What's he up to?

[Mumbles4]

My husband fell asleep on the sofa last night and I heard his phone go off. It's normally locked but it seemed an odd time to get a message. Anyway, I had a glance over and not only was it unlocked, but I could see a FB message on his screen. I know I shouldn't have opened it, but I did and now I'm not sure what to make of the messages I saw. He's been messaging a woman, I don't recognise her from her profile photo, but some of it seemed fairly mundane whilst others were very innuendo-laden. He's also sent her a few pictures of himself with our son which seems a bit weird. There's a lot of messages, several a day from what I could see, some are before he leaves for work and quite a lot after I go to bed. He's seemed a bit distant recently but I couldn't put my finger on anything in particular. I felt a bit queasy reading the messages if I'm honest, I just had no idea this was happening. Could it all just be innocent?

Mumbles

This won't go away and he needs
To realise what he has done is wrong... and that in your eyes you see this as cheating.

I am speaking from experience here from a close friend whom had this happen to her a few
Times and ten years later they've just split up as she has an affair. She'd let it lie at the time for the sake of her family but the paranoia grew and grew and it Hurst's when you don't trust someone. Eventually my friend had an affair and has split from her husband.

I think your husband needs
Sitting down and he needs to realise what this means to you and how hurt you are. Him dismissing it is rude and will only hurt you more later on.

Is their issues in your relationship ? Is he happy ?
Are you ?

Nina, it was him actually asking her to guess what underwear he had on - why would you say that to someone who had admitted to fancying you if you didn't want to lead them on? He said she doesn't mean anything to him, but just the number of messages over the last few months makes me suspicious. I didn't think we had problems in our marriage, we don't see each other as much as we would like as i often work evenings but I never expected anything like this. I think I believe him when he says he hasn't physically done anything with this woman, but surely if she fancies him and he keeps encouraging her then it's only a matter if time. Why can't he see how damaging this is for us?

Because he wants her to envisage him naked, it's sexual. Would you say that to a male friend of yours over coffee?

If it's not sexual - yet. It certainly is emotional that's why they have engaged for so long. This isn't a couple of flirty texts is it. He obviously fancies her too op, he likes her, he likes the attention she is giving him. Don't fall in to the trap of thinking this woman is chasing him. He sent a bloody pic of him and his son - that's actually very personal. That's moving away from sexual/flirty banter to 'I'm going to share aspects of my life with you'

I'm not saying LTB this instant, this could be salvaged I suppose BUT it's your Dh that has to do the saving. You know it's more than what he is saying, he is trying to fool you - even that is a basic lack of respect for you, he clearly thinks your stupid enough to fall for it.

He should :

Put his hands up and admit what he has done/been doing.

He should give you full access to his phone so you can go through it all

He should be asking for your forgiveness for crossing the line

He should be willing to do what ever you ask to start building trust back

He should be genuinely sorry and I mean heart felt - in which you believe him.

op don't turn a blind eye to this in the name of a quiet life or keeping family on an even track. My exSIL had 20 years of this from BIL and in the end mil, FIL and BIL started blaming her for being 'misrable'. She devorced him last year.

Make you stand now, otherwise this will not be the last time x

I'd be really intrested to know if he has deleted The messages.

It's not banter
This will now move under stones

I work in a male dominated business and banter never goes to a sexual personal context. its more like "oi oi, nob face how was the cruise" not "guess what underwear I am wearing" Do not be fobbed off! Sorry OP big hug xxx

So we've had another chat and I've told him I just don't find this acceptable. I said I wanted to see the messages and he let me look at the thread. I don't know whether it was all still there, he did look rather sheepish as I scrolled through it. He's right in that he doesn't seem to have put any kisses or anything in the messages and a lot of it seems to be initiated by her, however he doesn't really seem to be dissuading her either. He's even sent her one this morning! Saying how he intends to work out more and get a 6-pack. He says there's nothing dodgy about that, but why send it at all? I really don't know. I just feel like the trust has gone now.

I'm sure there are some partners out there who want to be seen as cool and laid-back and who might accept this, but you are clearly not OK with it, and I reckon most of us would agree with you.
He can bluster all he likes, but these messages cross a line, and even if she is initiating things, he's colluding in it and encouraging it. It's just seedy and unprofessional.
It would be a deal-breaker for me, if he refused to stop doing it. What about for you?

Well yes it has.

The fact he still won't admit to anything being out of order is way off. Did you see the messages about her guessing what under ware he had on ect.. Where they still there? Who is he getting the six pack for? Why does she need to know that?

Call his bluff op. He is really fronting it out

Why did he send her a family pic of just him and his son? Why were you not on it?

Op, at least make a stand and say you don't care how reasonable he thinks it is - you don't. And what is he going tondo about it!?

OP, he really is behaving like a major knob and just loves the flirtatious attention, at the very least. His claiming it's her that has the crush is flimsy thin. They are both getting rocks off in a sexual way.
Your two ideas of what is acceptable and unacceptable seem oceans apart.

Just texting after your talk is massively disrespectful.

I wouldn't trust him either.

How would he feel if you were receiving these sort of messages from someone else?

Yes, how would he feel - particularly if you were to ask another bloke to imagine what underwear you had on?

Can he not see what damage this is doing?

I am sure he can. He is just currently putting this sexual frisson he is getting above your happiness, marriage and well-being.

He sent her a message this morning after your talk last night?

This man does not have a scrap of respect for you.

He seriously sent her a
Message this morning what a fucking Nob !

He clearly either doesn't give a shit and either thinks you don't or dosent care if you do !

If you want your relationship to continue you need to tell him be blocks her stops talking to her or this is over ! I.e. You walk he may be wanting a reaction from you to show you care
Or he's just dumb and dosent get it!!! Either way it is so disrespectful that he has text her even After you have spoke he'll have deleted messages !!!