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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling unwanted

31 replies

user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 10:43

I walked in on my husband having a wank last night (we sleep in separate rooms).

Nothing too wrong with that, right? But the thing is that I have not felt wanted by him for a very long time. Whenever we have sex (not that often) it is always initiated by me. A few days ago I offered him a blowjob but he said no thank you - 'too much wanking'. I said no problem dear let me know when ;)

We have been married for nearly 10 years. I am (still) young, good looking. I want to feel desired. I don't have it in my life. Sometimes I wonder what single life would be like.

He doesn't come from intercourse either. It makes me feel even more undesirable.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 11:11

Bump :(

I could really do with talking to someone...Sad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2016 11:12

And you are still with him because?. How long have you felt so unwanted? Does he watch a lot of internet based porn?

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is keeping you within this at all?

Is this really what you want from a relationship because the next decade or so is likely to be more of the same from him. He seems as happy as Larry in all this and has you around to be both his housekeeper and maid. He does not care about your feelings at all.

jeaux90 · 09/09/2016 11:20

Can I ask, why do you sleep in separate rooms?

Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 11:21

Attila,

I am with him because... I don't know, i think I love him that's why... He is very caring, he loves me, looks after me and out for me. He is just as much of a home fairy as I am actually. We are very equal in our practical inputs.

I earn more than him though. I have a bigger chunk in our property. I don't really feel like he is my financial rock IYKWIM. It is a mixture of having my closest life partner and not wanting to go through the whole palaver of a divorce I guess.

If I lose him I will be very lonely. I don't really have friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 11:22

Jeaux90,

Because he snores :) and I am a very light sleeper. He is too actually

I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 09/09/2016 11:24

Ah ok just wondered if there was a precedent. One of the reasons why I love being a single parent, no snoring to put up with :) (apart from the 7 yo DD who snores like a chainsaw sometimes)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2016 11:27

"I am with him because... I don't know, i think I love him that's why... He is very caring, he loves me, looks after me and out for me"

How does he do this?. It seems from what you have written that the only person he really cares about is his own self.

You are not solely responsible for the way this relationship now is; he has to take some responsibility for it being the way it is as well. This is relationship beset with problems and you are also wondering what single life would be like. It would be different to what you have now but that is I would argue no bad thing at all.

Re your comment:-
"If I lose him I will be very lonely. I don't really have friends".
Your last sentence is very sad but I think you are lonely now. I have to ask though why that is the case. Has he tried to isolate you as well from the wider world including family and friends?

Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 11:27

Jeaux90

Haha I know what you mean! No it's always been like this.

We did go through therapy once and the therapist asked, so you never have a turn-over-middle-of-night quickie? We were both like HmmHmm

Yes, we did have therapy. Apparently it was all in vain. I don't want to have more. Futile.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2016 11:28

On another point if his snoring is that bad that you are sleeping in separate rooms as a result, then medical attention should be sought. Palate issues and sleep apnoea should be looked for.

Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 11:30

Attila,

I came from another country 15 years ago. My family and old friends are far. I did make a couple of friends in the beginning but then we drifted apart. I guess i am not a very friendly person. All the other friends I have are his circle.

He would not go to a doctor over that. He is a kind of 'this is who I am' guy.

OP posts:
adora1 · 09/09/2016 11:33

That is soul destroying and not what a healthy relationship is about; he's checked out of intimacy, you are basically sounding like house mates, you are right to expect more. Is he using porn, I think you need to stop offering him anything until he actually shows you he is interested in at least trying to make things better, it takes two.

Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 11:36

Yes he is using porn. I do too but when I want sex with a person I come to him. Funny tho, his preferred scenario has recently been me coming to him in the morning, raising him up and getting on top with a vibrator as help.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 12:21

We have always tried to work on the assumption that sex life can be different in any given couple, as long as both parteners are happy. But what I am longing for as a woman is just not satisfied. I want a man to bloody WANT to have sex with me.

He claims he is bored of our 'vanilla' sex. He would prefer experimenting. This hurts me. Before experimenting I would like to be satisfied in a normal way, you know what I mean.

OP posts:
adora1 · 09/09/2016 12:38

He's insulting OP, do you really want to continue to let him drag down your self esteem and you are right, if he doesn't want you, go find yourself a man that does and does not replace real intimacy with bloody porn!

Cheeky git, using porn and claiming to be bored!

And I know exactly what you mean.

Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 12:46

Adora1

I don't mind porn, guilty myself as charged... But I feel that I am being replaced by it.

He claims sometimes he is intimidated by me, fearing than I will not want etc. But he once let it slip saying 'but I thought you usually initiaite it' when I asked him why he doesn't, doesn't he want to have sex, why doesn't he come on to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 13:20

I am just reading some divorce-related threads at the moment and it is gut churning as to what one has to go through :(

OP posts:
adora1 · 09/09/2016 13:47

He's using porn instead of you, not right, and not acceptable.

I am sorry OP, but he's not interested that's why, give up.

Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 13:57

Adora1

You said you know what I mean, have you been in a similar situation? What did you do?

I am seriously considering a consultation with a solicitor. At least once I know where I stand should we divorce I will better know what I want to do.

OP posts:
adora1 · 09/09/2016 14:00

You just want what we all want, to be desired and loved, it's not hard.

RedMapleLeaf · 09/09/2016 14:02

There is no harm in collecting information. Knowledge is power, and you don't have to act on anything the solicitor tells you.

I am just reading some divorce-related threads at the moment and it is gut churning as to what one has to go through

Are you familiar with the "stages of change" theory?

Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 14:09

RedMapleLeaf

Not really but I think I know what you're talking about.

Adora,

I am loved. I am not desired.

OP posts:
helenatroy · 09/09/2016 14:14

I know you say the sleeping apart is a practical thing but perhaps give sharing a bed another try. There are things you can do about snoring. Perhaps in both your cases you feel isolated from each other. Cook a nice dinner, open a bottle of wine and suggest it.. All men wank if you ask me, probably less when we're around.

ilivehappilyeverafter · 09/09/2016 14:46

This resonates so much with me. My ex was like this, he blamed being a late starter in life. I found out nearly 4 years in just how bad the porn habit was. I had put my foot down on it being used in the bedroom quite early on, thought that was the end of it...he kept pushing for me to dress up in a certain costume..turns out thats what was used in his favourite porn movie. It's soul destroying, you end up feeling like a piece of meat just being used for him to act out porn fantasies and getting exactly zero out of it. Walk away now before it destroys you any more x.

Original poster
user1473410376 · 09/09/2016 14:51

Ilivehappilyeverafter

Yes! Your words hit the nail on the head. I would get nothing out of it. M

Why would i want to dress up if I am not wanted as I am to start with? Even stockings and suspenders - as lovely as they are they don't turn me on. Because deep down I know that I don't turn him on the way I am.

A much younger than him, attractive, sex loving, I.

OP posts:
ilivehappilyeverafter · 09/09/2016 14:52

I should also say, he couln't climax from intercourse either, had to wait until he was ready so no quickies, sometimes I gave up waiting it took so long. He still to this day does not think he has a porn habit.