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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flags - always a warning?

34 replies

polkadotrocks · 20/09/2016 22:59

Met a guy.....he is amazing. Really like him.

He seems to be head over heels.

But...Red flags.

Declarations, actions everything all really soon. I keep reining him in. But I feel that way too. But am trying to be sensible...

Are they always red flags or can it just be a connection?

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 20/09/2016 23:04

How long have you known him? How did you meet? How long have you been seeing each other? What are the declarations/actions?

I think it's normally a warning sign. Especially if you met via OLD.

But others will be along to disagree, I'm sure!

MephistoMarley · 20/09/2016 23:05

Personally I feel it's pretty much always a ref flag especially if you have asked him to cool it and he hasn't. That's basically ignoring your wishes and boundaries.

Original poster

polkadotrocks · 20/09/2016 23:07

Yeah....online dating.
3 weeks.
Telling me he thinks he's falling for me.

But...I really like him....why would he be saying it if not true?!

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 20/09/2016 23:07

I think sometimes it's just a connection.
I've felt instantly crazy about people, and had that returned.
Sometimes it has lasted for some time, others it fizzled out faster. In neither situation has there been abuse.

I think it's fine to let yourself enjoy the rush - as long as you don't make decisions that can come back to bite you.

So... By all means enjoy declarations of love after 5 minutes... but don't sign over your life savings because of that love

Original poster

polkadotrocks · 20/09/2016 23:08

I haven't asked him to cool it...I just change the subject!!

OP posts:

Shriek · 20/09/2016 23:09

There will be other things too that would make a whole of red flags. Its a red flag to both parties I reckon to rush into something so unknown and yet trusting?!

He might been in ideolisation land and being the perfect charmer just now or that just might be who he is. Maybe you could idealsing him which is not healthy either?

Through grim experience find out earlier than later (committed to anything)

Depends how early days it is but do look for red flags and enjoy taking your time to get to know each other. You cant know compatibility, its something realised over time...

ivykaty44 · 20/09/2016 23:10

What harm is it doing if you till have your hand on the brakes? Just chill and enjoy the moment. It's not like your getting married I the morning

Cabrinha · 20/09/2016 23:11

Why would he say it if not true?

because he knows it's a great way to get sex
because he enjoys the drama of it (and not even necessarily in a deliberate lying way, swept up himself - but will be short lived)
because he's an abusive arsehole who knows that going OTT is a great way of hooking someone so they don't immediately back off when he starts fucking with them

Plenty of reasons!

Agree with Marley that ignoring you telling him to cool it is more of a red flag than him actually being OTT.

What exactly is the issue? What are you reining in?

Shriek · 20/09/2016 23:14

There can be great connections instantly but equally really toxic ones so worth getting to know which one u have

Original poster

polkadotrocks · 20/09/2016 23:16

Just feel it's too soon fir him to think he's in love with me....I feel like I could end up there. Am definitely infatuated.

I want it to go somewhere... Hopefully. Just should I be shutting him down? Or let him say itand keep my feelings in check?

(he isn't saying it for sex )

OP posts:

KatieScarlett · 20/09/2016 23:16

I agree, red flag (which is rich considering I married my 3 week in "marry me" DH 20 odd years ago).

Mintychoc1 · 20/09/2016 23:23

I disagree that it's a definite red flag.
Some people mistake infatuation for love, some people are genuinely cruel and abusive, some people are just emotionally inept, and some people really do fall in love quickly when they meet the right person. At this stage you don't know which category your man falls into. It could be good, it could be bad. I would say that the best thing is to enjoy it for what it is, don't encourage the declarations of love if you don't feel comfortable with them, and be aware that it may all come to nothing.

Cabrinha · 20/09/2016 23:24

I don't think you can rule out him saying it for sex.
If you're not having sex, it could be to persuade you. If you are having sex, it could be to make sure you keep on.
Might not be about sex at all, but after 3 weeks, you don't know him at all. So it could be.

Personally, I don't like the sound of him (sorry!) because he uses my personal 101 phrase of "think I'm falling for you". Manipulative shite in my opinion. Do or do not, there is no try. Fall or do not, there is no think. IMO! (and Yoda's )

If you like him, then run with it - just as I say, don't sign away your life savings. But if you tell him not to make declarations just yet and he ignores your wishes, take that as your red flag..

HandyWoman · 20/09/2016 23:27

Agree with Cabrinha with the 'think I'm falling for you' phrase. Yep, manipulative that.

maisiejones · 20/09/2016 23:28

Why would he be saying it if not true?. Oh please!

Cabrinha · 20/09/2016 23:36

I'm not the only one then HandyWoman?

It's just soooooooo carrot on a stick, if you're a lucky girl and a good girl and play your cards right, you could win the prize here

Original poster

polkadotrocks · 20/09/2016 23:38

I need this Advice! Thank you...think I am clueless!!

OP posts:

PastoralCare · 21/09/2016 00:21

Bad idea, very bad idea.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/09/2016 03:12

For the "I think I'm falling for you" line, I'd respond with, " well, that's your problem". 3 weeks is just way too soon-you are still strangers. The line is an emotional manipulation, but has a lot of wiggle room for deniability later on.

You are not clueless! You are listening with your gut and giving it the trust and consideration as you should.

MephistoMarley · 21/09/2016 04:59

He said he thinks he's in love with you?
See that to me is an obvious red flag. Nobody can be in love with a person after 3 weeks but if they feel they are then they are a)terrible and acknowledging and understanding their own feelings which bodes very ill for the future and b)projecting a fantasy person onto their love object who isn't real which is very dysfunctional and potentially narcissistic.

whattodowiththepoo · 21/09/2016 05:08

*Telling me he thinks he's falling for me.

But...I really like him....why would he be saying it if not true?!*

Is that a sarcastic question?
I think you are putting too much importance on words, you could have completely different ideas of what falling for someone is.
Just see how it goes and judge him mainly on actions.

Whoooodat · 21/09/2016 05:21

It could be true. Only thing is he might change his mind.

I find a lot of guys like this at the start. It's usually just over-enthusiasm and it does die down. Then you know if it stands a chance.

Quodlibet · 21/09/2016 05:26

I fell in love with my DP inside 3 weeks. We met OLD. We've been together 8 years and have two kids. It's not always a red flag.

doji · 21/09/2016 07:10

If he's just being overenthusiastic, give him the benefit of the doubt. If he's using how much he 'loves' you to step over boundaries, bin him. I don't think it's an immediate dumping offence - but it's definitely a heads up to be on alert for other indications that he might be a twunt.

MephistoMarley · 21/09/2016 07:14

no, sorry, just because your relationship is strong and solid now it doesn't mean I accept you were in love after 3 weeks. You simply couldn't have known him well enough to be in love. And just because it worked out well for you isn't reason for other people to ignore their instincts if they feel something is moving too fast.

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