Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH shouting and swearing at DD

42 replies

Ellarose85 · 22/09/2016 22:54

I've just had to go downstairs and bring my 10 week old dd up to bed with me after hearing DH shouting and swearing at her for not settling.

He's stressed out, we've been arguing, he's never ever done anything like this before or given me any reason to worry.

There's no coming back from this is there?

OP posts:

Amandahugandkisses · 22/09/2016 22:57

What was his reaction. Is he mortified? Apologetic?

It's a pretty bad thing to do yes. You felt the instinct to remove her and protect her I imagine. Does that mean you felt he could have gone on to harm her?
Sorry this has happened and I hope you are both safe.

Canyouforgiveher · 22/09/2016 22:59

what do you mean there is no coming back from this? You would divorce him because he shouted in frustration at a baby?

No it is not a good thing to do but the first months after a baby can be shattering in a way you can't explain until you are in it. Years ago my sister told me that most people she knew had the worst year of their marriage after their first baby was born. I had colic and my parents used to take every second night to walk the floor with me. My mother tells the funny story of how one night she asked my dad if it would be awful to throw me out the window.

Unless he otherwise is shouty and potentially violent to you or other children, then I would talk to him when things are calmer and tell him that if he gets frustrated with the baby, he needs to figure something else out rather than shouting. Maybe tell you he is too frustrated. Mind you don't let that one become an excuse for you doing everything (darling I'm in danger of shouting, here's the baby, I'm watching tv).

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 22/09/2016 23:00

He was neither mortified or apologetic. He was still raging when I went downstairs, I've no doubt that he will change his tune after he's slept on it.

I'm devastated to be honest.

OP posts:

LovingLola · 22/09/2016 23:00

Are you both strung out from lack of sleep?

ashtrayheart · 22/09/2016 23:00

It's not great no, but I suspect we would be sympathetic to a mother in this situation. What's he like normally? Did you think he would hurt her or was he letting off steam?

LovingLola · 22/09/2016 23:02

And I still remember the look on my next door neighbour's face when I told her - about 18 years ago - that I was beginning to understand how people could feel like screaming at a baby to shut the fuck up....

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 22/09/2016 23:02

She is a good baby, never ever a problem, intact you hardly know she is there most of the time.

I wouldn't just divorce him over this incident, there's a lot more going on in our relationship - it isn't good. Sorry for drip feeding, I'm just mentaly exhausted with it all.

OP posts:

LovingLola · 22/09/2016 23:03

And I am sure I have seen posts here where people advise other people to leave the baby in a safe place and then shout and scream all they like!

Canyouforgiveher · 22/09/2016 23:05

Well your later posts have made me think this is more serious, especially that he is still raging. He is letting anger take over.

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 22/09/2016 23:08

I've never known him like this with the kids, I think I might be in shock!

He's never normally one to be stressed out or shout but he's been quite aggressive all night.

OP posts:

80schild · 22/09/2016 23:08

I think some people need to learn how to deal with babies - your DH is one. Talk to him about it in a way that leaves him in no doubt if he ever does it again he wI'll be putting your relationship at risk. Not everyone understands babies or what is appropriate.

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 22/09/2016 23:13

I've given up talking to him at the minute, he just shouts and turns everything round to me and what I've done wrong.

I need to leave but have no idea how or where to go. I've got no friends or family really and the grand some of £20 to my name.

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 22/09/2016 23:18

Is there something else going on? Could he be having an affair? Doing drugs? gambling? some sort of stressor that you don't know about. It sounds like he is taking something out on you and his family.

Is there any friend or cousin you could call for help?

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 22/09/2016 23:21

No affair, he is stressed with work, money and our crumbling relationship.

He is drinking more than he should, he turns to drink whenever times are difficult.

There's no one I can go to, my family don't like him and I can't be doing with their I told you so's and my best friend lives a few hours away. I will contact her tomorrow and see if I can stay with her for a couple of days.

OP posts:

Thinkingblonde · 22/09/2016 23:26

He should be the one to leave. Put yourself and your kids first. Are you safe? If so keep out of his way for tonight and don't let him anywhere near the dc. If he is aggressive towards any of you then call the police.

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 22/09/2016 23:29

I think we are safe.

I can hear that he is opening drink after drink which is worrying.

I will call the police if he shows anymore aggression.

Geez, I never imagined us ending up like this when we first met. We were so bloody happy

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/09/2016 23:50

I'm not liking this, op. Before I opened your thread I was expecting your dd to be 15 year old going off the rails. Not a 10 week old baby. I highly doubt she's saying to herself "Oh I won't settle tonight, as I want to piss my dad off. It can't be easy. I get that, but I can't excuse effin and Jeffin at a tiny baby. Who lets not forget didn't ask to be born.

Amandahugandkisses · 22/09/2016 23:51

He's drinking now?

Canyouforgiveher · 23/09/2016 00:37

I know I don't know but my guess is that he has a drink problem. He has become dependent on alcohol to relieve his stress.

He was angry at the baby because he wanted her to settle so he could go and pour himself a drink - he was at that edgy/angry/need a drink stage of his day and she was thwarting him.

He stayed angry with you because that way he didn't have to come up to bed and talk or make up or go to sleep - he could stay downstairs and pour drink after drink - with a "reason" for drinking - wife got angry at me.

Verticalvenetianblinds · 23/09/2016 00:44

hope hes settled down. guess hes sleeping on the sofa tonight?

KARMAisaBtch · 23/09/2016 01:20

Op, you have mentioned that your family doesn't like him and you can't be bothered with the ' I told you so'

Think that it's better to hear 'I told you so' than you and your baby's safety are at risk with him.

The way you have described is really worrying, it is better to reach out to your family and explain to them what's happening so they aware in case situation gets worse.

Priority is you and your baby's safety

Take care

Superstar90 · 23/09/2016 01:23

Are you ok op?

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 27/09/2016 23:20

Sorry I've not been back. We've had a wedding to attend - had to pretend everything is fine when it's not.

We had a petty row tonight then as usual I got upset and it all came back down to the same ongoing issues.

He told he hated me, he hated the sight of me, he hated my voice, I'm mental, my family are useless and it's my fault if our family breaks up.

Now I know how he feels about me (I knew it all along, I wanted to hear him say it) I am ready to leave. I also felt scared of him for the first time tonight, if I didn't have to baby next to me I'm sure he would've been violent.

I am broken.

OP posts:

ManaFleet · 27/09/2016 23:31

Original poster

Ellarose85 · 28/09/2016 00:23

Is anyone awake?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2