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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless relationship, is it me?

50 replies

Littleknownmumto1 · 20/10/2016 16:13

Hi ladies,

I've been with my partner coming up for 4 years. For the first year we had a pretty good sex life, then after that something changed, he would constantly reject me to the point that about a year and a half ago I just stopped trying and still nothing happens. I am 21 and he's 23. We're still so young and I just feel like I'm in a dead relationship and I'm destined to feel hideous and revolting. I've spoken to him about it many times and he just brushes it off and acts like everything is fine. I just want to feel sexy and wanted but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 20/10/2016 16:15

Yes, free yourself from your partner. 4 years in & at such young ages, you should be at it like the pigeons.
The constant rejection & brushing off would leave me with no option

Vagabond · 20/10/2016 16:15

Ask him outright. Force the issue and demand an answer.

You're too young to live like this.

ElspethFlashman · 20/10/2016 16:20

You ARE in a dead relationship.

I imagine there's damn all snogging, too. The odd peck, I presume.

You're just friends. Sorry.

LesisMiserable · 20/10/2016 16:23

Its going to hurt, but rip the plaster off and get out of there - IT WILL NOT CHANGE.

talesofthevillage · 20/10/2016 16:30

other posters are right. You are too young to be in a sexless relationship. Sounds like you have a child together? It might not be what you want to hear but time to call it a day.

SleepFreeZone · 20/10/2016 16:31

Bloody hell if you have no children then get out. That's not going to get any better I'm afraid!

EternallyYouthful · 20/10/2016 16:35

Reading her username I think she has a child.

A relationship without sex is not a relationship, if I were you I would leave...

I'm just waiting for someone to come on here and say "Oh he is probably getting it from somewhere else"

In this situation I don't think that's the case.

Flowers for you OP

Original poster
Littleknownmumto1 · 20/10/2016 16:40

We have a 19 month old daughter and a mortgage together. He's a brilliant dad and I think that's half the reason I'm still here. I'm just so tired of feeling like an old lady and completely undesirable.

OP posts:
bert3400 · 20/10/2016 16:44

Your so young to be in a sexless relationship . Have you asked him if he's gay ? Sorry to be blunt but a 23 year old should rampant

leaveittothediva · 20/10/2016 16:47

What's the point, if he doesn't see it as a problem, and he doesn't want to address it. So breaking up is your only option, unless you plan to be celibate. I wish you well.

Chickoletta · 20/10/2016 16:48

You need to talk to him. Tell him what you've told us. Agree with others that you should not be in a sexless relationship but ending a relationship when you have a child together is a huge step.

Cherylene · 20/10/2016 16:53

Has it only been since the birth of your dd? Has he got a problem with pregnancy and childbirth?

ElspethFlashman · 20/10/2016 16:56

There's a lady on here who is married and hasn't had sex since college as that was when he stopped wanting it. So the marriage has never been consummated. It's very sad. And your future basically.

I'll try and find the thread.

ElspethFlashman · 20/10/2016 16:57

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sex/2749480-Zero-sex-for-8-years

Original poster
Littleknownmumto1 · 20/10/2016 18:19

This was happening before my daughter was born so I don't think it has anything to do with her. We've probably had sex once a month at most for the last 2 and a half years.

OP posts:
EternallyYouthful · 20/10/2016 18:19

bert3400

Your comment was very unhelpful and quiet pathetic, how can he possibly be gay if he has a child with a woman and just because he is 23 it doesn't mean he should be "rampant"

Some people really need to think before they type.

OP you really need to talk to him, and stop putting yourself down Flowers

UpYerGansey · 20/10/2016 18:29

Hate to be the bearer of bad news Eternally, but there's shed-loads of gay men out there that are married to women that they've had children with. V sad for all concerned but nonetheless true. Probably a less frequent occurrence than it was 40 years ago but it happens. De Nile isn't just a river in Africa 😬

woowoowoo · 20/10/2016 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EternallyYouthful · 20/10/2016 18:53

UpYerGansey woowoowoo I wouldn't say gay that would make them bisexual no? because at one stage they were attracted to woman, a gay man is someone who has always been physically and sexually attracted to men.

In this case I don't think OPs partner is gay, I hate the fact that people on here always jump to conclusions.

bert3400 · 20/10/2016 19:55

Eternally...your comments are very naive And don't call me pathetic ...you don't know me . and if you weren't hiding behind a computer you would not say that to my face.
OP's DP may be in denial ...many men marry, have children and live a lie hoping they can maintain the facade. Its a question that I would ask my DP if he didn't want to have sex especially being so young . And yes at 23 he should be wanting lots of sex ...I certainly did and so did my DH at that age . Good luck OP, a sexless relationship is going to destroy your self esteem over time

LellyMcKelly · 20/10/2016 20:32

My ex is gay. I had 2 children with him. I also lived in a virtually sexless marriage. He might be gay.

NotTheFordType · 20/10/2016 20:35

He might be gay, he might be asexual. Whatever the case, he has misled you into marriage. Bin him off now while you can still co-parent amicably instead of growing so resentful of each other that you use your child as a weapon.

PiSeas · 20/10/2016 20:42

Jesus. Are you really throwing around the 'gay' card. Reverse the situation. Would you tell a man not having regular sex with his partner that she's gay??
How is it that when men DON'T want regular sex they're gay, but when women don't want it its entirely excusable.
I'm a woman in my late 30's who doesn't want sex anymore. Not because I'm gay. It's because there are other reasons.

HappyCamel · 20/10/2016 21:02

I'm 10 years on from you and in the same situation. DH enjoys TTC but that's it and we're done with kids. It doesn't change. He isn't gay he just enjoys other things more. You have to decide if you want to live like that. I'm financially dependent and have two young kids so I'm stuck. DH is also an awesome dad.

EternallyYouthful · 20/10/2016 21:20

bert3400 I wouldn't say something to someone on here that I wouldn't say to their face, I don't need to hide behind a computer to make a comment I am not a bully or a coward, your comment towards DP was unhelpful and pathetic read it back and you'll see.. It wa something she clearly doesn't need to hear, but hey people on here always jump to conclusions "he's cheating - he's gay" etc

PiSeas I totally agree with what you've said.