100% custody but what does that mean?

[donners312]

Really long story but very short version is my XH emptied all bank accounts leaving me and children without a home, doesn't pay a penny in maintenance (is unemployed AKA having enough money because he ripped us off he doesn't need to work therefore doesn't have a legal requirement to pay any maintenance)

I knew once I stopped fighting for money he would start on the kids - he has seen them twice in the past year (briefly) and is now dicking about saying he wants to see the children (but he doesn't really)

He gave me 100% custody - no requests apart from reasonable indirect contact.(phone calls).

Does anyone know what the implications for full custody are I am so exhausted with him?

BTW not trying to stop him seeing the kids but me and children need structure and plans whereas he just randomly says he wants to see them. Refuses t make plans then says i am stopping contact!!

He is a total and utter narc and am following that thread as well as so helpful.

Thank you!!!

Have you got a solicitor yet?

I don't understand your question, what do you mean by "implications", you already have the DC 100% of the time, don't you?

Just ignore him. He will go away. He's probably just bored right now

Ignore one when he requests contact. I feel he is serious he will engage a solicitor and you will then Be able To negotiate a formal contact arrangement. Until you get a solicitor's letter with a contact proposal then ignore.

if he is serious.

When you say he gave you 100% custody what do you mean? Is it court ordered or something you've agreed between yourselves? If is court ordered then you're not obliged to even engage in discussion with him, he can go back to court and try and get the order changed. If it's an informal arrangement tell him to apply to court - if he's too tight to pay maintenance then he's probably too tight to pay the court fees so he'll just slink back off.

OMG thank you all so much for your replies.

Yes the custody arrangement is court ordered.

He is just a total and utter wanker honestly.

I will let him see the children but he has to work around them and their plans (and mine too to a degree),

But he just coms out of the woodwork every few months demanding to see the and making threats and i am sick of it!!

I don't think he would pay to go back to court - because apart from anything else he doesn't appear to give a fuck about these poor children but i do get massively stressed dealing with him (though his sister - i am NC due to his abusive and ridiculous behaviour).

I know it is all about him trying t control me - but i just wondered what is reasonable or unreasonable when it comes to contact. he refuses to produce a schedule or regular contact just these infrequent and intermittent "demands". thanks so much for the advise so far!!! it is reassuring!

so if he got a solicitor now the first step would be for us to negotiate a formal arrangement before court?

I have tried to get him to do this for a year now but so far he has refused to do this.

"Take me to court for anything other than indirect contact" Repeat, repeat, repeat. He'll get bored eventually.

Don't let him see the children without getting the order varied, I can't stress that enough. You have a formal arrangement in place already - no direct contact. Neither him nor a solicitors can make you defy an existing court order, don't let him bully you into thinking he can.

The fact that the waste of oxygen has actually stood up in court and said that he only wants indirect contact shows you what a useless father he is. Please don't disrupt your children's (and your) lives by giving in to his demands. What will you say to them if he visits once or twice, promises them the world and then disappears? My dad did this - it's hard to take as a child and does leave its mark.

He had his chance to fight for contact when you went to court. He chose to wash his hands of them instead - he's made his own bed, let him lay in it.

wow you girls are all so feisty I love it!

Wee baby seamus - I would be interested to hear more about your relationship with your Dad and the effect it all had on you if you feel like sharing?

Also would it be reasonable to tell him he has to have everything children need when/if he see's them?

I just don't see why i should do all the packing, unpacking, washing ironing etc it's not like he has contributed to even one thing they might need when they are with me?

I am so frustrated!!! He still has not replied if he will take them on Friday - I need to set child care etc otherwise.

Don't let him have physical access on Friday or any other day. There is a court order stating indirect contact. If he wants that order varied he can go to court.

The thing is i don't want the children to grow up and ay i stopped contact. TBH they are a bit meh about their Dad but i know they are hoping to see him on friday.

I want them to decide for themselves to a degree what he is like. He makes it easy for them to lose interest in him though as he shows no interest in them and thank god he is not a disney dad - doesn't even give them a tenner on their birthday!!

No I don't think so.

I got 100% custody at court because he said thats what he wanted I didn't say he couldn't have them or see them. It is not because he is abusive to them or anything like that.

well he is psychologically abusive i suppose and everyone IRL says he should not be allowed to see them after the way he has treated them - (left them without a home, stole all the money, and has caused no end of very stressful and expensive drama's, used my CC fraudulently, has never been to see a single school play or watch them at football etc just totally washed his hands of them really with a big dose of emotional abuse chucked in!!)

My experience with a useless dad is that the idea of him was better than the reality. Because when he disappeared when I was 2 I could pretend in my mind that he cared. He came back, dipped in and out of our lives (purely to get at my mum) as and when it suited, and made it clear he just didn't care (despite the tears and the "it's all your mum keeping you away from me" - we saw through it). That hurt. It hurt that he made obvious that he cared only for himself. I find it hard to trust men now and can't imagine what a healthy relationship with a man is like.

The happiest day of my life was when my mum said no more (this was after he promised to take my brother out for his birthday the next week - we didn't see him for 6 months) and stopped contact.

Just awful for you weebabyseamus! It's so hard to know what to do for th best. i feel so bad for the children their Father has no empathy for them at all and has done some awful careless things - part of me thinks they are so much better of without him but all the 'professional' seem to tell me that they are better with any Dad than no Dad which I just do not understand.

How old were you when your mum said no more? my two are 12 and 10. My DD really tried to make things work with her Dad but my DS doesn't bother himself and has no respect for his dad at all.

There were 4 of us, 14, 12, 10 and 1.

We elder 3 had just had enough by then. We didn't enjoy contact, it wasn't fun because all he did was name call our mum and cry about himself (he fabricated a brain tumour to get sympathy from his children).

If your DD wants to try with him then you need to be honest. Me and your dad went to court and he said that he only wants telephone contact.

It's hard as you think that surely any dad is better than no dad. Going through family court myself at the minute and at the start that was my thinking. Court suspended contact until the next hearing, so my son hasn't seen his dad since July. The change in him is amazing. I'm now rethinking whether any dad is actually better than no dad.

I know that is the thing isn't it - the kids are so happy when they don't see their Dads then when they do come back on the scene it really unsettles the children again. My children have seen their Dad twice in a year last time was June. He says I don't allow it but it is impossible to tie him down to an actual date or to make any actual plans.

I really could't tell the children he only asked for telephone contact. it makes me physically sick - the children don't blame me though or anything I think they do know what their dad is like.

I feel really stressed about it at the moment because as i say he said he will take them this week and the children do want to go maybe now it is close enough to the wore to just say it's not going to happen. Again giving him the excuse to say I am stopping contact?

You haven't stopped contact though. He did in court.
You have documentation to say actually he wanted in direct contact.
Anytime his sister mentions contact tell her he needs to go back to court because he gave it all up.
Just repeat everytime, he needs to go to court because all he wanted was indirect contact.

And children having a dad. It's about the children having a constant role model. Normally this is dad but instead of feckless selfish ones, the male role model can be grandfather, an uncle, good family friend, god parent. Basically any male who plays a constant role in the child's life, who is a decent person.

Oh and stop asking the dc's if they want.
Just repeat to his sister he wanted indirect, he needs to get this changed in court.

I'm confused by your use of the term "custody" - that isn't a term the court uses in England/Wales.

If you have a "Child Arrangement Order" that states that your DCs live with you, and gives details of what limitations there will be in contact between them and their Dad, then that is what the court thought was best for them at the time. If you, or your ex, think that the arrangements need to change then either you agree between you, or if you can't, then one or other of you applies to court to change the Order. The court will then decide what is best.

Eh? There is a court order saying indirect contact at his instruction?

Why are you trying to arrange direct contact?

This is just him trying to mess you around and show you that he can do and say whatever he wants and have you all jumping to his tune.

It is simple to me. All the research says a bad dad is worse than no dad at all. He is not interested in his children, he just uses them as a tool to get his narc supply from you. He had given you all the best gift by telling the court he only wants direct contact so just stick by that.

Tell his sister not to bother you with any requests to physically see them since there is a court order saying only indirect contact. Let him have indirect contact.