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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend

26 replies

Toast3 · 09/09/2016 14:51

I have a friend. About year ago she went through a very messy divorce. Her husband had an affair and left her. She was devastated.
Since he left, she has confided in me about how he bullied her (verbally and physically) he was (still is) and absolute control freak.
They are going throgh the process of seperateing finances which has proved very difficult as they also run a business together... She is completely terrified of him and he does lots of little things to undermine and scare her...
They have a pending court case coming up - all very messy!
Anyway, she firmly believes that he is tapping her phone...
Does anyone have any experience, or know anything about how this is possible?
She has changed her passwords on her social media accounts and email etc but still he finds out things about her...I do agree with her it is all a bit too much to be a coincidence...

If he had somehow bugged her phone (an iPhone) all he would need would be her pin and he would have access to everything wouldn't he as all her open apps are in there?

How would he tap her phone though? Would he have to have actually physically have had hold of it?

Any wise words very welcome?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 09/09/2016 14:55

Just replace it just in case? New handset, network, number, passwords, Apple ID - everything. Don't back up from or to the cloud.

category12 · 09/09/2016 14:57

Can't she just change her phone? That's what I would do - change phone, change number, change email address and not use any shared devices. If she has to use shared devices for the business, only use them for business and never access private stuff from them.

That way she doesn't have the worry, whether it's real or misplaced.

RebelRogue · 09/09/2016 15:02

1.She needs to check any social media/email accounts etc are not in any way linked to him.
2.security questions/passwords need to be random things that he could not guess from living together for so long.
3.if she uses a laptop for all of these as well, it's possible he has put a key logger on it. So either erase everything,format the hardrive or buy a brand new one that he has no access to. Do not open any attachments that might come from him either.

Original poster
Toast3 · 09/09/2016 15:13

She is totally and utterly skint so a new phone isn't an option... She's changed her pin for her phone (at my suggestion) as it was her DOB...
She's not very IT savvy and has been so controlled by him, it's like she almost scared to upset him...
I've told her to stop communicating with everyone and download whatsapp as she hadn't used it before so he wouldn't necessarily know about it..
But, if he is somehow accessing her phone, he'll see it wont he?
How easy is it to bug an iPhone?

OP posts:
Original poster
Toast3 · 09/09/2016 15:14

Communicating with everyone on messenger that should read....

OP posts:
Lolloveswoody · 09/09/2016 15:25

She needs to check her apps list (in Settings, scroll down for a full list) for an app called Cydia. If it's there it means her phone is jailbroken which means he could have installed spyware on it. Get her to do that and come back to us if it's there, spyware can be removed but it's not always an easy job.

Original poster
Toast3 · 09/09/2016 15:30

Thanks so much...I'm seeing her tonight so I'll encourage her to do that!
👍🏽

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 09/09/2016 15:31

Not an iphone user so I can't help with the how but she should perform a factory reset. Which should get rid of any montoring apps which may have been running in the background.

HarmlessChap · 09/09/2016 15:34

Also it is unlikely that monitoring apps will show in the list of apps.

Original poster
Toast3 · 09/09/2016 15:34

Do you know if would have had to have actual physical access to her phone to install any spyware? Or could it be done remotely?

The police have been involved on a number of occasions, since the split, and I've been encouraging her to call 101 and discuss her concerns... It's really frustrating as she isn't good at taking action .

OP posts:
Lolloveswoody · 09/09/2016 15:59

No he would have had to have access to her phone, it can't be done remotely. And no Harmless, monitoring apps wouldn't show in the list but they can't be installed without jailbreaking the phone first, Cydia indicates the jailbreak not the spyware.

category12 · 09/09/2016 16:01

She doesn't need to buy a new phone - if it's a decent iPhone she could take it in to a CEX or whatnot, sell it and buy a cheapo handset or 2nd hand? If you or other friends/family have got an old handset around, she could go on a pay as you go or sim-only plan.

CodyKing · 09/09/2016 16:06

You can bug phones quite easy I think!

She needs to change anything she's using to message

If she uses DB any like will send the post to all the pikers friends - if he's one hell see it

FB you need to change the password or log on via a laptop and 'log out' of all devises

Or stop giving info out!

HereIAm20 · 09/09/2016 16:08

Has he guessed her passwords and just logs in as her from time to time like my friend does to her ex

Hotwaterbottle1 · 09/09/2016 20:08

I have another thread going that's very similar if you have a look. I found out my H had attached his phone to my iCloud account. Happy to talk you through checking when you are with her.

mummyto2monkeys · 09/09/2016 21:17

Does he have an iPad? Could he be logged into your friends apple I'd? My husband and I share an apple ID and any messages his phone gets or phone calls are also available to see on the iPAD. If he knows her passwords he may just have logged in copies of the apps she uses. She needs to use different passwords for every app and they need to be something her ex will not easily guess. I would also suggest that she has a look at her friends lists and on Facebook either deactivate her account, then block her ex and his friends from her new account. Or put joint friends on restricted access. I have a friend who had to have a serious clean out of her friends list as mutual friends were feeding info on her back to her abusive ex. If her ex is logged into her apple I'd he could be tracking her through find my iPad. She should check her apple account for other devices, eg my account shows my hubbies i phone, my iPad and our iPod.

I don't know much about phone tapping so can't help there but I remember my friend telling me about the trouble she had with her ex. I think the biggest problem was supposed joint friends reporting her every move and post from Facebook back to her ex.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 09/09/2016 21:19

There isn't a friend around who isn't really a friend who might be passing on info?

category12 · 09/09/2016 21:34

I think it's fairly common for misguided sucked-in friends to report back.

NotTheFordType · 09/09/2016 22:03

Get rid of Apple devices, far too easy to track activity.

She could advertise to swap for an Android phone on a local FB group, surely.

Original poster
Toast3 · 10/09/2016 08:35

Thanks for all your responses. I was with my friend last night and we did the following:
Created a new email account using her phone.

Used that email address to create an iCloud account - then backed up her phone - this took ages - so we had to drink a lot of wine whilst we waited!!

Reset (factory settings) her phone then we changed her email password.

She then changed her Facebook password to something he'd never guess and logged out of other devices. It turns out they used to share an iPad and although she has changed her Facebook password in the past she didn't log out of other devices.

She does have a laptop and he does still have access to the house. He's been in before when she's been out and rummaged through things. Moved things etc to freak her out.
I think it might be possible that he's put a keystroke logger on her laptop so I've told her not to use it until she gets it checked over. Her other friend has offered to take it into work for her where they have an IT support dept - someone there has offered to have a look at it for her.... Does anyone know if it is easy to detect...also, is it legal to do that to someone? She bought the laptop after he left her (as he took all the comp equip with him) which also had all her daughters coursework on, but that's another story! My point is, it belongs to her (not him)....
Thanks again. If anyone can suggest anything else it would be very welcome...

OP posts:
Original poster
Toast3 · 10/09/2016 09:06

Oh, we also 'unfriended' anyone that was a 'mutual' friend with him....

OP posts:
AnthonyPandy · 10/09/2016 09:15

What about buying a lockable box to keep computer equipment in when she leaves the house? Big enough so he can't take it out eg locking filing cabinet?

Original poster
Toast3 · 10/09/2016 09:33

Yep A box is a good plan....she hides stuff but I suspect he finds things pretty easily. Mind you, he'd probably just take the box if he felt like it....she literally has no money so couldn't afford a fixed safe..he has cut her out of the business too so its all very complicated!
They are heading towards a court case within the next few weeks so hopefully, she'll be able to take back some control, change the locks and create a secure environment for herself and their children....
It's a mess....and because she's so terrified of what he may be capable of she bury's her head in the sand and does nothing...it's like she's been groomed... It's really hard to watch

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 11/09/2016 13:59

I was with my friend last night and we did the following:
Created a new email account using her phone.

So if he had spyware on her phone he now has access to the new email and iCloud accounts and passwords you created.

Original poster
Toast3 · 11/09/2016 18:19

Well, maybe, but we did this before we did the factory reset on the phone. We then logged in to the email account and changed the password....
I thought someone has said, up thread, that a factory reset would sort it if it was being tapped...
I've told her to take her phone into the Vodafone shop and see if they can advise..

OP posts: