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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is your opinion on putting up and shutting up for sake of finances?

50 replies

Lazymazy · 27/09/2016 16:40

Have an EA husband. My eyes have just been opened. Sulks, tantrums, angry outbursts. ...
Been together 19 years. 2 dc. Financially very comfortable. Here lies my dilemma, do you stay and be miserable but no money concerns, or do you leave your nice comfortable life with no money - I don't work , I have a child with additional needs. I think I would be anxious every time the dcs are with him - will he do something out of spite? I don't know what he's capable of when he gets in his irrational rages. ( never laid a finger on me or dcs ) .
Think I could ask him to play golf All weekend every other to give me some space and he's a workaholic so doesn't come in til late. ..
Am I out of my mind for considering putting up and shutting up?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazymazy · 27/09/2016 16:44

When he's lovely, we get on well , and I love him, complete opposite when he's being a dick 🙁

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 27/09/2016 16:52

What makes you think you won't be comfortably off when you divorce this abusive man?

Your children are already living 24/7 with an abusive man. Take the pressure off them so that they can live in a happy family home with you most of the time.

I would go to see a good family lawyer to see what kind of settlement you could end up with. You are married - therefore it's all half yours.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 27/09/2016 16:53

Totally agree with hill

Life is short op

OhNoNotMyBaby · 27/09/2016 16:55

No. If you have an ounce of self-respect the answer is no. And also, it's really not good for children to live in an environment where there is no love or joking / laughing / mutual respect / consideration etc etc.

Leave and discover yourself.

celeryisnotasuperfood · 27/09/2016 16:57

The big thing for me is the subtle life lessons you are teaching your children. I bet you think that its hidden from them but trust me - they know. What you don't know is how much they may end up mirroring your life - as its the 'norm' to have that kind of life.
So in answer - yes I would be making plans to leave even though its the tougher road. But then I'm not as bothered by the fancy house, car, lifestyle as most people are...

hermione2016 · 27/09/2016 17:04

I also think you need to look ahead. What happens when the children leave? It could just be the 2 of you and I know my dd going to Uni changed the dynamics for the worse.She had been a balance that I had appreciated.

Also do you really trust this man to be until your old age? I thought about how vulnerable I feel in my 40's, but my 60'd will be even worse.

Do you know the finances? There are ways than cope and actually most people rebuild pretty successfully.

Original poster
Lazymazy · 27/09/2016 17:30

Thank you. I know I sounded shallow, its not a fancy car and big house we have just no financial worries . I'm def not a materialistic person, just like to know I am secure with a roof over my head, not worrying about if I have enough money for food etc.
I was so angry when my eyes were opened. Hated him, the last 19 years have been a lie. Determined to leave somehow. Then spoke to my mum who said- can't believe I would leave him, he sounds just like your dad ... you will have no money etc etc the family would be devastated as they love him !! ( obv told her I couldn't care less )
But the convo got me thinking.

Can't get hold of WA for advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazymazy · 27/09/2016 17:34

herm I control/ monitor the finances so he doesn't have control that way.
Thank you again x

OP posts:
adora1 · 27/09/2016 17:45

Yeah think of every excuse to stay but remember your children are living this nightmare and they have no bloody choice so tell your mum that!

I'd never stay, even without kids, I couldn't care less about money and he will have to pay maintenance and you would be entitled to benefits, thousands of women do it every month so get on with it before he does any more damage.

MatildaOfTuscany · 27/09/2016 17:57

Sounds like your mum taught you the "put up and shut up" lesson all too well - ask yourself, do you want one of your kids coming to you 25 years down the line and saying this to you, and listening to yourself say "oh, he sounds just like your dad."

Original poster
Lazymazy · 27/09/2016 18:18

Just documenting the stuff he does so I can read this back when I have a wobble. As he can't read this.
Sulks if I say no to sex.
Gropes me in the night when he's asleep?
Gets annoyed if I read a book as not giving him attention.
Annoyed if I don't make a fuss when he gets in from work.
Sulks strops if I'm watching TV especially if about dating etc if he's upstairs in bed.
He's always right and I am inferior in that respect.

If something doesn't go to plan, say going on holiday, he has anger outbursts.
Swearing shouting in front of the dcs
I'm on eggshells subconsciously trying to keep the peace.
The counsellor said - he will never change.
Swearing shouting if something goes wrong, car etc .
I feel like I have to entertain him in the evenings when he gets in , wouldn't particularly like it if I went to bed early, sees it as ignoring him.
Can't have diary/ journal as he would nose through it.
Asks me if I'm having an affair
Asks who's texting me " this time of night"
Anger, the uncontrollerble anger some of the time
He tells me he needs sex to keep him happy
No respect for me asking him to stop swear g in front of the children. " everyone swears" he says
Work and golf priority. Gets to do what he likes
Feel demands are placed on me all the time for his needs.
I put pressure on myself to keep busy all day as I feel lazy if not . He sees me sitting g down - child up all night prev 2 nights he still makes a comment
Even though I do go out , he's not happy about it , he waits up. He's used to text all night who was there , where was I? Etc.
Wouldn't like me doing anything counselling related as thinks I'm psycho analysing him all the time.
Blames me for it all. Last night he dropped the gravy, my fault for not putting the lid on.
Omg it goes on and on. Little subtle things I'm sure there's more

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazymazy · 27/09/2016 18:23

I think my mum controlled me too, I think it was her subtle way of saying she wouldn't be as proud of me... being single she said nobody takes an interest , you've no status society ( aparently she is talking from her own experience when she finally got rid of dad)
matilda no I don't - I said to H I would never forgive him if son turned out like him.

OP posts:
Kittencatkins123 · 27/09/2016 18:31

Oh Lazy, he sounds awful! This is no life, forget how comfortable you are.
Your mum doesn't sound like a good source of advice at all.
I think you'd be far happier on your own even if you are a bit less well off initially, then as PPs have said you will rebuild, it leaves you open to meet someone lovely, and either way you will be comfortable again but more importantly you and your DC will be happy!
Flowers

WingsofNylon · 27/09/2016 18:32

Your mum sadly put up with it and now she needs you to do that it validates her awful descision. If you left, doing the decent thing for yourself and children she would have to admit to herself that she messed up.
Please don't put up with this.

SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies · 27/09/2016 18:40

Good grief op - according to him you don't exist do you as it's all about him!
He. is. Vile.

Leave and discover the life you and your DC's are meant to live. Flowers

MatildaOfTuscany · 27/09/2016 18:46

Oh, hugs OP - he sounds absolutely vile. And PP are right - your mother is trying to get you to re-enact her life to validate her own bad decisions. I think material comfort or not, you would be happier without him.

Original poster
Lazymazy · 27/09/2016 19:06

I think my mum doesn't want to lose him as another son if you like so selfishly she tries to manipulate me into stating with him. How has it taken 19 years fir me to realise. I look around I see my dad was the same, my brothers the same, sister in law going through the same but controlled financially
I don't want another man.
I don't trust them to do the right thing.

OP posts:
ilovewelshrarebit123 · 27/09/2016 19:07

My lovely best friend put up with this for 15 years. She found the strength to leave him.

She didn't work, they were very financially secure to. He works abroad now earning £100k + and only pays her £200 a month for two kids.

She has to be careful with money, but she's not treading on egg shells, her kids are happy and are no longer scared of their dad.

She has everything she needs, car, house, and happiness.

Life is too short to be so unhappy.

Original poster
Lazymazy · 27/09/2016 19:08

I really appreciate all of your posts. Reading each one and writing it down here has really helped.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 27/09/2016 19:12

Sounds horrendous.
Apart from all the other things, and it's a long list, you have to have sex with him when you both know it's against your will Angry

If you want to stay for security (and what price to your soul? Sad) I suggest two things:

  • spend the time wisely; improve your employability, save save save (over pay mortgage, increase pension etc) so you have an easier exit when you've had enough (remember he might chuck you)
  • zero tolerance on his shit! Let him sulk. Do not have sex with a man who treats you like this. There are several possible outcomes from that:
  1. He changes (ha!)
  2. He remains an arsehole but doesn't throw it your way
  3. He throws it your way still but you don't have to die inside accepting it
  4. He wants to split - not a bad thing, really

Good luck.
I would say life is too short for this treatment but frankly a DAY is too much of it, let alone a life!

Original poster
Lazymazy · 27/09/2016 19:29

That's it cabrin the financial security, I am really struggling to lose . I need to work out why . Thank you for your wise words

OP posts:
WingsofNylon · 27/09/2016 21:15

Do you think maybe you are struggling with losing the financial security because it is sacry and the unknown? You know what living eithbhim is like and so you know what living with him is like. That's the known. Although you know it's awful I understand how it seems less scary than the unknown.
I'm not sure if that makes sense. It did in my head.

WingsofNylon · 27/09/2016 21:22
  • living with him
dlnex · 27/09/2016 21:52

Hi,
It doesnt matter that its been 19 years. You have come to it this point in your own time. He does sound like an arse, I would be pleased he plays golf to keep him out of the house. It's perfectly ok to stay if you want to for financial reasons, if you can recognise his behaviour and find a way of dealing with it. Start with one small barrier that prevents one of the negative aspects of his behaviour, which to some extent will mean standing up to him. I have just read it again, he is horrible! He is going to have to support you ££ wise, and sadly he needs you around to bully.

nicenewdusters · 27/09/2016 23:28

Reading your list OP I wouldn't stay with him if he was a billionaire!

What a selfish, entitled, vile bully.

You can only sit on one chair, sleep in one bed, drive one car. Even if your future without him means all of those things are not quite what you're accustomed to, think about how wonderful they'll be as he won't be there.

Oh, and definitely stop having sex with him. It's your body so he can fuck off with the groping and sulking.