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Original poster

Can I overcome low self esteem and feeling jealous?

37 replies

user1465869811 · 09/09/2016 15:46

5'7, blonde, 45, long legs, always look smart, hair & makeup done...

Feel inferior to other women, unattractive. I look at other women and think they always look better.

Unfortunately my partner tends to stare at women when we are out, he doesn't realise he does it and we have talked about it..he is trying not to when he remembers, but I don't want to feel like I'm controlling him.

How do I overcome this? Ii feel really low

OP posts:
VenusRising · 09/09/2016 15:49

Change your partner. I think that's the root of your insecurity.

Flowers
TheLastRoseOfSummer · 09/09/2016 15:51

Yep, I agree.

I had a boyfriend who did this. I dumped him.

Original poster
user1465869811 · 09/09/2016 16:08

Change my partner? That's a bit drastic. We have a home and children, it's not like he's doing anything other than looking.

Many people have partners that do this, I think I need to overcome it and for him to understand how I feel. It's a hard discussion as it creates contentious feelings when he is unaware of how much he does it...and because I'm low, I'm looking for him to be doing it. It's awkward

OP posts:
adora1 · 09/09/2016 16:41

What a creep and embarrassment, he knows alright.

Candlefairy101 · 09/09/2016 16:45

I tend to only notice my partner doing it when I'm feeling down/insecure. But when I'm mid monthly cycle I don't see it at all in fact I only see him stare at me.

I'm not sure if when my self esteem is low I think he's looking but he's actually just lookin at a person I.e I look at people Ll the time that walk by unless you walk with your head down and I'm just seeing him stare at women but you can't not look at people , I'm not making any sense am I Blush

Original poster
user1465869811 · 09/09/2016 16:55

Some sense candlefairy. It's obvious when he does it and in my youth I wouldn't have minded so much, but I'm older, uglier and more sensitive.. can't say why, I don't know.

I feel like I want to say 'look at me', but at the end of the day he's just browsing and he comes home to me. We love each other dearly and it really is linked to my low self esteem. I'm not a jealous type usually

OP posts:
adora1 · 09/09/2016 16:59

Start staring at men when you are with him, he then might change his ways.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 09/09/2016 17:00

Well if you're not prepared to leave then this is what your life will be like.

Of course he knows he is doing it.

jeaux90 · 09/09/2016 17:21

I think it's perfectly natural to look at other people. Leaving him sounds over dramatic to me seeing at it sounds like a loving relationship. I love checking people out, people watching etc doesn't mean I fancy them. Work on your self esteem. Big hug xxx

adora1 · 09/09/2016 17:23

Her partner stares, that's not looking, that's a deliberate act and probably makes the poor women feel very uncomfortable.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 09/09/2016 17:26

To the point where you're gawping when you're with your partner and making them feel like shit?

Yes, everyone looks, but looking to that extent is disrespectful.

Vagabond · 09/09/2016 17:32

Hey user sweetie.... the first thing you told us about yourself is about your appearance.

5'7, blonde, long legs.

Again, I repeat that this is the first thing we know about you.

If this is how you see yourself, then this is how your partner sees you. Which is why he is eying up the competition.

Looks fade. What is it in your inside that your partner loves about you? And what is it that you love about yourself. Long legs only get you so far...

Also... I think it's ridiculous to say "find a new partner" over a guy looking at other girls.

mumofthemonsters808 · 09/09/2016 17:36

I hate creep men who do this when they are with their OH, I had some weirdo blatantly staring at me for the duration of my tram journey whilst he was with his WIfe.It made me very uncomfortable and I was embarassed for her. I can get my head around the odd glance, we can't all walk around with blinkers on, but once you start making people uncomfortable, it's gone past being normal behaviour. No wonder your self esteem is low, a man like this can make the most balanced, confident woman turn into the green eyed monster.

Ebony69 · 09/09/2016 17:42

I agree. Massive over reaction to advise OP to leave her DH. Insightful post by vagabond.

Original poster
user1465869811 · 09/09/2016 17:50

Vagabond, I'm having a 'thick, dunce day's can you explain what you mean by..

"If this is how you see yourself, then this is how your partner sees you. Which is why he is eying up the competition".

Looks do fade that's true, Christ I wish I was a man sometimes as self esteem is one of their best traits lol

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 09/09/2016 22:17

Vagabond is highlighting that you think the most important thing that tells us about you is what you look like.

You could have said "I've been married 10 years" or "We have 2 DC" or "I'm an accountant" but instead you focussed on what you look like.

Why do you think that is?

Original poster
user1465869811 · 09/09/2016 23:41

Ah, I get it now. Thank you.

I guess I think I look ok, but see him looking at other women as competition and threatening. He always tells me I am gorgeous, that he is very turned on by me, but he finds women of all types beautiful.

I'm trying not to be jealous, but I always pick holes in how I look, my self esteem and perception is low.

I could easily say I'm a strong, capable business woman who is educated, funny and incredibly caring, but I chose to pick on the way I look as I feel threatened and insecure when he looks at the ladies.. I always end up thinking'why isn't he looking at me?'

I find it quite rude. Yet I know it's a natural trait in some men (and women). I don't want to be controlling orinflating it as an issue.

Does that make any sense?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 10/09/2016 04:53

What's normal is looking, not staring.

I've never been fussed about my appearance nor seen make up and looking smart as important so I know it's not important to my DH otherwise he'd be with someone else.

Vagabond asked you what it is your DH loves about you?

Original poster
user1465869811 · 10/09/2016 16:07

He loves everything about me, my sense of humour, appearance, personality and how I look after him. I know he loves me, I just struggle with the staring thing, it makes me feel insecure and like he doesn't see me when we are out.. I feel a bit taken for granted.

It's my hangup as much as his. He doesn't mean to do it, but can't help it he automatically turns his head to any woman when driving or walking down the street. I have tried talking to him and he says he doesn't realise he's doing it, he apologised and said he'd try harder not to. It's not a habit I feel he can suppress. So how do I get my head round it?

OP posts:
TheLastRoseOfSummer · 10/09/2016 16:37

What's normal is looking, not staring

Exactly. I've never bothered about 'looking' (I do it too). The boyfriend I dumped 'gawped'/stared. It felt like I wasn't as important as the pretty girl he might miss looking at for a few seconds if he focused his attention on me and not every pretty young woman walking past.

I don't really understand why you're making excuses for him, tbh. He doesn't mean to do it? He can't help it?

I'm assuming he's a fully functioning adult with a job and everything? So he can control his impulses to a degree. Should he really be driving tbh if he's so easily distracted that he can't keep his eyes on the road if a woman walks past.

I still don't think you do need to get your head round it. He needs to stop it. If he can't, you deserve better. Other people, including you, might think that's extreme, but it's one of my deal breakers.

winkywinkola · 10/09/2016 16:40

Older doesn't mean uglier.

Your partner's behaviour is pretty ugly though.

HappyJanuary · 10/09/2016 16:44

OP, have you ever felt like this at other times in your life?

I suppose I'm wondering whether your lecherous DP is the root of your insecurity, or whether low self esteem makes you over-sensitive to normal glancing.

I ask because I have a friend who is hyper vigilant about her DH looking at other women when we are out, poor guy can't glance at a cashier or barmaid while paying without getting a telling off.

Original poster
user1465869811 · 10/09/2016 16:57

Yes I do have very low self esteem and I am aware of it (plus the tendency to exaggerate things in not keen on-line him looking at beauties), if it were a discreet glance i wouldn't mind so much, but it's often a bit more.. a look at the back and a turn to look at the front.

I'm not going to wreck my relationship over this as we both love each other dearly, but I can't pretend it doesn't hurt

OP posts:
TheLastRoseOfSummer · 10/09/2016 17:09

Well that's a choice you're making then and it isn't going to get any better.

He doesn't love you quite enough to stop making you feel like shit though, does he?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/09/2016 17:30

The exaggerated looking is downright rude to the woman being stared at.

You might have more success by calling him on that and doing it immediately it happens.

"Leave the poor woman alone" "Don't do that to her" "She doesn't need creepy lech looks" type comments, instead of making about your insecurity or whether it is normal for men to stare at women. Make it about the woman he is objectifying and victimising on the street.

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