What's he up to?

[Mumbles4]

My husband fell asleep on the sofa last night and I heard his phone go off. It's normally locked but it seemed an odd time to get a message. Anyway, I had a glance over and not only was it unlocked, but I could see a FB message on his screen. I know I shouldn't have opened it, but I did and now I'm not sure what to make of the messages I saw. He's been messaging a woman, I don't recognise her from her profile photo, but some of it seemed fairly mundane whilst others were very innuendo-laden. He's also sent her a few pictures of himself with our son which seems a bit weird. There's a lot of messages, several a day from what I could see, some are before he leaves for work and quite a lot after I go to bed. He's seemed a bit distant recently but I couldn't put my finger on anything in particular. I felt a bit queasy reading the messages if I'm honest, I just had no idea this was happening. Could it all just be innocent?

Doesn't sound innocent to me.
Sorry.
I would take photos of the messages first of all before he finds out you have read them.

I was going to ask if he had a long lost sister that you didn't know about, until I got to the bit where some messages were innuendo laden.

My guess, he's told this woman he's single, a single dad (hence the pics of him and your son).

My guess is he's up to no good

It definitely sounds a bit dodgy to me, but probably like nothing has actually happened between them yet?
I hope you're ok. Had it done to me before children and it's awful
I think you need to confront him and keep pushing if he's denying it.

I am sorry but even if he hasn't seen her hers contemplating an affair in his head by messaging her and if this is over a period of time it is worse frankly I'd see this as more of an affair that a one night stand as each day he's messaging her he's cheating. If this is innocent why hasn't he told you. I know this is not what you want to hear but unless this persons a long lost relative or a daughter he didn't know he had you need to confront him!

I think you're right Mumoftwo, it doesn't read like they've actually done anything, but it feels like it might lead to that. Some of the messages were him asking her to guess what underwear he had on :-(

He is up to no good. Arsehole.

He could actually be deleting really incriminating stuff on the spot - just in case you do come across this shite. Sending pics of him and your ds would give me the rage actually. Go back in phone and send them all to your phone as he will delete the lot when pull him on it.

What a shit

Agree with everyone else that it doesn't sound good. I'm so sorry. I think you should take pictures of all the messages in case he deletes them.

Have you told anyone in real life?

Well he's certainly trying to develop some form of sexual communication or relationship with her.

Which are both a no-no when you're in a relationship.

There is no innocent explanation for that whatsoever.

So he's up to no good and can't be trusted.

I agree Clara it's still cheating and I'd be devastated if I found it on my partners phone. Some people are different though. It doesn't sound good at all OP ;(
I've never understood why people risk a family for something like this. Everyone goes through rough patches even if it's that.

See if you can check for hidden apps like whatsapp or site apps of you get a chance. Sorry OP it doesn't look good! Xxx

Oh God I feel awful now. I didn't get chance to photo/send any of the messages to myself as he started to wake and I panicked and closed the phone, which then locked it. The messages went back as far as June, that seems to be when it started, although there were so many I didn't get to read half of what was there.

Hi op does he know you went on his phone?

Nina, no I don't think so. I want to ask him about the messages but no idea how to broach the subject

Wow you're so much more patient than me, I would have asked who (insert name of fb friend) is by now. Is he on his phone a lot at the moment?

I'd just come out and ask him who she is and say you saw it pop up on his phone last night. If he shrugs it off, explain you looked through the messages and you don't believe it's innocent and want an explanation. Be strong.

Considering his phone is always locked and you don't have the password I'd be tempted to just say 'I need you to unlock your phone and show me the messages' and take it from there.

He may have already deleted them though

Well I spoke to him last night. Just came out with it in the end, said I'd seen the message come up and why on Earth he's messaging her. He denied there was anything going on, said she's just a friend from work! He said she's admitted having a bit of a crush on him but he's told her he's not interested. When I asked him about the suggestive messages,he said it was just a bit of banter, but who does that without there being something behind it? So he basically doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong and I'm left feeling totally unsure what to do next. He doesn't seem to get how hurt I am about all this.

Banter my arse.When is it ever ok to discuss underwear with 'someone at work'? Make him show you the full extent of the messages on his phone and maybe look for a second phone too.I'd also be checking his Ipad or any device he uses for email etc.Hope you can nip this in the bud if not too late.However don't believe a word he says if he still uses the word 'banter'.Next he'll be swearing on all sorts of people's lives.Good luck mumbles Sorry you're going through this..

It's not banter.

Ask him to show you his phone and the read them and don't be surprised if they are all deleted. If they are you know your answer for sure.

Scroll back on here a reread what you first seen.

I'm sorry op, I hope you get to the bottom of this, it is possible from his side that it is just a bit of banter and he hasn't seen or realised the harm it could be doing, the woman from work may be trying to instigate something, get his attention etc, why would he send pics of himself and your DS to her? Do you know any of his other work colleagues to be able to ask about her to get a bit more background? I have a 'banter' messaging with a male friend, mostly smutty jokes, he suffered with depression but helps make him laugh, I know his wife a little too so have said to her that we have this banter as its nothing more than trying to put a smile on his face but if she was unaware of it and came across it I'm not sure what she would have made of it so had wanted to be sure she know and was ok about it, which she is. Perhaps then it is the fact he hasn't mentioned the woman form work or the messages that is why it gives you reason to be hurt, hopefully she is inconsequential to him so much so that he never thought to mention it, however just keep your wits about you in case it is more, really hope it isn't though

He does get how hurt you are but he is bluffing his arse off. He was asking what under wear she had on so he could picture it while he has a wank probably.

Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes, he has a lot to lose if you discover this of course he is lying

red I'm sorry but your bang out of order too messaging a man with a wife with 'smutty' messages. If I was you I'd save you trying to cure his depression to the GP or his actual wife. What would your Dh or dp think if he seen your messages? You do t see the harm in this because you have crossed the line also

OP don't let him fool you, he's having an affair. Sorry

Ugh the fact a woman thinks she needs to send smutty messages to cheer a man up makes my skin crawl.