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Relationships

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Original poster

BF wants marriage but not to live together

30 replies

witchhazelblue · 26/09/2016 12:43

Been with my BF just over a year and things have been going well. We've both been married before and both have kids from those marriages and have always been on the same page about how neither of us felt the need to get married again. We don't live together and have always agreed that it's nice to get together but also to have our 'own space'.

Fairly recently I've noticed his attitude seems to have shifted slightly (him mentioning marriage in a positive light, joking about asking me to marry him in the future). We went for a meal last week and he said something along the lines of maybe we could get married in the future but not living together all the time.

I think he's trying to 'feel out' how receptive I'd be to getting married (and actually, I'm starting to like the idea myself...which surprises me) but an arrangement of a married couple not living together seems really unusual. I admit I'm feeling a bit confused. Would it ever work? Does anyone know of couples who live like this? And any advice for me?

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 26/09/2016 12:45

I don't know any but, it sounds brilliant!

TwentyCups · 26/09/2016 12:47

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim burton have two houses.
I think if most could afford it, a few would.

Solasum · 26/09/2016 12:50

I don't know any either. Why wouldn't you live together? Are your families settled too far apart to make it workable?

A big factor would be if you were to have any children together. Is this the plan?

My mother firmly believes that marriages spent apart often are the happiest.

leakyjane · 26/09/2016 12:50

Helena & Tim separated though....

eurochick · 26/09/2016 12:52

I'd love it but you will be considered "odd".

I know one couple that do it. They are definitely odd...

HandyWoman · 26/09/2016 12:53

I doubt Helena and Tim separated because they didn't live together...

Am watching with interest, not sure how I'd feel. How lovely that he is talking about making that commitment.

Do you feel as though you could live with him? In the future when kids all grown up etc. - would you like to live together in the future?

SandyY2K · 26/09/2016 12:54

The celebs may have multiple properties .... doesn't mean they don't live together.

I don't see the point of getting married and not living together. Might as well stay as you are.

It's nice to get away on a break now and then, but this seems a bit different and more like suggesting time apart on a regular basis.

Like I'm here Monday to Thursday kind of thing.

There are the couples who live separately because of work/army deployments, but this is different.

ShelaghTurner · 26/09/2016 12:54

I think it would be bloody marvellous! Don't know anyone who does it though but God knows I'm tempted.

ilovepicnmix · 26/09/2016 12:55

This is what I want. I have one child nearly all the time. He had two children less than half the time. I can't see that the children have much to gain by us all living together. They certainly wouldn't chose it. When I discuss it with friends they think I'm kidding. My boyfriend wants us to live together because that's what he thinks people do.

ElspethFlashman · 26/09/2016 12:57

This reminds me of a thread on here last year from a lady who was married but lived apart and whilst there were problems she was very defensive it made perfect sense, given jobs and kids etc and their problems were totally unrelated.

Everyone told her it was batshit. And though I don't remember her specific issue, if things had been rosy she wouldn't have been starting a thread. There is a reason married people live together - it starts to feel corrosive after a couple of years if you don't. Niggle niggle niggle.

Youarenotprepared · 26/09/2016 12:58

I know someone in a LTR (6years) and they both maintain own houses. They spent 3 days at his, 3 days at hers and 1 day at their own houses each week. Both are very happy and no plans to change.

YouAreMyRain · 26/09/2016 12:59

I think it could cause problems with tax credits etc as married is seen as meaning "living as a couple"

If you don't need tax credits or other benefits then I think it's fine

Original poster

witchhazelblue · 26/09/2016 13:03

We're both in agreement that we won't be having kids, Solasum. We live in the same town although his kids live with their Mum about 30 mins away.

I think I could live with him Handy although I'm not sure he could say the same about me . We spend 3 or 4 nights of the week together usually anyway depending on our work schedules. And maybe moreso once all the kids have grown up. But we both do like our own space and time to do what we want sometimes. We both own our homes and spend almost equal times at each others.

I don't see the point of getting married and not living together. Might as well stay as you are.

I kind of think this too but not sure why.

I don't mind being called odd btw. People think that anyway.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 26/09/2016 13:03

I think it's a brilliant idea. I know if one couple who do this and they find it fine. Me and the husband didn't live together for the first few years of marriage and I would be fine if it happened again.

leakyjane · 26/09/2016 13:05

Personally, if I'm married, I want to be able to roll over and touch that person in bed. It's all the little bits of living together that make it for me. Together-apart feels like less of a commitment. If you can't comprise well enough to live totally together will it last?

redisthenewblack · 26/09/2016 13:21

I think this sounds perfect. If it works for you then why not?

Slightly different situation but I know a couple who have 2 houses. W lives in marital home with DCs. H works away so has a house near his place of work where he spends Mon-Fri. Sometimes he will stay over for the weekend if he can't be bothered with the 9hr drive home. When he's home they also have their own bedrooms. They have both got so used to having their 'own' house and space so they're very happy with the set up.

furryminkymoo · 26/09/2016 13:25

I know a couple that met later in life, they both had their own homes, they have been married 5 years this year and have only just officially moved in together this year as they sold his house and he lives full time in hers house.

They enjoyed their space, different towns, her house was seen as the more weekend, fun house, his close to work and the City. They married as a life long commitment, they didn't see it as any less of a commitment that they had two homes and each week spent some time apart.

They are now investing in property overseas with the money from the sale of the house.

Fannyupcrutch · 26/09/2016 13:29

My husband and I don't live together. I have a house of my own and he has a 2 bed flat half a mile away. We have been married for 10 years, together for 14. We did live together but had several brief separations and always reconciled after the separations......eventually we realised we were happier with our own space but didn't want to be with anybody else. We have lived apart for 4 years now and we love it. He stays here 2-4 nights a week and we spend the weekends together as a family ( we also have 4 kids). We holiday together and also apart if we want to. Our kids love having a bedroom at dads and it works perfectly for us. We find that if we spend more than 4 days in a row together we start getting on each others nerves.

It may change in the future but it works for us right now. We have never been happier and I am giddy, giggling, head-over-heels in love with him. he feels the same about me.

BlancheDevereux · 26/09/2016 13:45

I've NC as this post will totally out me.

Love all the judgemental comments on this thread.

We don't live together. It works very well indeed for us, although that's because we both wanted it this way.

Luckily nobody we care about thinks we're 'odd', in fact most of our friends who are married couples are quite jealous of our arrangement.

We've been together almost 35 years, did live together for 20+ after we married. Separated 10 years ago for around 18 months and decided that we absolutely loved each other, had no desire to divorce but we couldn't live together either. Works brilliantly for us now.

But I'll say again, it only works for us because we both wanted it this way.

HardcoreLadyType · 26/09/2016 13:52

I probably wouldn't get married to anyone, if I wasn't with DH, as I would want to protect my DC's financial position.

What if you got married, then later divorced? He may be entitled to a share of your assets, which your children would otherwise inherit.

Marriage is a financial contract, basically.

HardcoreLadyType · 26/09/2016 13:53

Marrying, but living apart, though, is fine, if that's what works for you, as a couple.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2016 15:09

As long as you draw up a financial agreement up front then there's no reason why it can't work.
I'd not bother marrying again.
I really can't see the point.
But that's just me - 5 years to divorce! I am NOT doing that again!

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 26/09/2016 15:19

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton had houses next door to each other.

But this probably is rational as they shared children.

I'd be perfectly happy to have separate lives and a rotational kind of arrangement to give myself space, but I wouldn't see the point of marriage in those circumstances.

I worry currently that my DP has a peaceful child free week (he's quite an introvert, and can have a nervous disposition, gets up super early and can't stay awake too late), I also enjoy my two free weekends a month of peaceful bliss. I'm reconnecting with friends, meeting new people and enjoying that time so much. As a single full time working mother I feel I need it too, just to refocus myself and prepare life. I enjoy time alone with my DS too, as its chaos in the week anyway we sometimes have evenings of crazy fun alone.

If we moved in together it'd be always busy. No matter how much we like each other's kids, it's going to be extra grief. I get a bit fearful of that. Divorce has given us back a bit of our lives in a way, and I'm not sure I want to give that up again, or whether I want him to.

Completely selfish but I'm happy with it.

Op, if you feel comfortable with it, then go for it. But make sure you are happy with the reasons for marriage.

LesisMiserable · 26/09/2016 15:34

I'd snap his hand off !!

howtodowills · 26/09/2016 15:52

I would love to this with my DP.

He has 2 DC from previous and I have 1 DS.

We do live together and are expecting a baby at the moment. If we weren't having a baby I would be definitely pushing separate houses. The reason is that I hate the time when his DDs are here as one is completely toxic.

Without her in the picture my life is much more enjoyable.

Do what is right for you as a couple and don't worry what anyone else says.

Just make sure financially the marriage doesn't leave you / your DCs vulnerable.

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