Enough is enough....

[tiger67]

Hello. I'm not sure of where to post this but here goes...

My fiancé has a 3 year old son, I have 2 older kids aswell. Everything is good with us and we are a happy family. We have partners son every weekend and have recently started to have him one night a week too. He's the most gorgeous little boy, I love having him around and do what I can for him.

The issue is his mother, she still feels she has some sort of hold over my partner. I am 100% he feels nothing for her, our relationship is very strong. She just makes everything difficult.

The latest one is she's told my partner he's only allowed to spend £100 on presents for his son as she can't afford anymore and she doesn't want xxxx to think daddy spent more than mummy did on me. She then also says they have to have a 'serious' discussion on what they tell xxxx about Christmas because according to her, santa cannot visit 2 separate houses for him. Firstly he obviously believes in santa so why he would think 'daddy spent more on me than mummy' I have no clue. She's absolutely ridiculous. My fiancé thinks it too, he will argue with her till his blue in the face but she's very insistent on everything. He's made it clear he will spend what he wants to and that's that.

When I first met his little boy, she made it so hard. I understand as a mother how hard it is when the father wants to introduce a new partner to the child. She took it over the top by wanting to know everything about my past (incase I'm secret serial killer or something), insisting that we meet first - just me and her one one one, not my partner lol - and basically just making life very difficult. I played this by messaging her being overly nice and she backed down.

The last one is when they were together they got a car on finance in her name. My partner took the car when they split and he's nearly finished the repayments now - he puts the money in her bank every month as it still goes out of her bank. He's starting a new job in a few weeks where he will get a company car. He's decided he just wants to pay the last few months of the car they got together in just one lump sum. Which he would put in her bank, she can then ring the finance company up and pay it off. But she says he must go round to her house when she rings up as she doesn't know what to say.......seriously...she's in her 30's and she's saying she cannot make a phone call without him lol. I have made it very clear to my fiancé that travelling 40 minutes (she's doesn't live close to us) in the car to her house to make a phone call is absolutely ridiculous and if he did go I would lose it totally. He totally supports me on this and won't be going.

Why is she like this? I could go on and on about what she's like. She will send him texts when we have xxxx to say what she would like us to do with him that weekend. Every now and then we take him to mac Donald's and she goes ballistic. He must have fresh fruit and veg with every meal. Which yeah that's fair enough, we do cook him healthy meals - I'm all for that with my children - but if we want to go to McDonald's then we will go to McDonald's, or Burger King or KFC and Pizza Hut.

A couple of months ago she stopped my partner having xxxx completely because he didn't ring her that morning with a time to pick him up. It's always the same time - about 5.30/6 depending on traffic and what time he finishes work. He rang her when he was on the way to pick him up and she said he wasn't having xxxx because she assumed he wasn't coming and she had made alternative arrangements. This literally broke my partner that weekend, he was so angry. It's an arrangement that's always been in place but just because she hadn't heard from him that day, xxxx ended up at his aunties all weekend. My partner has no idea where she lives so he couldn't even go pick him up from there.

She's never mentioned that she wants him back as far as I know, my partners very open with his phone and there's no messages or anything to suggest she does. From his call log, I can see she rings him during the day when it's at work. It's always an incoming call, very rarely does he ring her and if he does he tells me as it's always because of when we are having xxxx. I should also add that she's never been with anyone else since they split which was a long time ago now.

When he drops off xxxx on a Sunday night, he is always ages. He will always ring me on the way back saying she kept him talking. Whenever he picks up xxxx on a Friday night he is never ready. He usually isn't dressed and he has to wait for the mother to get his things packed and dressed.

On Sunday I actually came with him to drop xxxx off as we were going out afterwards. The look she gave me when she realised I was in the car was disgusting - she's usually nice to me, there's been a few times we've had xxxx extra and my fiancés gone to work so I've either dropped xxxx off with his mum or she's picked him up and we've always been friendly and polite - but she literally slammed the car door shut. My partner literally got xxxx out of the car, gave him a kiss and a cuddle and we left. She was not happy. And I know that's because she likes to keep him there as long as she can. She likes to have a bit of time with him. I just don't know if it's because she wants him back or it's just cos she has one massive problem with me and it's to piss me off. She wasn't happy when we got engaged. My partners told me she was always dropping hints about them getting married but he didn't feel strongly about her and would never of done it.

I should also add that she never really has xxxx. If he's not with us on a weekend for any reason, he stays with his nana. We now have him an extra night through the week (which is absolutely fine) but if my partner ever tries to FaceTime she will always text and say 'I'm out, he's with whoever'. She will leave him with whoever so she gets to go out and do what she wants. This annoys my partner so much that at times he has no idea who's looking after his son. If she ever wants to go out and we can't look after xxxx for whatever reason, she will ask anyone she can so she can still go. He is well and truly fed up of her and her behaviour.

This women just frustrates me so much. At first when she made it so diffficult for me to meet xxxx I sort of respected her thinking she's very protective over her son and as a mother myself I understood that. But now I can see she's not, shes just one to make everything difficult. She rings my partner about absolutely anything and I'm fed up with her thinking she's got a hold over him. He is a brilliant dad, does everything for that little boy.

I'm sorry to rant, I've just held this in for long enough now. Maybe I sound daft but I could go on and on with a list of what she's like. I don't know. The father of my kids had an affair with my best friend and I've been insecure ever since. I trust my partner with my life, he is the best. It's her I have a problem with.

I know I need to think to myself, 'he's with me and that's all that matters' I just find her so difficult to deal with and I'm not sure how much more I can hold it all in.

The question I am asking is, do you think she will eventually stop all this or does something need to be done?

I should of also mentioned we've been together almost 2 years but I've only known his son for about 8 months. We wanted to wait a while before introducing our kids to each other. She been a pain ever since we met but it's been so much worse since I've met xxxx

I feel mean saying this, as she obviously does your head in, but from your OP, I can't see she has actually done anything wrong. She wants to share present buying fairly, she wanted to meet you before introducing you to her most precious thing in the world. Your dh never called her, when he usually does, to say he would be picking up child, so she made alternative arrangements. She is still hurting from being dumped. You maybe need to work on your own insecurities. It sounds like your dp and her have quite a civil relationship. Do you not have one with your ex and you want your dp to be the same with his ex?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but nothing you have said here sounds very unreasonable to me.

I have my own dcs as does my DP. His ex also wanted to meet me and I was ok with that. I had no great yearning to meet my ex's new gf before she met the dcs, but I am glad I got to meet her afterwards as it is hard knowing that your dcs are getting emotionally attached to people who you've never met.

It sounds to me like there are the usual shenanigans at pick up and drop off that entail a few minutes of faffing, some chatting about what has been going on and things coming up etc. Nothing over the top at all in what you've said there.

Sounds to me like your DP is telling you what you want to hear and painting his ex as someone unreasonable.

Re The whole car thing, i would be the same as her, having the responsibility of ending a credit agreement that wasn't really anything to do with me, I'd rather ex was here and made sure it was all done properly. And yes I'm a grown up too, but as he used to deal with the finances I am still not very confident with these things 5 years after he left. I bought a new car last week and felt very out of my depth having to make calls and talk about finance agreement.

As for his ex having a night out when she chooses, if she has reliable childcare in place why the fuck shouldn't she?! You really need to butt out of what happens on her time.

You seem to think she is jealous of you because he has taken the step of getting engaged to you when he didn't marry her. He had a child with her ffs, the biggest commitment there is, so this isn't a competition that you get to win - she will always be there and you need to find a way to stop judging her and get on with co parenting this little boy.

I know it's annoying having an ex who is constantly there - I see far more of my DPs ex than I really need to. However, when you are doing things second time around there are going to be compromises.

He doesn't always call her, it's an arrangement set in stone so he shouldn't need to call her to say 'by the way, I'm picking xxxx up tonight' he doesn't need to because she knows he will be there. He's a fantastic dad and has never let him down.

I do admit I need to work on getting over the hurt that's been given to me in my past for sure. I have a civil relationship with my ex. I hate his guts and always will. My partner has a civil relationship with her for the sake of their son. She will get in touch with him about things that are nothing to do with xxxx. This is my point.

Oh and I've been with my DP for 4 years and no, it probably won't get any better! Only this weekend I heard his DD telling him that her mum doesn't want her to stay at my house when it's his days. Obviously he will take no notice of this, but it's frustrating that it's even something she would consider saying.

Yes same here, phone calls about other family members of hobbies etc. It annoys the shit out of me, but you can't change her. People will behave how they choose and all you can do is to try and rise above it. DP actually tried talking to his ex about her over familiarity and phone calls that interrupt our evenings, but its not much better since then. It's just how she is. "Brain dump! Something is on my mind, must share!"

Unfortunately she left him once with her friends boyfriend, he is a drug dealer. It all came out that while xxxx was sleeping upstairs, there was a drug party going on downstairs xxxx woke up due to the noise and my partner was called to pick him up. It was awful. This was before I met xxxx so I couldn't really have much say in it.

When it all came out, she was very apologetic but it's made my partner obviously very wary of what she does with xxxx when she wants to go out. Which is literally 3 days a week. The other 3 nights she works so he's with his nana or us. He stays at home with his mum one night a week.

Im not saying I don't have insecurities, she just makes life very difficult for us when there is no reason to be.

Big difference between being left with his nana or a drug dealer though. Hopefully she is choosing the former not the latter! Lapse of judgment once many year ago doesn't equal terrible parent forevermore.

Now she will just say 'he's with my friends babysitter' we have no idea who that is. I doubt she would be daft enough to make that mistake again. About a year ago she threw a bucket of water over my partners head for being half an hour late picking xxxx up - due to being a bad traffic accident where someone sadly passed away. This is what I mean, I could go on and on about things that she's done to him.

This struck me: If she ever wants to go out and we can't look after xxxx for whatever reason, she will ask anyone she can so she can still go.

But that's what happens when you're a single mum - if you want to go out and the child's father can't mind the baby, you get a babysitter! When you say "anyone she can" she's asking friends, isn't she? Are you really suggesting she stays in if you can't have their child?

The fact is their relationship will last all of their lives and you have to get used to it. When you have a child with someone that's more binding than any marriage. Of course she has the right to phone him up. They share a child.

This "we" business drives me nuts, tbh. You've only known the child a few months - frankly you're nothing to do with her babysitting arrangements. Can't you see that?

If you read my previous posts, unfortunately not. The main problem my partner has in all this is she constantly tries to tell him what he can and cannot do with their son when in actual fact, he's with us more of the week than he is with her. From tonight we are having him until Thursday night as she's off doing something which is fine. However she's already sent my partner a text that he must be in bed asleep by 7 both nights and he must send proof of this lol. Also as I am watching him all day tomorrow, i have to give him his dinner at 12 and tea at 4. My kids don't have their tea till around 6. Xxxx must be in the bath at 6 so somehow I have to make my own children's tea and bath him both at the same time

Blimey, you really do seem to be projecting a lot with this? I skim read most of it in the end because both females seem to be using the child to look good; either as a gf or mother. Id say so early on into a relationship its not really for you to call the shots-if your dp is so bothered he needs to either grow a pair and stop moaning to you, or do something about it. But are you sure it bothers him as much as you say? Or is it in reality bothering you?
Either way, parents who try to co parent rather than nc are going to do the best for the child-and thats the most important thing

I don't think you are seeing things from her point of view. She's maybe annoying but I don't think she's entirely unreasonable.

If she can't spend lots of money I think it's fair enough not to want your dp to spend more than her on presents. £200 worth of presents seems plenty for a 3 year old anyway.

And she wants to know her ds is eating well and has a routine. 6 o'clock is late for a 3 year old to eat, and 7 sounds like a reasonable bed time and he will need a lot of sleep. She is trying to ensure he is prioritised in your house. That's natural.

She is going to be around for a long time I'm afraid and if you don't like it, it's up to your dp to sort it and you have to stay out of it.

If she works nights and needs to know ds is being collected at a certain time perhaps she really did worry your dp wasn't going to collect him.

It sounds like you're angry and she's angry. Hopefully you will both calm down in time.

I totally understand that as I am he same with my kids but asking for photographic evidence he's asleep my partner thinks is abit too much. I can guarantee if my partner doesn't send a photo over with him asleep at 7pm she will be ringing. If he's still awake she will demand to know why and she will blame my children - xxxx shares a room with my 7 year old and it will be her fault he's not asleep. Then she will threaten to come pick him up.

Surely she has to give a bit of lea way? My partner does his absolute best for that little boy but you cannot expect him to do everything exactly like she does? Not that she does much anyway as he's always with his nana.

And no, unfortunately she was on a night out and had missed a round of free drinks. She wasn't at work

In that case it sounds like there needs to be a formal discussion and agreement about collection times, routines and contact between parents. Your dp needs to sort this.

I do really care about this little boy a lot, when I was first able to see him, I didn't expect for him to spend as much time in our home as he does. He's here over half of the week now and i look after him on my own while my partner is at work.

It makes me sad that he thinks his home is either here or at his nanas house. It makes me sad that he doesn't ever ask for his mum. If you can see it from my point of view, I do everything I can for xxxx, I really do. As does his dad.
I never expected to be this close to him this quickly. I then have to put up with all this from his mother who quite frankly isn't there for her son as a mother should be. I do try meet all her demands. I get pissed off when my kids dad does something I disagree with but not to this extent.

My partner knows something needs sorting, he's tried to be nice, tried to be firm, tried to suggest having something legal in place but she just laughs it off and try's changing to subject. It's time to actually do something now. I think if she had him back, she would totally change her ways and act all motherly again but as that's not going to happen she will just keep doing what she wants. I think that's the only way she can see going forward. I don't know, I give up on this thread anyway now. I've just remembered I've got to go and buy pull ups for xxxx. We ran out on Sunday so he had to wear a nappy as that's all we had and shock horror she went mad. I'm done with this post but I just hope it all gets better soon. Half of this stuff I wasn't going to mention - the relationship the mother and xxxx have - but I feel I've had no choice to get to the bottom of this and I'm glad I have as I know something has to be done now.

My partners actually been reading this thread and it's opened his eyes too to be honest

Agree with PP about formal agreement, otherwise she'll drive you crazy.
The photographic proof thing would be too much for me too. I think if you get a legal custody agreement it would be better as then she would have to accept that it's your house, your rules. But equally, you'd need to accept her choice to go out at night whatever your feelings about it. It would annoy me too but then maybe she needs more reassuring than some. Whatever the reasons, I think your DP needs to get something more official in place for all of your sakes..

This is the thing, I accept that when my kids are with their dad, they will do things differently and that's fine. She has to do that too. If I was going to make xxxx a sandwich for dinner and we only had cheese but she wanted him to have ham, she would well and truly kick off just for something as little as that. In the same phone call she will tell my partner about everything that's going on in her life. Last week she was asking him about what she should wear to go on a date. My partner is amazing and I'll never walk away from him, I just genuinely hope she gets herself sorted out.

He's thinking to just do everything through her mother from now on which I agree is a good start. After all xxxx is with her most of the time anyway. Anyway I'm not going to post anymore, this has given us both a headache lol. But thank you everyone for the replies

Your life would be harder still if DP falls out with his ex. He probably keeps her sweet by humouring her with a bit of chat when collecting their son. She knows full well their son is the only reason they're still in contact. Why wouldn't she feel a bit of a pang at you getting a proposal not her? So what if she blows hot and cold with you, you're an adult and can handle it.

She works, she has a social life, it doesn't sound like she's introduced her child to a string of 'uncles', or jeopardised him.
If DP wants to get things on a formal footing he has to look into it, but as niggling as she can be I have read far worse on these pages. If she decides to be very difficult, these annoyances you list here will look trivial.

As a mum yourself I expect you would take a dim view of your unfaithful ex's gf ever criticising your parenting. You obviously care about this little boy and your heart is in the right place but I really think you have to reconsider how you let this woman get under your skin.

The little boy has his mum his nana and your DP to care for him plus you make him very welcome so he doesn't need you to feel sorry for him. Christmas can be an emotional flashpoint and is already shaping up to be awkward so it's as well to deal this soon than later.

Christmas is sorted, ex says he's allowed to come for 3 hours on Boxing Day and that's it's. Partner is going to try fight for more time but that's what she says. It's just sad partners not allowed to say 'santa has been to daddy's house too' because she won't allow it.

OP - I'm with you on this. She sounds like an absolute nightmare

I could not live with this level of interference at all. When the boy is with you and your dp, she should butt out and leave him (his father!) to parent him. If he does things slightly differently to her (like give him cheese instead of ham ) then so be it.

Yes, of course she is allowed her nights out and is entitled to do whatever she pleases, but she also needs to offer her EX dp the same courtesy.

I speak as a BM whose dh left me when I was pregnant with dd. My dc's were 3yrs and 0yrs when they went to their dad's, with the OW there too, and there is no way I would have interfered to the extent this woman seems to with you.

She sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative and if I were your dp, I would fight for something more official.

And I don't think it is wrong for op to care for this little boy and have the opinions she does. Just as much as the ex is allowed to interfere and ask for photos etc, op is allowed to want what's best for this child.

Re Santa, and spending amounts - if I were you I would do exactly what you and dp want to do. It is HIS child as much as hers and she has no right to dictate how much he spends.

And give him his tea at whatever time suits YOU! Jeez, I would seriously not be able to handle that level of interference.

Thank you Pasanda, that means so much to me. It really does.

Maybe I see things differently to others on here but my partner is just as much as a parent to xxxx as his mother is. When both parents are involved in the child's life they are equal. He is such a good dad too, he loves that boy more than anything.

I can't stand my children's dad but he is just as much involved with them as I am, therefore I have no right to tell him what he can and cannot do with them. Sometimes I wish he would do things differently but my children are happy when they are with him and that's all that matters. It's the same with xxxx. He loves staying at our house, he's well cared for, fed and washed, gets plenty of attention, has his own toys, bed. He has a home here, he's happy here and that should be all that matters.

I do have a strong bond with xxxx, how can I not? He's in my home all the time, i feed him, dress him and wipe his bum lol. And all of these things I have absolutely no problem with doing because I love my partner so much and xxxx is a part of him. Of course I'm going to have a connection with him. I'd get slated on here if I didn't so I can't win really.
I'm sorry for what you have been through, you sound like an incredibly strong person. I wish my partners ex was like you lol X

On the car finance issue I think your partner has to resolve it with her, this is also what others have said.So you are being unreasonable.

Can you see how you laying down the law (you would totally lose it feels extreme) is similar to her laying down the law on other things?

The money spent on Christmas is also fair, maybe he and her need to use different language.Such as we will agree the monetary limits so that each house isn't over spoiling a child.

I think you need to find a way to step back, maybe you are over involved.
I would also caution you that you really, really don't know your partner that well yet.Unless his ex is mentally ill her behaviours towards him are likely to be a result of his and her relationship.

Sure he seems perfect now, but at some stage he was perfect for her as well.He also had a child with her.

I speak as an step mum with and the ex was extremely difficult but being skepical is healthy.Don't let rose tinted glasses allow you to miss some stuff.She won't be all bad and he's not a saint.

Finally you cant change her or how he responses, let him deal with it without you giving input.See how that goes for 6 months.Just observe don't react.

However I think you may need to consider walking away if you are stressing too much and getting angry.The good times will get less as the honeymoon period of your relationship ends so work out if it's worth it.