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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told H not to come home tonight.

31 replies

whatnow33 · 11/09/2016 17:50

He's been really rude to me. Told me to fuck off Angry. He says he is very tired but hasnt apologised.

I've told him not to come home tonight because imo he went too far and I don't want to be with someone who thinks it's OK to speak to me like that.

This has all been communicated by text Hmm. He has sent a few more messages since then, trying to draw me into an argument with him but I've not responded as I don't particularly want to get in a slanging match, especially not via text message! Plus he's meant to be working.

Legally I know I can't actually keep him out because both our names are on he tenancy agreement so I'm not sure what to do if/when he comes home later (probably around 10-10.30pm).

Did I overreact? I'm really hurt that he apparently thinks he can speak to me like shit and that that's fine. We have small children so everything's pretty hard work at the moment. But I don't think that's a good enough excuse for treating me like this.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 11/09/2016 18:00

Ignore the tenancy agreement for the time being and insist that he sleeps somewhere else. If he refuses and you want to end the relationship, you'll need to cross that bridge and decide who is going to look for alternative accommodation.

Well done for being so strong!

SherlockStones · 11/09/2016 18:10

He was wrong yes but to tell him to sleep elsewhere is a bit much.

I wonder if it was a man would he be supported in telling his wife to sleep elsewhere if she snapped at him like that, I think I know the answer already.

AnyFucker · 11/09/2016 18:11

3 posts before we get the shitbag "reversal"

Good going Hmm

GingerbreadGingerbread · 11/09/2016 18:11

Er what?

You can't throw him out of his home for telling you to fuck off get a grip OP. Just have it out with him when he gets home?

Trifleorbust · 11/09/2016 18:17

She can definitely ask him to move out. That is what ending a relationship goes like - one person asks the other to leave. Doesn't mean she should, or that she can force him, but she is within her rights to have telling her to fuck off as a line.

CannotEvenDeal · 11/09/2016 18:21

In what context did he tell you to fuck off?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/09/2016 18:27

She can definitely ask him to move out. That is what ending a relationship goes like - one person asks the other to leave. Doesn't mean she should, or that she can force him, but she is within her rights to have telling her to fuck off as a line

He has the right to not leave too

Trifleorbust · 11/09/2016 18:28

That's what I said, Piglet, isn't it?

blueskyinmarch · 11/09/2016 18:29

I think the context around why he said it is important. I have told my DH to fuck off before. We are still happily married.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/09/2016 18:31

That's what I said, Piglet, isn't it?

Eh?

You said she has a right to ask him to leave . All I said was he has a right to refuse to.

Original poster
whatnow33 · 11/09/2016 18:32

Im not going to have it out with him at 10.30 at night when we will both be even more tired and he will probably be hungry too. I dont think that will achieve anything.

Im not kicking him out Hmm. I already said I know it is his house too and that he is entitled to be here. Even though it is apparently a 'shithole' that he doesnt want to live in anyway.

Its not a one off. Its becoming a regular thing recently of him talking to me like a piece of shit and i really need a break from it all. I would leave myself but I have the dcs at home with me.

Ive never told a partner to fuck off. Obviously other people have different ideas of whats ok in a relationship.

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 11/09/2016 18:32

God if me and dh split up every time we told each other to eff off Blush as long as it's not in front of the kids and as it was by text I'd let it go

Lilaclily · 11/09/2016 18:32

Oh sorry cross posts

Do you love him ?

Trifleorbust · 11/09/2016 18:34

Piglet: Read what I actually wrote again.

SarcasmMode · 11/09/2016 18:34

Id tell him to sleep on the sofa.

If he starts early tomorrow night not even have to see him?

Either way you should discuss if you both even want to be in this relationship as neither seem happy.

Rachcakes · 11/09/2016 18:36

DH and I have also told each other to fuck off on occasion. Not our finest moments but usually when we're under massive stress and something has tipped us into a row. We haven't been like that for ages, luckily. I think our marriage is strong enough to handle snapping like that. Those are usually the times we need each other most, even though we are arguing.

Rachcakes · 11/09/2016 18:38

Ah, cross posted. No, it's not OK. And under normal circumstances it's not how we usually speak to each other. But it's not ending it all serious either. Not to us.
Depends how the rest of the relationship is I guess.

Original poster
whatnow33 · 11/09/2016 19:00

The context is very boring. But basically:

H was having a nap upstairs. I was downstairs looking after the dcs. Dc1 started throwing a tantrum. I managed to calm him down fairly quickly but it woke up H. H appeared and by this point the baby had started crying so I asked him (nicely) if he could please check on him. I made sure dc1 was settled and then took baby from H. H then walked out the house without saying anything.

So i texted him to ask where hed gone and he went off on a rant about there being nothing he wanted to eat in the fridge and its all my fault because i do the food shopping. I texted back (again quite nicely!) that he needed to let me know when i do the shopping if he wants something different and i will get it for him. Or theres nothing stopping him buying whatever he wants himself. More ranting from him about how he needs a HOT meal for lunch not just dinner and its not just the dcs who get hungry its him too, etc. I didnt even reply to that so he sent me 2 fuck off messages. Then i said please dont come home tonight. He said the stuff about the house being a shithole he doesnt want to live here anyway, and some criticisms of my cleaning skills (breadcrumbs by the bread bin which I had failed to clean off from lunch and very small patch of dirt by the front door which came off the buggy wheels yesterday and I forgot to clean up).

That was long sorry.

OP posts:
CannotEvenDeal · 11/09/2016 19:02

He sounds like a twat. I'd tell him to fuck off and go and cook his own hot meals.

Trifleorbust · 11/09/2016 19:07

He sounds like a total dick. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that and it sounds like you know it.

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/09/2016 19:10

Sounds like you're both stressed out and tired for one thing but yes he is very much in the wrong in what he said about the house and the food.

Does he have form for this or could it be purely a stress reaction? If you feel you need space that's not unreasonable but maybe you could go out when he gets back - to your mums or a friends? He would have to step up to the childcare/house work then too!

RandomMess · 11/09/2016 19:11

Let me guess; despite the fact you look after the DC full time he does nothing to help in the house - he saw this mess and didn't actually do his share and clear it up?

Do you get equal leisure time?

Original poster
whatnow33 · 11/09/2016 19:11

It was not a row. It was him having a massive fuck off rant at me and being really nasty.
The first few times we talked it through and he apologisedand it was all fine but its just all the time recently.

I love him and do not want to split up. We have been together 8 years, married for 5 and are generally good. I just dont want to be spoken to like this any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatnow33 · 11/09/2016 19:18

I cant leave the dcs here because the baby is bf and there is nowhere I can go where I could take him too. Plus hes already in bed and I dont really want to drag him outside that late.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatnow33 · 11/09/2016 19:29

And yes, since I went on mat leave I feel like a fucking skivvy. He does do stuff around the house but the amount he does seems to be getting less and less.

I had a chat with him yesterday (it was a chat, not a row) because he comes hom for lunch every day, makes a sandwich or whatever and then when hes finished he just leaves everything out sprawled all over the work surface and kitchen table and lies on the sofa/bed until its time to go back to work Angry. For months Ive been gently reminding him to tidy up afterwards before he leaves but he never does. Yesterday he finished his lunch, walked off to the living room and without thinking I started clearing everything up, until I suddenly realised what I was doing.

So I think hes probably been stewing over me 'telling him off' yesterday and now hes lashing out.

OP posts: