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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

she burst into tears during sex

28 replies

ljd1989 · 16/10/2016 17:49

Hi all I would really appreciate to hear some opinions on this, I've been seeing a girl for about 5 months now, we've both been keeping it quite casual. She still isn't sure if she ready to bring a new man into her kids lives yet and she has a lot of other stuff going on holding her back from moving forward with the relationship at the moment. I know I have started to fall for her and from how she is with me its quite clear that she's started to develop feelings as well but seems to be fighting them. the other night whilst we were having sex she burst into tears crying and became quite inconsolable she kept coming in for a cuddle and then turning away and saying she didn't want me to see her like that, it must of lasted for about an hour until we fell asleep then the next day she said she needed a few days space to sort her head out and didn't want to talk about or explain what was going on the night before. I'm quite confused as to what this means or what I can do to resolve it and would appreciate any of your opinions on it.

OP posts:
Saltfish · 16/10/2016 17:52

She doesn't really sound all that ready for a relationship. She also sounds like she has the potential to mess you around.

ijustwannadance · 16/10/2016 17:59

If I was in your shoes I would leave and not look back. Not your isues to fix. Especially if other shit going on.
Is she still being messed about by her ex?

ijustwannadance · 16/10/2016 17:59

Issues

WhoKnewSeamus · 16/10/2016 18:01

I think all you can do is give her space.
And also accept that it might not be going anywhere.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 16/10/2016 18:02

Ive done similar, got so overtaken by emotions. I'd not write her off, she could just be fighting the fact she is falling for you

Original poster
ljd1989 · 16/10/2016 18:05

she doesn't speak to her ex she says she hates him and the way he treated her and her boys that's believable. they only split about 7 months ago. I think its because of how he was with her kids that scares her off letting another man in at the moment. she has got a lot of baggage but at the same time she is a top girl and I really want to make this work. the bursting into tears the other night has thrown me though and I don't really know what to do about it

OP posts:
Ferrari2016 · 16/10/2016 18:08

I think other posters are being a bit harsh. You like her. You do not know why she cried. Give her a few days and hopefully she will explain. She might be embarrassed. If the rest of the relationship has been going well but slowly I don't see a problem. If she is prone to not talking to you and you are finding this upsetting, or you do not want to wait for her to sort out other issues then move on but maybe give it a bit longer. 5 months is not long especially if she has children to consider too.

FlabulousChic · 16/10/2016 18:08

It happens when things feel so good and you get scared that you're going to get hurt

Hotwaterbottle1 · 16/10/2016 18:08

Just leave it be & carry on as normal

Ferrari2016 · 16/10/2016 18:09

I was typing while you were. It may be too soon if she only split 7 months ago from the children's dad.

bottleofredplease · 16/10/2016 18:12

I think you sound like a decent person and maybe just give her some space. Tell her you're there if she wants to talk and you're happy to wait. I did this when I was younger and it stemmed from abuse in childhood. My wonderful partner of fifteen years was patient with me. We have a fabulous trusting loving relationship. I think the pps were a bit harsh.

Original poster
ljd1989 · 16/10/2016 18:19

the ex she's just split from wasn't the children's father she split with the father years ago and had been in the last relationship for four years. he used to go out on the piss and disappear for a few days at a time with no calls or anything. so I think she is scared of getting mucked about again. I'm a nine years younger than her as well so I think the age gap concerns her a bit

OP posts:
abeandhalo · 16/10/2016 18:22

I don't want to speculate here, only to add that when I got quite stressed / emotional the first time I was w/ my partner it was b/c it was my first intimate experience since a sexual assault. Just something to bare in mind, you never really know what's going on, better to wait until she's ready to talk about it.

Original poster
ljd1989 · 16/10/2016 18:26

we've been sleeping together every other weekend for the past 5 months and this is the first time she's every acted like this

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 16/10/2016 18:26

how old are you? 9 years isn't that much, unless she is 25! So that is important.

Sex is highly emotional and will make her vulnerable to her feelings and misgivings.
I've cried during sex before for no reason whatsoever. Or because ive got a lot of emotions im holding on to.

The key is that she wasn't able or wanting to cuddle and asking for space. it may be that a relationship is just too much after what sounds like a difficult split.

Give her space but if this becomes a pattern (asking for space) then id cut your losses.

Original poster
ljd1989 · 16/10/2016 18:29

I'm 27 and she's 36 she kept rolling in for a cuddle then starting to cry more and turning over and covering her face then rolling back in to cuddle again then rolling away again over and over until she fell asleep

OP posts:
skyyequake · 16/10/2016 18:30

Agree with abe I would have thought it was related to some form of abuse or traumatic experience.

The only time I've ever cried during sex was because I'd had a traumatic birth and had tremendous panic attacks about anything being around that area. (it took me year before I could use a tampon for example)

I would be patient with her if you truly like her. Reassure her that she can talk to you, but don't force the issue. Make sure you tell her you don't care about "seeing her like this" and that you only care about how she's feeling and helping in any way you can.

It sounds like she's had a rough time bless her...

Threepineapples · 16/10/2016 18:30

I've cried during sex before sometimes if I've been bottling up certain feelings they come spilling out when my body relaxes. So I wouldn't be too concerned about that, but what I would be concerned about is she doesn't want to talk to you about it.

witchofzog · 16/10/2016 18:32

I would second Bottleoffred. Explain you are there if she wants to talk and give her the space she needs. I must say that I did consider the sexual assault angle too though of course this may be way off the mark.

The first few posters saying to walk away and not your issue to fix are being really harsh imo. If you like someone then a relationship is about taking the rough with the smooth. I know ideally after 5 months it should be a honeymoon period but unfortunately when you get older you come with a bit of emotional baggage and if you can get past whatever it is that is making her upset you could be building the trust needed for a really good relationship.

You sound like a lovely person and there should be more guys out there like you 😊

Original poster
ljd1989 · 16/10/2016 18:34

she wont talk to anyone about it. her closest mate and my best mate are a couple they introduced us and she hasn't spoke to her about all the stuff that's going on with her either she seems to be bottling everything up

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 16/10/2016 18:38

it sounds like she has a lot to deal with. Are you emotionally robust enough to support her with no demands? (im not sure i would be)

I think you need to have a really honest talk with her and maybe cool things for a while.

You sound lovely btw and at your ages i don't see the age gap being problematic.

Original poster
ljd1989 · 16/10/2016 18:40

yeah I'm quite strong mentally. I just need to work out the best way to work through this with her, anything worth doings worth fighting for. thanks everyone for the messages I really appreciate it

OP posts:
Justmemyselfandi999 · 16/10/2016 18:44

I've had a similar reaction to emotional sexual encounters, and they relate to previous sexual abuse. Be patient, offer support and don't judge. You sound lovely :)

skyyequake · 16/10/2016 18:52

The fact that she won't talk about it to anyone really suggests some form of sexual abuse to me. It can be a very sensitive issue, especially if she feels she won't be believed/will be blamed/is ashamed in some way.

Of course it might be something else entirely, I'm just basing that on the crying during sex, combined with the refusing to talk about it, not just with you but with close friends she trusts and has known longer.

Bit whatever it is, if she hasn't spoken about it to anyone then I really wouldn't take it personally. It's not like she's just mucking you around or not trusting you.

Its clearly an issue that she hasn't felt able to open up about yet, and what with her history of partners being untrustworthy, it might take her a while to feel comfortable enough with you. Again, I highly doubt that's personal at all.

You've said you're willing to work on it so that's great. I hope you two get closer and she finds a safe space with you Flowers

Somerville · 16/10/2016 18:54

I cried a lot on my (now) fiancé in the early days. Different reasons from your girlfriend but I know how confusing it can feel when someone you really like comes along when you aren't looking and don't feel 'ready'.

I'd advise: Be patient. Be there when she needs you but not pushy in between. Be brave enough to be honest about your feelings when the time feels right, but don't take it personally if she needs time to process it before expressing reciprocation. Don't initiate anything physical for now and if she's affectionate then keep your responses as affectionate, not sexual. And ultimately, believe what she tells you. If she ends it, express, kindly, that you're sad but then leave her alone.
Hope it works out for both of you.