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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset with DH. Am I overreacting?

28 replies

itunscrewstheotherway · 24/09/2016 22:17

Not really sure if Relationships is the right place to post this - just wanted to avoid AIBU.

DH has a history of doing things I consider unsafe with the dc (who are 6 and 2). Essentially just not supervising them enough when he's got them on his own.

Today, he took them out with another boy (age 5) while I was at work, as a sort of favour to the boy's mum. Soon after picking the boy up, the boy legged it round a corner. DH has just told me that he left our 2 year old standing in the 'very quiet' road while he went round the corner - i.e. where he couldn't even see our ds - to get the boy.

I'm absolutely fuming. He's done things I think are stupid before this is the worst. I don't care how quiet the road was. He left a toddler out of sight in a road.

He told me in a tone that suggested he was expecting me to say "well that was a bit silly" or something like that. Now seems to think i'm overreacting. Am I?! Maybe I am?! If I am then I could do with being told so because I am so angry right now.

He says he didn't think it through and regrets it, but that doesn't make it any better to me because his instinctive reaction was therefore to desert our toddler to go and retrieve this other significantly older boy.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 24/09/2016 22:18

I think you should let it go. You've made your feelings clear and he acted on instinct.

Fairylea · 24/09/2016 22:19

Unacceptable to me. Why didn't he just pick the toddler up?

OhTheRoses · 24/09/2016 22:19

Do you mean in the middle of the road or on the pavement?

Original poster
itunscrewstheotherway · 24/09/2016 22:20

In the actual road.

OP posts:
imother · 24/09/2016 22:21

You are not overreacting.

But your dh regrets it, your ds is okay and you've made your point.

Maybe just remind him, neutrally, next time he's in sole charge.

Original poster
itunscrewstheotherway · 24/09/2016 22:22

So that he could run a bit faster to get the 5 year old I'm assuming Fairylea. Just monumentally stupid.

OP posts:
0hCrepe · 24/09/2016 22:22

Sounds like he knows he did the wrong thing. Would be easier to get cross with you though than admit it I expect.

Zippidydoodah · 24/09/2016 22:23

Why in the road? Wasn't there a pavement?

It's done now, but I would also be furious. Surely any sane person would have grabbed the 2 year old before running round the corner.

Waitingforsleep · 24/09/2016 22:23

I have just written a post and I think maybe your situation is similar. I think it's the response he has given you?
If he had said oh my god yes now I think about it I feel horrified I did that (type thing) and agreed with you that he did this and regretted it and was sorry then you wouldn't feel so bad.
It was the downplaying of it and making out its not a big deal that's got your goat?

OhTheRoses · 24/09/2016 22:23

Shock. I wouldn't let him look after them again. Does the friend's mum know what a twit he is?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 24/09/2016 22:24

Sounds like maybe he needs to agree 2 kids is his maximum capability!?

PulyaSochsup · 24/09/2016 22:25

Oh no! My DH can be like this, he needs constant reminding and supervising with DC. Not much you can do really except keep telling him. Mine are all at school now so it's getting easier. It's so worrying, I really feel for you.

BakeOffBiscuits · 24/09/2016 22:28

He needs to just look after your two, until they are a bit older.

He obviously can't cope but feels so guilty he told you. At least he's been honest with you.

Icapturethecast1e · 24/09/2016 22:29

No you didn't overreact. It was an unsafe thing to do. You need to calmly explain to him how you would have handled the situation & how his behaviour is affecting you.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 24/09/2016 22:29

roses he's the father.... op doesn't have to let him

Original poster
itunscrewstheotherway · 24/09/2016 22:33

Yeah. I've said I only want him looking after our kids in future.

I just generally feel like he doesn't take safety seriously enough and it pisses me off. He makes fun of me for being insistent that the doors are locked at night, for example, and if it weren't for me then they frequently wouldn't be. I find it so frustrating.

OP posts:
EmilyDickinson · 24/09/2016 22:33

Goodness no! You are not overreacting. Your two year old could have been run over by a car and killed. If your DH is down playing it I think you need to take him through the possible consequences of his actions. I.e. Say to him,
"what do you think is the worst thing that could have happened to DS when you left him in the middle of the road?"

"If he had been hit by a car, do you think that it is possible that he could have been killed / seriously injured?"

"How would you feel if that happened?"

"How do you think I would feel if that happened?"

"Do you think our relationship would survive?"

"Do you think that you would ever, ever forgive yourself?"

"Do you now understand what you did?"

"Do you understand why I am so upset?"

Waitingforsleep · 24/09/2016 22:38

Omg we have had that re doors too!
Frequently left open with keys in etc. Dh said I had ocd the once as I check doors and I lost my temper and told him he had given it to me! I never had to check the doors before! It's the not apologising and changing behaviour!

Original poster
itunscrewstheotherway · 24/09/2016 22:39

He does understand the severity of what could have happened, I think, but it's hard to tell because his two responses to strong criticism are either to shut down or become very defensive - he doesn't really do emphatic and unreserved apologies.

OP posts:
Waitingforsleep · 24/09/2016 22:44

but is it this aspect op that is making you annoyed? i know with my dh it's the whole defensive and lack of empathy that drives me insane.
It makes me feel as though I'm being unreasonable and I'm guessing you the same hence you posting this to ask people as much - or maybe I'm way off the mark lol

Original poster
itunscrewstheotherway · 24/09/2016 22:48

Actually I think you're right Waitingforsleep. I'm so used to/resigned to DH's lack of emotional responsiveness that I hadn't even considered it as an aggravating factor, but I do think if he'd given me a decent, genuine apology then I wouldn't be half so angry. No chance of one, though. Sounds like our DHs are fairly similar...!

OP posts:
GingerbreadLatteToGo · 24/09/2016 23:00

Fuck me. I'd still be raging at him.

I'm overweight & unfit. I wouldn't have given a second thought to hoisting the 2 year old under one arm, whilst grabbing the hand of the 6 yo & then going for the 5 yo. You simply do not risk the safety of two children to go after one child irrespective of whether they're yours or not.

My friends DH is like this, he leaves the 13 month old on the 6ft open platform of the play set in the garden...just walks off. Then chucks a fit when someone doesn't hold her hand when she's stepping out of the patio door onto grass. He's a engineer, doesn't have friends, has very little social awareness...she is convinced he is autistic, but isn't sure whether it's worth trying to get him to see his Doctor. As she says, it won't change him, BUT she might stop feeling such a strong urge to bury him under the patio if she knows he CAN'T rather than WON'T change his ways.

Waitingforsleep · 24/09/2016 23:02

Yep and I don't know what to do about it!
It's causing major problems and I feel bad as he is a decent bloke but it's driving me mad. I feel angry towards him everytime I feel dismissed or what I have to say isn't valid. I'm sure that if your husband had have agreed with you that it out your two year old in danger and he felt upset with himself then you wouldn't worry so much and would rest easier. It's the fact he has put it onto you and made you feel unreasonable same with the doors.
but how do you make someone see this? inhave talked about it and how I feel etc but his face genuinely looks blank like he doesn't get it!

Joysmum · 24/09/2016 23:05

I shut down when I make a serious mistake that I can't handle. It's self preservation and doesn't mean I'm minimising what happened.

srslylikeomg · 24/09/2016 23:07

Why did he tell you? I'm not being facetious, but I'm wondering what he gets out of telling you these things. Does he get a kick out of you being upset? Enjoy being scolded and treated like an errant child? Likes the 'role' of risk taking dad?? When people behave like this you have to ask 'what's in it for them?' He is a repeat offender (locking the house etc etc) and something must be driving him.