What is your opinion on putting up and shutting up for sake of finances?

[Lazymazy]

Have an EA husband. My eyes have just been opened. Sulks, tantrums, angry outbursts. ...
Been together 19 years. 2 dc. Financially very comfortable. Here lies my dilemma, do you stay and be miserable but no money concerns, or do you leave your nice comfortable life with no money - I don't work , I have a child with additional needs. I think I would be anxious every time the dcs are with him - will he do something out of spite? I don't know what he's capable of when he gets in his irrational rages. ( never laid a finger on me or dcs ) .
Think I could ask him to play golf All weekend every other to give me some space and he's a workaholic so doesn't come in til late. ..
Am I out of my mind for considering putting up and shutting up?

He was playing on my phone apparently looking fr a picture of his on it. Wonder if he has tapped phone ( think I'm being paranoid) can't see any unusual apps.
What a Shame it has come to this, thought he was the love of my life🙁
Thank you all, I will keep reading this if I have a wobble
Adding to my list..
Couldn't stay calm when ds having asthma attack, still shouting and blames me not doing inhaler correctly

Booking up holidays for himself and assuring he has told and asked me when he booked it.
No birthday cards or any kindness on my birthday - he doesn't celebrate his own so...
Can't stand his sisters and mum, would disown his family if he could.

Wow - I think a call to Womens Aid might help you as well.
Talk it through with people who know and understand.
They can also help you with local support services.
Worth a try?

OP could you get some counselling while youre preparing to leave? that could help you sort out your feelings and responses and practicalities too.

sorry youre in such a shitty position

Hey Lazy, hope you are ok. Agree with Afterthestorm's post.

I think counselling is a must - just sat there thinking I wouldn't trust a man again who told me they loved me - how do you ever know the truth?

Thank you for the encouragement. I look at him and still cant quite believe what he is capable of. You would never ever think it to look at him.

Looking forward to getting to the other end though.

after how long did it take you not to miss the lovely side of your ex?

Speaking as someone who left a 28 year relationship at 45, it is scary, and stressful and being the only person who is providing for you and the children is really hard at times. BUT staying was also stressful, and depressing and my situation was nowhere near the level yours is. The stress of financial insecurity actually isn't as bad as that feeling of dread when he walked in and I waited to hear whatever it was I hadn't done right this time.

Also, although you say now you're not interested in another man ever, if you are in control of your own life that's a choice you can make. Currently there is now choice. 6 years post divorce, I now have a lovely dp who makes me feel wanted and valued. I would have been perfectly happy without, he's just the icing one the cake!

Good luck with whatever you choose to do xx

Have not read the full thread, tired.

This is your life you are talking about. Not an ISA.

Go out and live. You do not have a second to waste.

Not me, but one of my best friends left an abusive relationship after 11 years. Although they had four children between them (two each) and she gave up work to look after his very disturbed little girls, she came away with mental health issues and not a penny to her name because they weren't married, but she got away.

it will be so much easier for you, OP. You can do it and you will be so happy when you have.

Sometimes the lovely side seems lovelier simply because it is a contrast to the bad stuff. It's such a relief when they start to behave like a normal human being, you kind of forget that a real normal human being would be like that even on their off days. I mean, everyone has moods at times, but some people are a bit grumpy occasionally (and at least try not to take it out on their nearest and dearest) whilst it's a rare treat when some others give grumpiness a rest. You seize on that and go "He's so lovely! It's marvellous!" Well it shouldn't be marvellous; it should be the norm.

No. If you have an ounce of self-respect the answer is no

I think it's important not to link such a decision to having self-respect. It isn't always as clear cut and one can still have self-respect and just not be in a strong enough position to take the steps to move out, either financially, emotionally or practically (eg disrupting DC schooling if you have to move areas etc).

Even if you can't leave the family home immediately, you may be able to think about reconfiguring your life over the longer term. Divorce can take a long time, negotiations over finances can take months or even years. Important to think it through OP and figure out the implications.

Definitely seek legal advice as part of that process

Mary I could really relate to your list, my H has similar selfish issues and it took me a long time to realise the situation and that my sense of anger and unfairness was justified and not just down to me being lazy/ insane / too sensitive (your NN strikes a chord with me because H has called me lazy in the past if for example I don't pre warm his dinner plate.. He knows it really hurts me to be called lazy). I think cabrinha has excellent advice. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible about abusive men and play a little bingo game with yourself, notice what he's doing and protect yourself. Lundy Bancroft has a great book, Why Does He Do That, and there's another book to that with advice about coping on a day to day basis when you can't leave for whatever reason -- they are really useful.

I've been scared to leave the security. I could have left recently (kids have left home) but was worried about financial security. Now I'm working (wasn't before) and trying a 'third way' as I call it, all the advice I got before was either stay (failure) or leave (hooray but unknown). So I've had counselling which was somewhat helpful (but didn't give me a clear green light to leave which was what I was secretly hoping for) and now I'm just not going to put up with anything or any behaviour I don't want to. No prewarmed plates or even dinner most days, no sex, no being his personal assistant. Everyone said to me that he would never change, which may or may not be true, but I can change myself so that's what I'm doing. And looking out for signs of abuse escalating at which point I'll take further action. Weirdly I'm much happier and more cheerful which makes his negative attitude more obvious. I do feel I'm in a much stronger position financially from having stayed with him. He had a strange work situation which meant he was due a lot of money recently as a large project finished...he's paid it in now so it's family money, if I'd been divorcing him he'd have left the money in the company and I'd have had no claim.on it (I've had advice from a divorce lawyer, suggest you do the same, knowledge is power).

It's very worrying that he acted so badly re the asthma attack. I wonder if you could mention that to your Gp, even via a phone call if you don't want to talk about it face to face? It's very serious if he's making her medical condition worse and Gp might be helpful in pointing you towards a local WA or counselling centre even if you don't want to leave H right now. I think you should get something on record -- it might help if his behaviour starts escalating.

Daisychain thanks for making the point about self respect and your very wise words above. Sometimes the situation is more complicated-- and victim blaming is not helpful.

My comment on self-respect was the 3rd post on the thread, and was an answer to the OP's question. It was valid in that context.

Since that post a whole load of shite has appeared which wasn't in the OP. Having read all the other stuff you've shared OP, and understanding more about how truly dreadful your DH is, I can see now that it's not about self-respect or finances at all is it?

You can do it OP, you can make the break - you are strong enough. Your life and that of the DCs will be so much better for it.

I promise I'm not attention seeking to keep posting. I'm just giving updates , it may help someone else in the same position.

What you did say oh did strike a chord - to go and discover yourself. Lovely way to put it.

I have decided if it carries on that I will leave regardless of the financial security which I seem to crave. Esp for my dcs.

He left middle of the night as I talked about a trial separation, then he came back !

We had a long convo. Told him love the nice side but hate him,do not want to be in same room etc when he's being a dick.
That he's destroying me and I can't / won't stay if he continues.

3 main points;
His questioning & interrogation of me
His demands for more attention / affection
And his angry outbursts.

All stem from his fear . I've told him I can't fix him. He needs to do it. However, this last week he's been burying his head, in complete denial. I think he finally understands.

So I have a little hope, I still may press for separation whilst he goes to therapy.

But I think he knows and I know we cannot stay together if nothing changes its not healthy for any of us.

They are wise words about not just being about self respect. I know for me , I do have a lot oof self respect. Feel I could cope emotionally very well on my own.

However, that desire to think you can fix a person, denial of how horrible it is together with the very nature of abuse removing confidence and reducing self esteem can contribute to someone staying.

I think the acceptance that he will not change is and will be the turning point for me. I will not stay.

mrs I'm happy for you that you feel more cheerful day to day and sounds as though you are regaining some control. Which must help enormously.

I will gain legal advice, I got a few numbers from WA

hiding great positive outcome for you, v inspiring

Take martial arts lessons and next time he tries to belittle you put him in a chokehold!

Op you cannot fix other people. I thought I could make my exH into a nicer person by example - it didn't work.

And you cannot take responsibility for their thoughts or their actions either. When someone continually ignores your feelings and your views, your opinions and requests, they are the ones at fault.

It's horrendously difficult coming to the realisation that things won't change but when you do, you realise that you are the one that has to take action.

OP please be aware that the usual pattern for abusers is to temporarily change their nasty behaviours and put on a façade of niceness, for just long enough for you to think "oh he's changed! how wonderful"

Often they will persuade you during this time to tie yourself further to them e.g. another baby or a major financial decision, or to further isolate you from family.

Soon enough they feel secure that you are trapped and unable to leave again, and boom, Mr Nasty makes a reappearance.

He's opted for therapy, I think he finally gets it?

Time will tell.

He said he is trying to be nicer. "Nice" you mean ? 😊

Def no major decisions, and I'm aware of what he's doing as he does it . 👀👀

OP, in my opinion, he doesn't get it. He's just saying what you want to hear.

What form will the therapy take? My exH had months of counselling which didn't make a blind bit of difference (some people are just not ready to look within themselves and recognise that their own behaviour is destructive).

Your list gave me chills! I am 2 yrs separated from such a man. I have gone from a 4 bedroomed detached house with a garden to a 2 bedroomed terrace with a yard and am now working 2 jobs to afford even that. but it was the right decision and I'm happier.

The therapy is group and inividual sessions.

Am I kidding myself it may work I wonder