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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What have I done? A terrible mess

38 replies

justarandomer · 09/10/2016 01:00

This is very very very complicated.

I've been dating a guy since July.
He's gone to uni 7 hours away by train.
On our last date before he left, he went to hold my hand straight away, and I just couldn't do it until I'd had wine.

Weve been texting and face timing for the past month or so.

We've arranged for me to go down to go and stay with him in his single bed for 5 days. Ive bought the £100 tickets.

I'm having crazy second thoughts tonight.
I dont know if im attracted to him anymore.
We'd obviously have sex. That makes me feel gross.
Oh god help help.
Do I jib now and make a complete fool of myself

OP posts:
PushingThru · 09/10/2016 01:04

Just don't go. How old are you?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/10/2016 01:12

It's not complicated Confused Don't go.
You've been dating for 3 months. You don't want to touch him. Don't go.
Have a think why he isn't for you. Understand that and learn

Joysmum · 09/10/2016 01:19

There is nothing foolish in realizing this isn't the relationship for you. It takes a few goes before you find Mr Right. You don't owe him, or yourself anything. You can just change your mind, that's allowed. Bought tickets don't obligate you to anything.

Don't go x

MsMims · 09/10/2016 01:22

Don't go. You're already upset and worried about it. Don't put yourself through it.

QueenLizIII · 09/10/2016 01:29

It is very very very simple.

Don't go.

No one has such trepidation for someone they care for. you dont like him. Dont go and dont see him again.

VimFuego101 · 09/10/2016 01:30

You shouldn't have to get drunk to be intimate with someone. It doesn't sound like you're attracted to him.

dailymaillazyjournos · 09/10/2016 01:51

I agree. Forget the £100, forget whether you feel a fool (you absolutely aren't btw) and just don't go. If this was the right decision for you, you'd be counting down the days till you went to stay and not feeling so upset.

You are taking notice of how you feel, you are questioning your decision. The fact that you are paying close attention to this means you are the exact opposite of a fool.

SansasEscape · 09/10/2016 03:12

How old are you? Not that it actually matters. Don't go, you don't want him. Just call it all off, no real harm done. It's only money.

Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2016 04:02

Do not go. You owe him nothing. Certainly you do not owe him sex because he brought some train tickets! You can tell him politely over the phone or by text, email or whatever that you are not coming and it is over. He can do as he likes with the tickets.

Please do not go, it is clear you do not want to. You are not a fool. The foolish thing to do would be to go and have sex with a man you do not want to have sex with because he bought you a train ticket, you are not foolish, do not go.

Thanks
PoldarksBreeches · 09/10/2016 04:10

She has bought the tickets

Op - you're considering forcing yourself to have sex you don't want because you have spent £100. Can you see how messed up that is?
Just don't go. You don't owe anyone a relationship, ever.

Italiangreyhound · 09/10/2016 04:30

Ah, I see, you bought the tickets. No worries either way, don;t need to force yourself to have sex with anyone ever.

If you bought the tickets by credit card see if you can cash them in, change etc, or even if you paid cash.

But either way, do not go.

ChasedByBees · 09/10/2016 04:36

Not at all complicated. End things and get a refund / partial refund on the train tickets.

Bumbleclat · 09/10/2016 04:41

DONT DO IT.
I stayed with someone for nearly three years while I felt deep sm deep down, wasn't right.
When I met someone (a friend) at a party who I was actually attracted to on every level, I had so much inner turmoil and conflict it was hell.
I had to look my DP in the eye and end the rl so I could move on and be with someone who really did it for me.
I felt so guilty and wished I'd just been honest with myself and him from the start.
Please cut free now and wait to meet someone that makes you feel wonderful.

temporarilyjerry · 09/10/2016 05:17

The £100 is gone whether you go or not, so do what your gut is telling you.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 09/10/2016 06:10

It's not a terrible mess and you won't look foolish. Just don't go.

Although, do take notice though. All the signs were there when you couldn't hold his hand until you'd had a drink. That's never going to be a good sign. There is no need to have a relationship with this, or any, man.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that because you get on over skype or whatsapp or whatever that you can make it work in reality. You can't. If it's just not there, then it's just not there.

FourToTheFloor · 09/10/2016 06:25

I met a guy once on a night out that l went to school with but didn't really know. We talked for about 2 months on the phone and got on great. Finally went on a date and realised l didn't want to kiss him sober so feigned not feeling well and cut the date short.

I couldn't believe it as we really clicked when chatting, he was good looking and yes we'd already had a drunken snog.

AyeAmarok · 09/10/2016 06:30

You're overthinking this.

If you don't like someone in that way, it's just one of those things, it's not a big deal. You're just not that into him, so it's best to say so now and not go, and you can both move to the next.

Footle · 09/10/2016 06:38

It's not all that complicated, dear OP, and it isn't even a terrible mess. It would be if you went. Don't go, now or ever.

Horsemad · 09/10/2016 07:13

OP - stop being Over Dramatic.Confused Just. Don't. Go!

SandyY2K · 09/10/2016 07:40

If you need wine to hold his hand, then there's a problems. Forget the ticket money and end the relationship.

Myusernameismyusername · 09/10/2016 07:44

You have what is called The Cringe.
It happens sometimes and no one really knows why but it will NEVER go away. Once you physically cringe there is no cure.

Sadly just need to move on but it's not really because he's at uni he will be fine as will you.

ellesbellesxxx · 09/10/2016 07:49

You might be able to get money back for tickets less an admin fee.. Worth asking!

CurtainsforRonnie · 09/10/2016 07:49

Cancel with him
Go with a friend.
Job done

FatButFun · 09/10/2016 07:51

Behavioural economics at play - The Sunk Cost Fallacy.

As a bloke & Dad my conclusion is the same as everyone else above. Don't go.

daisychain01 · 09/10/2016 07:53

Don't even think about having to shoe horn yourself into a single bed with someone you don't fancy. I wouldn't give up 5 nights' sleep even if I did fancy them I 💖 my bed

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