23:38

Doh... Gender not genre above! Fat fingers!

JammyDodger16 · 30/10/2016 23:50

I was in the exact opposite situation - with women until the age of 26 - and it wasn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be. I'm happy with dp and we have a lovely daughter. It quickly became my new norm

ClaudiaJean2016 · 30/10/2016 23:56

Of course you should do it!

moreslackthanslick · 31/10/2016 07:54

Oh please go for it! No labels - you love who you love. I have a friend who did the same (not married or kids prior, but just met someone at work and fell in love so dumped her LTR fella) and she's sooo happy now. 😍😍

moreslackthanslick · 31/10/2016 07:56

Obvs not minimising the fall out that happened when she dumped her LTR boyfriend ... That was a very rough few months for her and him. She lost a few friends too but it was a while back now.

whaaaaat · 31/10/2016 09:49

Another one who's been there, done that Smile

I was with my ex (male) for almost 9 years when I met and fell in love with a woman. I wasn't expecting it at all! I knew I was occasionally attracted to women, but identified as straight overall, so I was really confused when being in a same sex relationship felt "normal" to me. I wasn't surprised that the physical side felt right, but the dynamics of a same sex relationship tbh, I just didn't think were for me. I don't really think about it now. As others have said, you love who you love. It really is that simple when it comes down to it. However, saying all that, you do, unfortunately, need to understand that you might encounter bad reactions from friends and family, or even homophobia from strangers. I've had both. Yes, bottom line is, I adore my dp- love wins and all that, but there are challenges you will face. For example, it's not a nice feeling to have to almost scan an area to see if it's safe to show each other affection \hold hands etc. Things like that can make you feel sad, angry, resentful.

Saying all that, if you love her (you clearly do!) you owe it to yourself to explore this. Take it slow, even though you're already smitten Wink and see where it goes.
.
Completely agree about dreading carefully with your dc. Again, I have experience with that too. This could all but very confusing for them, but if you do it right, there's no reason you can't have a happy ending. Good luck Smile

whaaaaat · 31/10/2016 09:51

Dreading? Confused treading carefully

velourvoyageur · 31/10/2016 10:02

Great post whaaaaat

I'd just like to add that I've never had a homophobic reaction directed at me when I've kissed, hugged and held hands with women in public (and I'm very touchy feely so I've done this a lot!), apart from one occasion where a man stared from his parked car. He didn't say anything.
Clearly homophobia isn't at all extinct, but it is getting better.
I also remember when I was a kid growing up in a little Christian bubble and loving seeing gay couples' PDA (the very rare instances!), because it showed me that it was possible, and normal - it's nice to know that things have changed in the last ten years, and also I like to think that by showing we're ourselves comfortable with gay PDA, we're also helping to keep the cogs of change turning too.

Have fun OP - I'm excited for you!!

mysistersimone · 31/10/2016 10:16

Absolutely go for it! Regardless of gender I'd suggest going slow, not introducing her to your kids until your sure of your relationship and enjoying yourself. As long as you're both single you're not hurting anyone. Just be prepared there might be a bit of shock when family and friends find out but be tolerant, it's not always homophobic sometimes it's just a reaction to a surprise change

An old friend went through this but she was aggresive to telling family and friends like she dared them to be surprised or react.

whaaaaat · 31/10/2016 11:24

Velour, thanks. Apart from all the grammatical errors grrrr Grin

God, I hope I didn't make it sound as though homophobia is inevitable. It certainly isn't. It's just something that, unfortunately, you might want to be prepared for. I sincerely hope you're prepared for nothing though Smile

whaaaaat · 31/10/2016 11:39

Oh dear, that sounds even worse! Don't prepare for it, just understand that there are some ignorant arseholes out there sadly.

DashboardLightParadise · 31/10/2016 11:47

I have only had relationships with men previously and am now in a relationship with a woman. I've always had an inkling on women (as well as men) but never acted on it until last year. My dc don't know her as anything other than a friend atm, one day I will tell them but as yet it's too soon. We have had a few homophobic comments directed at us but only from drunk people Hmm Most people don't give a damn. Friends and family have been wonderfully accepting although I'm sure they found it strange since I'm not exactly a youngster anymore Grin

Go for it, life's too short to do anything other than follow your heart. I love my dp to bits, she's an incredible person who brings out the best in me.

EisforEffingHell · 31/10/2016 20:07

I do envy you. There is a woman who reads these forums who I'm besotted with, no balls to tell them though. I sometimes think that I can't be imaging the tension but then again... who knows. Arse.

GrinWine

velourvoyageur · 01/11/2016 07:22

Eisfor oh wow! please tell her! it's not like you'll have to see her in public afterwards....you can just namechange
can we all come to the wedding?

whaaaaat no you didn't make it sound like that, it's a good point!

whaaaaat · 01/11/2016 07:58

Eisfor, it's ok.....just come out and say you love me who it is Wink

Velour, ah ok, good.