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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone had any luck with simply ignoring dh/DP's petulant moods?

27 replies

DangerQuakeRhinoSnake · 15/10/2016 08:56

It's my new tactic. I get on with things (I have to, I have two very young children) rather than let it drag me down. That way it doesn't affect the children as much and shows him that he can't get to me.

Of course it annoys me, I'd rather he was reliably cheery. But I can't let his moods dictate mine.

Had anyone tried this and did your dp/dh react differently at all? I suppose I'm hoping that my increasing distance might wake him up!

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 15/10/2016 09:04

It sounds like a plan to me, good luck with it!

Although how you can be attracted to the sulky fucker I don't know. Maybe give him a grace period to change and if not tell him to do one?

Original poster
DangerQuakeRhinoSnake · 15/10/2016 09:10

I'm not attracted to him and he knows it!! I still think he's a good-looking man but I'm totally not interested atm.

OP posts:
PoldarksBreeches · 15/10/2016 09:10

Thing is though, the mood is there for a reason. Your dp gets something out of your response to the mood so you ignoring it won't make it go away, it will probably make him ramp it up or change his tactic.
Ignoring a tantrum or a mood can work in children, and it can lead to behaviour change. Not so much in adults.

HandyWoman · 15/10/2016 09:19

Yeah the moodiness is such an attraction killer... Men who behave like this are deep down fundamentally entitled.

I second having a deadline for this plan and if he doesn't grow shape up then tell him to ship out...

operaha · 15/10/2016 09:23

Why is he moody?
We're not a house of sulkers, we'd all rather get it out in the open so I don't have much practical advice but ignoring is certainly what I'd do with the teenagers... I couldn't cope if dh did this though, I'd be so livid everyone would know!!

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2016 09:43

I hate stonewalling.
My EXH tried it once.
I packed my stuff the next day and left.
He couldn't understand why.
When I explained that as grown ups we discuss things and compromise it was like a revelation.
He learnt it from his mum.
He never did it again as he knew I'd be gone.
We had no kids then so it was easier
I don't think you should ignore it.
Tackle it head on.
It can't be a nice atmosphere for your DC to be in???

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2016 09:44

Unfortunately this also does affect the children that much. Your man gets a rise out of seeing you like this and he will not change.

They are after all learning from the two of you about relationships, what are the two of you teaching them here?. You both want to be showing them that a loveless relationship is their norm too?.

NickiFury · 15/10/2016 09:48

Yes, my ex was like this, to begin with. I tried your way and as a previous poster said he soon ramped it up, by the end of 8 years together he was being overtly aggressive and abusive towards me on a daily basis in his bid to get his "needs" met. Finally he attacked me in front of my children and that was that.

pollyblack · 15/10/2016 09:50

My DH is known to huff, I just blank it as well, he can waste his own life being in a huff but I'm not getting involved. I just talk to him as normal and get on with my own life. I do love my husband but he does have issues. Although I know the kids are aware of this, I speak openly to them about it, and I think it's good for them to know that this is how, rightly or wrongly, some people deal with hard things in life.

Iamthinking · 15/10/2016 10:06

Yes I have a moody huffer too. It is tiresome and deeply, deeply unappealing while it lasts. He doesn't do the silent treatment though and they are not prolonged, but the mood sits in the air and permeates. It is usually after a bad day at work - so when kids in bed - which makes it tricky to get away from him as we eat/relax in one room and both share a bed in the other. I can tell the way he is feeling just by a sigh here and there, and I know to just make conversation about current affairs or something neutral that distracts him. He apologises later, oftentimes. But I tend to think 'oh fuck you, I only have a finite number of evenings left in my life and you have ruined yet another of them. Why can't you just learn to not do it'. I accept the apology though and we move on.
I don't think it escalates necessarily though, as he has been like this for 16 years and I have tried different ways of reacting and this seems to be the best. He hasn't really changed - in fact I can see he is trying really hard to manage it.
He is actually a really good communicator and listener, with higher than average emotional IQ the rest of the time though.

LellyMcKelly · 15/10/2016 10:22

I once had a BF who huffed for a month because I said what we should think about going out and doing more stuff together rather than just sitting in the house. I wasn't there when he finally wanted to talk. What a monumental big baby.

TheNaze73 · 15/10/2016 13:07

Have you got to the root cause of what's causing this within him. If this was flipped, he'd be accused of not being interested if he deployed that tactic.
Sounds like there is way more to this. Good luck op

EnoughAlready43 · 15/10/2016 19:10

Is he thinking he's not getting enough attention in the sex dept? could that be his underlying issue?

RandomMess · 15/10/2016 19:18

DH used to be a sulker, (he is an emotionally sensitive bloke with distant parents) I told him I wouldn't pander to it any more. I stopped pandering and he stopped sulking.

It was an ingrained pattern and he did have to learn to talk instead and I had to learn the difference between him having down time (introvert) and sulking.

IMHO it's about people trying to be the best partner they can be and each accepting that they'll never actually achieve perfection and will sometimes go back to old patterns of behaviour.

booox · 15/10/2016 19:27

My DH has been moody and huffy when he's been feeling very hurt and confused by things in the relationship - triggered by the stress of small children and increasing lack of intimacy.

A lot of it was childish but at its root was an inability to talk about his feelings and accept mine be about certain things.

We've started counselling and it's helped tremendously- not least that the counsellor has tackled a few of his rigid thinking / views that he was hanging on to (due to a very traditional religious upbringing) that ultimately were making him unhappy.

I have been huffy when I literally do not know how to open a conversation about something that has upset me, but I now understand that as never being taught how to be assertive. And also when I'm trying very hard not to say anything until I've gained some perspectives! (Aka being unreasonable mood usually pms related)

Sometimes moodiness can be when the person is really cross with them selves too.

So I think it's a fine line between a controlling partner and one who is struggling to express them selves effectively - I think sex is area this can happen around as men know they really can't pressure but aren't sure how to talk about it.

coldcanary · 15/10/2016 20:18

Ignoring never worked for me, it just made the atmosphere worse. He learnt it from his mum who as lovely as she usually is can be an award winning sulker!
I tolerated it for a while then lost my shit at him and told him to either talk to me or go somewhere else until he pulled himself together. In the long run it's worked but took some time getting there - he still occasionally finds it hard to get it out whatever the cause, if it's a bad day at work he'll go for a short drive on his way home to be alone then talk about it later on when we're both relaxed. If it's something about us then he learnt to bite the bullet and say it.
It's like pulling off a plaster -it might be painful and hard to do short term but it gets better quicker whereas the sulking is like water torture and didn't make either of us happy.
However I wouldn't necessarily advise the words 'either speak to me or fuck off' that I actually said unless like DH he's got a hide like a rhino..

Hillfarmer · 15/10/2016 20:29

I tried ignoring/growing a thicker skin etc, but in truth those 'moods' and sulking and general misery was all aimed at me, specifically, controlling me. Having realised I was never going to cheer him up whatever I tried, I decided to grow a thicker skin/wear a tin hat/ignore. He just ramped it up until he made our relationship a hellish, scary place.

But hey, give it a try. He may just be being a twat, as opposed to an abusive twat.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/10/2016 22:08

Maybe your increasing distance will wake him up. Maybe it will wake you up.

Living your life managing someone elses moods is no way to live.

Original poster
DangerQuakeRhinoSnake · 15/10/2016 22:28

Thanks for all your replies! Too tired to process them properly tonight but will have a proper look tomorrow.

OP posts:
MooPointCowsOpinion · 15/10/2016 22:35

I have one of these too. I blank him. He sulks, tuts rolls his eyes... I'm suddenly very busy elsewhere. If I call him on it he's a huge arsehole and denies any of it and tried to tell me it's in my head. If I let him stew he apologises sometimes, or just snaps out of it. I've even just told him to fuck off to bed many a time.

Of course it's very unattractive, so he doesn't get any, and that causes more sulks. Vicious circle!

Booboopidoo · 16/10/2016 11:02

Another yes here, I did a combination of telling him straight that I wasn't putting up with sulking anymore, that if he had a problem he should talk to me and then completely ignoring each sulk. It took a little while but did work and he's learned new ways of dealing with things as a result. I agree with Hillfarmer, it works if you've got a common or garden twat, not so much if they're the abusive type of twat.

Original poster
DangerQuakeRhinoSnake · 17/10/2016 08:40

Thanks again for all the messages. Seems it's unfortunately a common problem. I'm sorry for your experience Nicki. It seems there have been mixed results and I suppose yes it does depend on the man involved, and why he huffs.

Mine will sulk for any reason or no reason at all. It's infuriating! But he has a head injury in his past and I suppose that might be partly to blame. It always blows over, sometimes on its own, sometimes with a change of scenery, company, or a night's sleep. Usually he has a long think and decides he's been an arse and apologises. What I used to do is try desperately to find a reason for each mood and therefore 'solve' it. This only ever made him worse, but I felt it was important to talk it through and might help prevent future moods if he was more aware of why they happened (often he will say he's fine when he's blatantly not!) So now I've decided it's not worth upsetting myself any more, especially as that tactic is obviously not working!

EnoughAlready I've checked with him regularly and he says sex is not the issue. With a preschooler and a baby to care for I think it would be off the menu anyway right now (we're both knackered).

He has been to the doctor btw, to seek help which is why I'm happy to persevere.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't turn abusive however I'll keep a close eye on that. I'm not averse to calling him out publicly on bad behaviour and I'll happily tell family and friends how things are (including his!)

Honestly it's like having three kids sometimes. Exhausting.

Grin at common or garden twat!!

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 17/10/2016 08:44

He is actually a really good communicator and listener, with higher than average emotional IQ the rest of the time though

Doesn't sound like it to me.

My DH does this. I would expend a lot of energy trying to work out what was wrong, I'd tell him I could tell something was up and it made the mood uncomfortable for all concerned. He would deny anything was wrong then it would later come out.

Now I just ignore it. Which is a bad sign as it means I couldn't give a fuck.

Original poster
DangerQuakeRhinoSnake · 17/10/2016 15:11

Sounds much like my situation Believe. I used to hate dp going away for work. Now I positively welcome it! And that's what shocked him last time he went away. Bet it makes no difference though. Nothing else has.

OP posts:
MooPointCowsOpinion · 17/10/2016 17:54

Which is a bad sign as it means I couldn't give a fuck.
Yes I know what you mean, it's worrying, not being interested in your partner's mood. It's a scary place to be really isn't it.