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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless relationship, is it me?

50 replies

Littleknownmumto1 · 20/10/2016 16:13

Hi ladies,

I've been with my partner coming up for 4 years. For the first year we had a pretty good sex life, then after that something changed, he would constantly reject me to the point that about a year and a half ago I just stopped trying and still nothing happens. I am 21 and he's 23. We're still so young and I just feel like I'm in a dead relationship and I'm destined to feel hideous and revolting. I've spoken to him about it many times and he just brushes it off and acts like everything is fine. I just want to feel sexy and wanted but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
bert3400 · 20/10/2016 21:53

Eternally this post isn't about you ..if you want attention please get your own post .
Going back to the OP, at 23 not wanting sex for several years with your partner is not normal whether male or female . I would suggest the same conclusion if the OP was male talking about thier female partner. It is something that needs to be considered . The OP needs to eliminate reason why he doesn't want to connect with her physically...and I believe this needs to be addressed . If the OP's partner isn't gay than at least they can try and work out what the hell is wrong.

HappyCamel · 20/10/2016 21:58

It can be simply because they don't enjoy it very much. In the same way that some people love running or eating or whatever and some people do it only when necessary.

I'm not sure you can change his desires or behavior. But you can decide whether it's a deal breaker for you. For myself, if I'd realized sooner how things would be then I would have ended it. But now I'm ten years and two kids in it would just be too much
to change. Being a single parent probably wouldn't get me much sex anyway!

EternallyYouthful · 20/10/2016 22:31

at 23 not wanting sex for several years with your

It is not abnormal either, I come here to offer advice to the OP, so I don't know why you are now saying if I want attention to start my own thread, you have brought negative attention to yourself for writing unhelpful things and making pathetic statements, I don't see anyone here agreeing with what you have said Hmm

OP update us when you can.

bert3400 · 20/10/2016 22:41

Eternally..look on page 1 ...just after you called me pathetic ...that state examples of men who had children then came out as Gay. Not sure about your agenda and why you continue to discredit my post . I am not going to answer you anymore as this is about a young women who is suffering, its not about you . Have a nice evening .

Original poster
Littleknownmumto1 · 20/10/2016 22:46

I have no doubt in my mind that he is not gay. But I still have no explanation for hisale lack of interest in me. I know I put on a lot of weight when I had DD but it was before I even fell pregnantes that this began so I can't even blame it on that - though I'm sure that hasn't helped recently. I'm just at a complete loss as I have no family and very few friends and absolutely nowhere I could stay if I were to leave. I would never get a mortgage alone even with half the equity from my property, could not afford to rent alone as only work part time and it all just petrifies me. Plus I feel like I'm completely undesirable and would never meet anyone that would want me.

OP posts:
bert3400 · 20/10/2016 23:03

Little ...I really hope you can gain some self confidence . Even going for walk with music you love can give you a boost . Small steps to regain some confidence . Once your self esteem is on the up you will be able to deal with your relationship . I really hope you can find happiness, at 21 you have your whole life ahead of you xx

LellyMcKelly · 21/10/2016 05:03

PiSeas, we're 'throwing round the gay card' because it's a possibility. We're not saying he is, just that it's a possibility. It happens. My ex turned out to be gay.

EternallyYouthful · 21/10/2016 09:22

LellyMcKelly OPs partner is not your ex, we shouldn't make assumptions.

Wonkydonkey44 · 21/10/2016 09:51

He won't change, he sounds just like my ex .
No affection no nothing ,

Run a mile and don't look back you deserve more xx

HappyCamel · 21/10/2016 13:18

Eternally you need a Biscuit for telling everyone else what they can say. Controlling much?

ImperialBlether · 21/10/2016 13:21

Is he involved with weed by any chance, OP?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/10/2016 13:29

Yep - Weed and porn as a guess from me too.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 21/10/2016 13:31

Is he involved with weed by any chance, OP?

Along a similar line of investigation, is he on antidepressants? Do you have any reason to think he might have issues with sexual function that he is hiding?

Can I also please ask OP, what constitutes little/no sex for you? Perhaps you've already specified, but all I can see is that he's rejected you more than you're comfortable with; does that mean he is sometimes not rejecting you or even initiating things, all be it infrequently? I'm really just curious at to whether this is a case of dramatically differing sex drives (but he still has one IYSWIM), or if this is a case of literally no sex for months on end being something he's apparently happy with?

Original poster
Littleknownmumto1 · 21/10/2016 13:38

He's never done a drug in his life, no prescription medication either- very anti medications/drugs in general. Couldn't say about porn as I just don't know. For about two years or more now we've probably had sex once a month at the very most and he is not bothered by this whatsoever while it completely haunts me and it's not until I mention it or get upset that we actually do it. Then there will be another large gap until I say something again. I feel like a pest and I'm forcing it. Not a great feeling & super damaging to self esteem

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2016 13:50

Whatever the reasons it is no reflection on you as a person. He is not being at all honest with you here; there are reasons why he is acting like this and he cannot or equally will not tell you. That is unfair of him because I would think he would expect total honesty from you.

You feel like you are in a dead relationship because you really are in a dead relationship. He is not a good dad to his child if he is treating you as her mother like this; it impacts on all and every aspect of your relationship with him.

How does he brush you off and acts like everything is fine?. What happened 3 years ago, how did his rejection of you start?.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 21/10/2016 13:54

No, I can completely see why that would be damaging to you OP, and you really are very young to be shelving an aspect of your life that has the potential to be so vibrant and fulfilling - your sexuality!

I assume he knows how you feel? Unfortunately differing sex drives (when there are no outside influences like past trauma or medication) rarely come together over time, not even for an otherwise strong, healthy relationship. Someone will always end up unhappy.

After the honeymoon period peoples' natural rhythm comes out and that, I'm afraid, can only change so much - if you're hoping he'll accommodate maybe 3-4 times a month instead of monthly you might be able to come to a compromise, but if you're looking for weekly+ I think you need to think very seriously about yourself and your happiness going forward.

EternallyYouthful · 21/10/2016 14:31

Now people are suggesting that he smoked weed and porn, I will never understand why people on here make assumptions, unless they've experienced it themselves. If he "was" smoking weed he would have a higher sex drive.

HmmHmmHmm

OP don't let these "people" put ideas into your head.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 21/10/2016 14:38

I think people were quite reasonably asking the question Eternally. All the better for offering constructive advice, no?

12purpleapples · 21/10/2016 14:44

It doesn't sound like you can carry on in the situation as it is - have you told your husband exactly how bad it makes you feel. Have you discussed how it could work if you were to separate?

TheNaze73 · 21/10/2016 14:49

Who are these "people" you talk about Eternally?

I'm trying to understand why you're making this post all about you?

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 21/10/2016 14:59

It's awful you feel if it's your fault. Has he possibly got depression? This could be a big factor.

He will have to talk to you and see his doctor if he has any issues.

EternallyYouthful · 21/10/2016 16:05

How am I making this post about myself? I haven't said anything about myself or my relationship. I come to offer advice to OP.

Maybe I should ask why people are suggesting he is gay is doing drugs and not to mention watching porn, are you speaking from past experiences or just not happy in your relationships that you want to ruin hers?

SauvignonPlonker · 21/10/2016 16:12

I wonder if he has mentally checked out of the relationship? Maybe he feels he was "forced" to settle down too young, perhaps because of the pregnancy?

You could spend a lot of time thinking about why, especially in the absence of communication from him.

I think your decision should be based on how things are just now; these things don't get better on their own & you will be in the same situation in 10 years.

Conflictedoncemore · 21/10/2016 16:13

I'm hearing this more and more from friends of mine, one such friend hasn't had sex with her boyfriend for over a year! I was outraged and told her they needed 'the talk' sharpish.

Everyone is different OP - my most recent ex to many would have been deemed a sex pest, he would have often wake me up throughout the night for sex, twice a day (at least) just wasn't enough for him. It's about balance. You ought to speak to him and find out why his sex drive is so low, perhaps it's something medical? x

hellsbellsmelons · 21/10/2016 16:26

Eternally it's because we've seen the same thing played out on MN time and time and time again.
So experience tells us this.
Nothing more.
My relationship is just fine thanks.
No my OH doesn't watch porn or take drugs.
It is just that often these are reasons for younger men to lose their sex drives.
Look up 'death grip'
And smoking a lot of weed on a regular basis does NOT make you want more sex. Have a google of that too.

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