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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sleeping with the enemy

36 replies

midlifehope · 18/10/2016 23:16

You know that film where that bloke gets all obsessive about lining up the tins in the cupboard - I have a dp a bit like this. He has got into this habit of constantly shifting both big and small items around the house. Big items like sofas, tables, chairs, record players, heavy shelves full of books - you name it, he does it. He always does it when I'm out and I come back to chaos and disorientation. He does not take my views into account and does not listen if I say I preferred something as it was. He also does this with smaller items such as toys, plates, cutlery, kitchen pots and pans - he is constantly shifting the location of things. He tips out boxes of stuff and does not finish the job - leaving mess everywhere. I am so done with this. It feels disrespectful and chaotic. It does not feel homely. I feel it is controlling. I walked straight out again tonight after work as it was chaotic and he'd moved all the cupboards of the kitchen around again today. when I got back home at 10pm he had tipped my groceries out on the floor (as a punishment for me going out??) I need your help and advice please.

OP posts:
tonsiltennis · 18/10/2016 23:26

Leave the abusive twat as soon as possible! Tipped your groceries out as punishment? What the actual fuck? Read back your post and then tell yourself what you would advise X

tonsiltennis · 18/10/2016 23:27

And it's not a habit. He's a colossal cruel bellend.

iremembericod · 18/10/2016 23:28

Why does he say he is moving all this stuff?

fc301 · 18/10/2016 23:28

Oh dear that sounds awful! And not at all healthy. I would strongly advise he gets some sort of help. Could be the start of OCD? Certainly seems to be compulsions followed by an inability to make decisions and complete the task.
Has he been under extra strain recently.
I am very sympathetic but I'm sure someone wiser than me will be along shortly...

LizzieMacQueen · 18/10/2016 23:28

It sounds like he needs professional help, can you persuade him to go to the GP.

Original poster
midlifehope · 18/10/2016 23:47

well the problem is he doesn't think he has a problem. He says he is just trying to impose order. But he's never happy with it. He thinks he's good at organising (he isn't). I can't work out if it's OCD or controlling behaviour. Either way it is unlivable. But I will not leave MY home (which is jointly owned with him) so I somewhat stuck.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 18/10/2016 23:50

It does sound like he's anxious; he might be controlling and deliberately disorienting you. Are there specific times he rearranges the kitchen and makes it immediately unusable by you? If he's moving toys around this is about dc too. I wonder if he sees no barriers or boundaries between what's his to move and what isn't? Moving big items around is pretty OCD as well. It sounds like he really has no control over his impulses. Since it's driving you up the wall and out the door, though, do you feel it is more personal than this?

Is he open to any kind of reason at all? If you're the one to use the kitchen stuff most can you put your foot down more assertively, so he can't ignore you? Or are you way past the point of even trying to deal with this chaos being imposed on you and dc? Does he work? Does he rearrange his place of employment like this?

My xp preferred chaos like this, never finished anything and ranted and raved at me when I objected to living like this. He wasn't OCD but a controlling twunt so I can see it might be this. It was like everything had to be about him and I was the objectionable one for trying to control him; there was no compromise to be reached.

Just a few sympathetic thoughts. I simply didn't want to live like that, it was a total clash of lifestyle (along with everything else). Your P does this when you are out so it's almost like anxiety separation but I wouldn't rule out it being about control and punishment either.

Original poster
midlifehope · 18/10/2016 23:56

He doesn't work - he took voluntary redundancy and is a SAHD for my 1 year old. When he had a temporary role and was out more - this stopped. I think it's a mixture of anxiety and control. He won't get help and he wont be reasoned with, so tonight I have given up trying. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 18/10/2016 23:57

Thanks Tipsy, for your thoughts btw...

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 19/10/2016 00:04

I agree it seems like a mixture of anxiety and control. There have been times when he didn't do this shit but he refuses to acknowledge that when he does, it's a destructive imposition of his own inner chaos on everyone else in the family. Totally understandable if you've reached end-point. What, in your heart of hearts, would you like to do about it? What is your status regarding the house (rent/mortgage) etc. Would he leave if you asked him for some space from this behaviour? Is that what you would like? How are the dc affected by his actions? In truth I'm a little worried that you're sinking.

tipsytrifle · 19/10/2016 00:18

Just another thought - if he's a SAHD to a 1yr old, when and how does he find/make time to be shifting the entire house and contents around?

Original poster
midlifehope · 19/10/2016 03:50

I'm presuming he does it whilst the baby is sleeping tipsy, yes I would like him to leave - we jointly own the house, which is tricky. sorry - baby headbutting my laptop in protest. Will come back later....

OP posts:
Jupiter2Mars · 19/10/2016 04:05

Its the opposite of the man in Sleeping wit the Enemy who wanted everything a certain way, isn't it? Your DP keeps messing everything up not demanding that the tins are all placed in the cupboard in a certain orderly way. He wants change, not order. Plus he's annoying because he only half does the job and leaves it for you to clear up.

Sorry, but I think you are doing him a disservice comparing him to that character in the film.

Not that it isn't annoying though. Have you ever asked him why he keeps moving stuff and why he sometimes leaves the job half finished?

hellsbellsmelons · 19/10/2016 08:43

He says he is just trying to impose order
The word 'impose' here worries me.
Why is it up to him to impose everything?
I think you should call Womens Aid (0808 2000 247) and talk this all through with them.
You'll probably find there's more abusive controlling behaviour going on that you aren't 'getting' because you've lived with it for so long!
See what they have to say about it.
Either way though, you don't want to be with him but it's going to be a bit difficult as he is the main carer to your 1 YO.
Maybe try to get a free half hour with a family solicitor and see where you stand.

RiceCrispieTreats · 19/10/2016 09:19

You're in a very tricky situation.

A relationship with a controlling partner is unlivable and you need to end it. But the fact that he is a SAHP means that he is in a good position to get residency of your DC.

You should contact Women's Aid, and get legal advice, on how to force a sale of the house, and what the likely outcome is re: child's residency.

If I were you I would play the long game and get him back to work first.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2016 09:31

midlife

Do you really want help or do you simply come on here to vent and then disappear again. You have written about him at length before now and nothing has really changed. Its just more of the same from him, you cannot be surprised.

I only wonder why you have stayed at all; he is certainly no carer to your child either. This man is only in this for his own self, he cares not a jot for you.

Is he still in possession of his boat?

keepingonrunning · 19/10/2016 12:49

Attila It is OP's choice how she wants to proceed. She is under no obligation to do MN posters' bidding.
If she chooses to seek more opinions while trying to decide the best course of action for herself and her DC, I don't think it is reasonable to make her feel bad for doing so.
If you are bored of the story read a different thread.

Original poster
midlifehope · 19/10/2016 14:12

Thanks for the support Keeponrunning. As ricecrispietreats says I have until now been playing the long game, with the aim of getting him out of the house, in to work or something to take up his time and mental energy and not take his inner chaos out on our surroundings. However you make a good point hellsbells, how come he's the one that gets to impose order...

A small but indicative example - i put all the knives, forks and spoons in one of those cutlery dividers and he repeatedly tips them all out into a big mess in the draw because that's how he likes it. Shock

He is like the sleeping wte guy I would argue in that he is very anal in moving a sofa for instance into a certain place, and he notices if it has been moved even a foot or so and gets funny about it.

DS is 5 soon and really wants a party at home next month - and I'm concerned that 'p' will pull off this stunt and 'fuck' everything up just before the party and tip out boxes, believe me he has done this kind of thing before - he's away earlier in the month and I'm almost tempted to have the party while he's away but he would be seriously pissed off to miss his son's party....

I might indeed call women's aid.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 19/10/2016 14:16

Crikey from your update DEFINITELY call Womens Aid.
And book that party for when he's away.
If he's an abusive dick-head he has to face the fact that you need to things without him trying to sabotage them!
But do make plans to get away, he sounds horrendous!

Original poster
midlifehope · 19/10/2016 14:20

Thing is hellsbells if I do the party when he's away - the music I will have to face when he comes back will not be pretty.............

Things is when people say leave, does that mean leaving your house - I really don't want to leave this house.... It's a house that 'hugs' you and recently bought - we are tennants in common and I pay the mortgage (he put in the 50% cash equity).

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2016 14:25

Nothing will change for you midlife until you yourself make changes for you and your children. He's as happy as a clam here and you are not understandably.

You have not been happy in this relationship for a few years now.
You have indeed played the long game here, perhaps now you will finally move forward and get him out of your home. I sincerely hope you now can bring about positive long term change for yourself and your children. Your own recovery from his abuses of you will only properly start when he is entirely out of your day to day lives.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2016 14:27

You may not have to leave this home but you certainly need up to date legal advice on this matter.

Original poster
midlifehope · 19/10/2016 14:44

Attila, it's so easy for you to say, but the issues are complex. I can't just up and leave as there's too much going on in my head....

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/10/2016 14:53

Ok, what is going on in your head?. Talk about it on here, break it down into smaller pieces.

I grant you it is hard to leave but look at what is going on at home currently. That's not an easy road either. Your children are seeing all of this; what do you think they are learning about relationships here. Which brings me back to you; what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. You don't have to answer that but it will undoubtedly have some bearing.

Are you afraid of him and his reactions in terms of him being "upset"?.

Am not suggesting you up and leave, but you do need current and up to date legal advice on this property and other matters.

Serafina3 · 19/10/2016 15:08

OP - my DF is EXACTLY as you describe. It drive my mum absolutely crazy for years. He would get up in the night and rehang all the pictures in the house. He never finished a "job" and the house was constantly in chaos.
He was diagnosed with manic depression. He always had slightly anxious / manic phases in retrospect, but it was when he retired (age 54) that it really took hold of him because he was suddenly at home with no outlet.
It starts with the moving things around. You may notice periods where he seems to have endless amounts of energy, followed by periods where his mood is flat. Then it escalates into irritability and even physical aggression to property and others. There is nothing you can say to get through to them.
Please get him to the GP if you possibly can.