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Original poster

Kinky sex

52 replies

user1475512791 · 04/10/2016 12:22

Probably should post this in the sex forum but I'm not allowed as I am a new member.
I have been with my partner for about 18 months. When we first met he was instantly aroused but over a few months we found he needed Viagra on most occasions (not all).
He watches a lot of porn & now seems to need more and more kinky sex just to get a semi ! It leaves me feeling very inadequate & unattractive.

OP posts:
User14625592 · 04/10/2016 12:47

How old is he?

Porn gives men an unrealistic and warped view of what sex should be like. When it doesn't happen like that at home this can happen.

After 18 months and I assume no children together, you have a choice and I know what my choice would be!

Original poster
user1475512791 · 04/10/2016 13:09

he is 48

OP posts:
PollyCazaletWannabe · 04/10/2016 13:22

If you don't mind my asking, what do you mean by kinky sex? One person's kinky is another's vanilla Wink

Every1lovesPatsy · 04/10/2016 13:25

Does the sex that he expects pleasure you? If not, don't feel pressurised just to meet his escalating needs.

SarcasmMode · 04/10/2016 13:28

Id cut my losses.

If it's like this now what will it be like in 5 years time?

Either that or you'll have to do increasingly dangerous stuff to date him.
Mmaybe he's just a sadist?

Original poster
user1475512791 · 04/10/2016 13:30

Ropes, spankings, vegetables, others being involved, extremely rough

It does pleasure me but just feel it is escalating until nothing will satisfy him anymore unless we play like above.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 04/10/2016 13:32

If it's not doing it for you, bin him off. I don't think what you've described is too extreme however, if it's escalating then put the breaks on

Every1lovesPatsy · 04/10/2016 13:33

It's not all about satisfying him......he sounds selfish and I think the fact you are feeling inadequate is enough to seriously question how good this relationship is for you.

PollyCazaletWannabe · 04/10/2016 13:37

Hmm. In that case, if you are feeling uncomfortable, I would call it a day. Unless you can and do have loving sex too, you might end up feeling a bit jaded with it all.

Original poster
user1475512791 · 04/10/2016 13:40

Jaded is a great way as to how I am feeling.
I do love it but the expectations are increasing every time.
Would be nice to know I turn him on, just me, not all the accessories

OP posts:
SarcasmMode · 04/10/2016 13:48

It's watching extreme porn that makes thus a want for him.

MattBerrysHair · 04/10/2016 13:49

It's very worrying that only certain things cause arousal for him. My dp and I are into to some very kinky things but most of our sex is vanilla. Intimacy and connection is the focus of our sex life and the kinky stuff is a bonus. Personally I couldn't deal with feeling sexually inadequate because of a partner's very specific and limited tastes, and I would have to end it. The pressure to 'perform' each time would be awful.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/10/2016 13:55

That's the porn. He's becoming desentised to 'normal' sex and needs you to perform more and more extreme sex so he can get it up. Which is fine if it works for you, but it's totally OK to call time on it if it's not.

Smellslikeoranges · 04/10/2016 14:04

Vegetables??
Sex is an important component of a relationship. If you don't real comfortable, happy or respected, there is really only one solution. Have you spoken to him about toning it down?

Unlockable · 04/10/2016 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarcasmMode · 04/10/2016 14:11

I'm guessing shoving s cucumber up yourself or DH inserting Brussels up his arse.

gratesnakes · 04/10/2016 14:11

He makes you feel inadequate and unattractive so it's time to move on I would say.

Unless you really love him and he is willing to change. Then you could both see a sex therapist and work things out that way.

HateSummer · 04/10/2016 14:15

I hope you don't cook with those vegetables after 😷

Buttwing · 04/10/2016 14:15

Just snorted my tea at brussels up his arse!! Please tell me that's not a thing.

MammouthTask · 04/10/2016 14:20

YY about the porn being at the root of the issue.
Also I would have an issue with the fact he WAS turned on by you initially wo all the kinky stuff but it doesn't seem to be enough anymore (maybe it was the novelty that was enough at the start?)

But I would say you have a problem and should really have a thorough look at your relationship if

  • you feel you don't matter as a person and aren't enough
  • you are unconfortable about some of his practices. Nothing wrong with kinky as long as you enjoy it
  • you are getting worried about where it will lead and where it will stop. In particular, do you know what are your boundaries and what are his? Are you sure he will respect your boundaries? Are you sure that I those situations, if you say NO (or whatever other word you are using) he will listen and stop. In effect, you don't seem to feel secure and your own security should be your primary aim.
MammouthTask · 04/10/2016 14:22

I have to say I'm wondering if you feeling 'faded' isn't actually you feeling pushed pass your boundaries but somehow you either don't feel you can say NO or aren't fully aware of your own boundaries.

IMO this feeling is one you should take very seriously.

Original poster
user1475512791 · 04/10/2016 14:26

Lol - I'm sure brussels are a thing for some people.

Can he change ? Not sure - he left his first wife because she was too vanilla.

We don't live together & everytime i go to see him I seem to be lugging a case full of toys.

A chat is on the cards I think. He is ALWAYS complimenting me etc but it was our last meeting that got me really thinking (a scenario he had fantasised about ) & zilch reaction

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2016 14:34

Can he change ? Not sure - he left his first wife because she was too vanilla. That, along with the extremely rough and escalating, would have me running for the hills.

Emmageddon · 04/10/2016 14:46

Next time you go and see him, leave the vegetable rack and the sex toys at home and see what happens.
I'd be inclined to cut my losses and find someone who fancied me for myself. You said he involves others as well? That would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

SarcasmMode · 04/10/2016 14:46

If he left his wife for being too vanilla I'd leave the relationship and point him to Fetlife.

What was this fantasy yours or his?