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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told him to shut up and he did

40 replies

Lulu2515 · 11/09/2016 09:10

Driving home last night from time with his family, I asked for his help at a roundabout...he told me the wrong exit then slagged off my driving so I snapped at him saying he wasnt helping and telling him to shut up.
He called me a miserable bitch and told me not to speak to him.
Hes not not talking to me at all, wont look at me and said hes not coming to my family thing today.
Im crying in the shower.

OP posts:

ApocalypseSlough · 11/09/2016 09:15

Well, without knowing more- how long you've been dating, your tone, how he is normally etc. it's impossible to tell if this is significant. I'd definitely tell my oh to shut up and he wouldn't call me a miserable bitch. Do you think he might be delighted at the opportunity to sack off today? Go without him today and take it from there.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/09/2016 09:16

Go to your family do on your own; leave him to it.

I guess he is like this towards you pretty much all of the time isn't he?. His behaviour towards you yesterday is reprehensible; he was at that time emotionally abusive towards you.

I would consider talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247

Charlie97 · 11/09/2016 09:19

I'm assuming that a massive back story is relevant here?

Original poster

Lulu2515 · 11/09/2016 09:31

Yeah i suppose back story is relevant, i was just trying to get some perspective on which one of us, if either, was over reacting.

Our relationship was very much him bwing nasty and me crying for a long time. But things have been lots better for a good 6 months. Today just reminded me of before.

I just think being ignored is the worst thing. And when i asked him to tell me what id done that was so wrong, he said if i didnt know then he wasnt going to tell me. Im not apologising when he called me a bitch, surely he should apologise?

Yes, he may be trying to gey out of today.

OP posts:

ApocalypseSlough · 11/09/2016 09:33

"Our relationship was very much him bwing nasty and me crying for a long time"
That's awful. Go to your family today and have a long think about getting out of the relationship.

SaggyNaggy · 11/09/2016 09:33

Our relationship was very much him bwing nasty and me crying

Simply put, why be with him then?

A partner should make you happy, if he isn't, then he shouldn't be ypoypour partner.

Original poster

Lulu2515 · 11/09/2016 09:37

Weve got a dc together who's under 2. We did split for a while and i moved back in with my mum. I think that moved us out of the downward spiral we were in.

I just....urgh!!! I dont know!!! I hate that he can be so cold and unmoved when im crying. Its almost like i disgust him

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 11/09/2016 09:38

If you tell him to fuck off do you think he will? Or do you think he is just doing this to make you be the one that cries whilst he carries on being nasty as that's your dynamic?

Personally, hope that he shuts up forever whilst you go enjoy your family and work out how to enjoy your future not crying all the time.

SaggyNaggy · 11/09/2016 09:42

I've been with my gf for 5 years, in that time I've made her cry through nastiness zero times, she's made me cry through nastiness zero times.

Personally, if that figure was higher than zero I would be questioning whether or not she's my partner. Just because ypu have a child doesn't mean you have to sacrifice happiness. Also think about the role models its setting for your child.
Do you want them growing upnto think that mummy crying and daddy being a cold and distant is normal?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/09/2016 09:42

Would go to your family's do today and have a long think about this relationship and your future within it. There is going to be more abuse from him if you stay; men like this infact hate women, all of them. This man is making you unhappy and the so called good times are probably very few and far between now and all on his terms as well. His actions towards you anyway are not loving ones.

Also consider what you two year old is already learning about relationships here; is this really the role model you want your child to be seeing and learning from?.

Original poster

Lulu2515 · 11/09/2016 09:46

saggy naggy :-(
The reason we split before was because we didnt want dc to be affected. In the last 5 months i think this is the first time ive cried because of his nastiness. But still, yes, i see your point

OP posts:

memyselfandaye · 11/09/2016 09:46

You need to grow out of all of this angsty shit.

Clearly he is a nasty prick, don't be a doormat, tell him to leave and concentrate on raising your child as a strong, happy confident woman.

DoreenLethal · 11/09/2016 09:50

Hes not not talking to me at all, wont look at me and said hes not coming to my family thing today

I'd say this was the best outcome really. Why would you want a complete cunt at a family thing?

Stop getting upset and get rid. What is the house situation? Can you move back to your mums? In fact can you get enough stuff to last a week and just don't go back today?

Original poster

Lulu2515 · 11/09/2016 09:52

Its not that simple unfortunately, i have a full time job near to where we are and family all live about 3 hours away

OP posts:

category12 · 11/09/2016 09:52

The reason you split is back. I think you should take this as a sign that he won't change and the future together is you sobbing and him stropping and making life miserable, especially if there's something he wants to get out of doing.

Future apart, looks much better and holds chances of being with someone who makes you happy.

Original poster

Lulu2515 · 11/09/2016 10:03

Just gave him one last chance to come today and told him he was making our relationship like it used to be. Didnt acknowledge me.

Im torn between crying and stabbing him (no actual stabbing will ever take place)... so im doing my makeup with rage instead.

OP posts:

hermione2016 · 11/09/2016 10:04

I can relate to your relationship and am finally separating.My husband wouldn't call me names but would react aggressively in any discussion until I was so upset to the point of shaking.

It hasn't got better. We have had periods of calm when we seem to get on very well but I walk on eggshells as I know an eruption is not far away.No matter how hard I have tried he cannot change the way he deals with conflict, which is essential to a good relationship.

I eventually saw that my feelings don't matter to my h, he feels more hurt than me and therefore I am too blame.Seems like a similar dynamic for you.
You are being punished for asking him to shut up.
I think in a healthy relationships this would be handled differently and there would be acknowledging hurt and then making up.Its obvious you didn't mean to hurt him but he's escalating the situation by the retaliating comment, not talking to you and not going to family event.You are being taught never to show your feelings of dissatisfaction with him.

My h had an outwardly respectful upbringing but his parents modelled the most dreadful behaviour.His mum was extremely aggressive and his dad would not communicate, very passive aggressive.

What is your partners background like?

I think you need to feel you can raise dissatisfaction with him, it's not possible to never be irritable.He needs to learn how not to escalate rows.I would hope it's possible for you but suspect it may not happen.My dc is 10 and I wish I had left when he was younger as the break up will be harder on him as he's much more aware.

hermione2016 · 11/09/2016 10:10

Once I realised that my h was trying to 'train' me to not raise issues it makes the situation much clearer.You are being punished by him (for daring to be irritated with him) and your upset shows him it's hurting you but he doesn't care.

It's not you, he is likely to be like this with anyone that he is in a close relationship with.

Good that you are working..start to make a plan.I'm sorry for what you are going through as no one wants to end a relationship when you have children.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 11/09/2016 10:11

If he looks at you with disgust and contempt and pity when you are upset then there is really no hope for this relationship. You're making one another miserable. Don't drag it out.

toptoe · 11/09/2016 10:12

It's called stonewalling. It's a control tactic. He uses it because it controls you in a number of ways. First, it stops you being able to have any rational communication with him. That means he does not have to explain his verbal abuse or apologise. Secondly, it punishes you for asking him to stop verbally abusing you. Next time he's hoping you probably won't bother, because you don't want to be ignored for days. Thirdly, it makes you feel like you are shit and lowers your self esteem massively, thus making you much more compliant and likely to end up apologising to him just to end the stonewalling and get some normality back.

toptoe · 11/09/2016 10:14

Yes, the key to it all is understanding that someone who uses control tactics thinks in a different way and will use this in any intimate relationship he has. It is not something he can change. It is impossible to live with someone like this and not have your esteem seriously affected.

RobotLover68 · 11/09/2016 10:17

Things hadn't changed, the issues were still there - he drew you back in over the last 6 months but actually the real him was just dormant

I can't stand passive aggressive people who come out with " if i didnt know then he wasnt going to tell me" - fuck that shit - you're better than that - call his bluff and go without him. Then start planning your escape. seriously.

youarenotkiddingme · 11/09/2016 10:27

If taking a wrong exit on a roundabout causes this much drama then imagine what your life will be like if something actually serious happens?

You don't have to put up with this shit. I hate to say it but if he cared he'd be wanting to know why your crying, stop you crying and would discuss this with you.

Mix56 · 11/09/2016 10:30

Go, talk to your Mum, have a nice day, return when you want, do not go home because he calls, His PA is repulsive.
The silent treatment a classic trait of EA

SandyY2K · 11/09/2016 12:16

Do you want your child growing up to think this is okay?

You're in a better position than many ... you have a ft job. In the almost 20 years I've know my husband, he has never called me a bitch or sworn at me and we have argued in that time. Some very big arguments, even where divorce was mentioned. Never mind over a driving matter.

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