Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't a compliment is it?!

38 replies

MalodyandJim · 08/09/2016 06:53

On a date at the weekend.

Him: You look really good darling, I wouldn't usually go for women like you

Me: um....ok

Him: No no it's a compliment, I usually go for women with big boobs and big bums, I love a big bum

Me: yeah that's actually quite rude

Him: no it's a compliment because I really fancy you and you're not my usual type at all

I should mention here that I am rake thin and totally flat chested

It's a major back handed compliment isn't it? Or actually not even a compliment! I think the fact it made me feel like shit tells me everything I need to know.

What do you think? Cack handed compliment or purposeful 'negging'?

OP posts:
JedRambosteen · 08/09/2016 06:57

I think you called it right with your "rude" comeback. He can think it, but he shouldn't say it. It has the feel of "you'll do (for me to stick my dick in)" rather than a compliment. There isn't going to be a second date, is there?

Thefitfatty · 08/09/2016 07:00

Is he normally the type of person to stick his foot way way up his arse?

Because if he's normally the type of person to say really stupid things without meaning it, than it might just be a badly worded compliment.

If he isn't, it's negging. Run.

Original poster
MalodyandJim · 08/09/2016 07:08

I think he was negging TBH.

I fancy you but just want you to know I wouldn't usually fancy you and would prefer someone with these specific body parts Hmm

My mate thinks I'm being touchy and it wasn't meant that way

OP posts:
softboiledeggs · 08/09/2016 07:16

Just had to Google what negging means ... I'd say yes he was negging and good old fashioned rude Confused

TheSparrowhawk · 08/09/2016 07:18

Whether it was begging or not, it says a lot about how he thinks. He reckons you should be pleased that you don't meet his physical criteria but he still fancies you. Plus he sees women in terms of body parts that he has a right to comment on and evaluate so he can inform them of their suitability.

He's an arsewipe.

TheSparrowhawk · 08/09/2016 07:19

negging or not

strongandlong · 08/09/2016 07:23

Yuck. Sparrow is right: "he sees women in terms of body parts that he has a right to comment on and evaluate so he can inform them of their suitability".

I hope you've dumped him?

Tearsoffrustration · 08/09/2016 07:26

If a man said to me 'I would usually go for women like you .. I usually go for thin women - with a flat chest - I just love a flat chest' - well, that's never going to be me ... Next!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 08/09/2016 07:33

Your reply should be
"Well, I wouldn't usually fancy rude men like you. So I don't. Bye!"

Thissameearth · 08/09/2016 07:34

Agree on negging. Even without that bit, he sounds like a general arrogant loser anyway: don't talk about your "type" on a date, don't assume anyone will be complimented by you fancying them. And did he actually call you darling? Boak. Delete. I hope you also said oh? you're not my usual type at all either, I like attractive, intelligent types, and thought something different would be nice but nope, nothing doing Grin

LumpySpacedPrincess · 08/09/2016 07:36

But he fancies you, you should be leaping round him like a little puppy...good girl...good girl...

Or you could tell him to fuck off.

DoreenLethal · 08/09/2016 07:38

No no it's a compliment, I usually go for women with big boobs and big bums, I love a big bum

'Thank you for your lovely compliment at the weekend. It made me think and I realised I actually prefer men with bigger senses of humour, cocks and brains, so it is really not worth pursuing this relationship.'

BadRespawn · 08/09/2016 07:41

What possesses some blokes to think that such a tactic would be a winning strategy? Even if I'm being charitable and assuming it wasn't just some underhanded psychological gamesmanship, how did he think that that spiel would end well, or that you would appreciate his insight? Hmm

cdtaylornats · 08/09/2016 07:51

What he is saying is he likes you for your personality and isn't for once just working to type.

PeaceOfWildThings · 08/09/2016 07:55

Whatever his intentions, he wasn't prepared to listen to how you heard what he'd sais, and change his way of thinking, his way of looking at you, his way of speaking to you. Can't see a future in it.

It could have been a clumsy compliment and there are plenty of women who would take it that way, but they are not you!

PeaceOfWildThings · 08/09/2016 07:56

Doreen Grin

ViolettaValery · 08/09/2016 07:58

Yes I also think either outright negging or entitled/twatty. This was an early date, I take it? If it was a single moment of dickishness from someone you generally know well to be lovely, I guess you wouldn't be posting. It's lucky they flag themselves up like this!

Also your friend is basically sucked into "women should be grateful for anything" conditioning. Luckily she has a friend like you, I'm sure you'd call it right if someone said something off to her!

ApocalypseSlough · 08/09/2016 07:59

Please tell me you're not dating him. He was negging you and your friend sounds desperate.

Fanjolena · 08/09/2016 08:03

He sounds like a total cuntbiscuit. What is negging please?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 08/09/2016 08:07

"Ahh, see, that's the difference between you and me. You're rude and inconsistent, whereas my 'type' has never included assholes, and I'm not about to start now. Buh-bye."

MoosLikeJagger · 08/09/2016 08:09

Deliberate or accidental, I wouldn't give him the chance to come out with any more of that shit.

Definitely not a compliment, unless you see yourself as so desperate for male attention that you're grateful that he spends time with you even though he tells you prefers different arses to yours, because that's how he decides what he thinks of women, and he thinks you should be grateful to be told this, especially as your arse is, to his mind, sub-optimal.

If this is him on his best behaviour, imagine him on a bad day.

Has your friend had a long history of dating exclusively lovely people?

BabyGanoush · 08/09/2016 08:11

Tell him you usually like taller, more muscly men, than him. But that despite him being a bit weedy, weirdly, you still fancy him....a tiny bit, sort of...if you close your eyes...and happen to feel desperate.

But it is a compliment, really! Wink

SandyY2K · 08/09/2016 08:11

I'm hoping that was your last date with the prize prat.

MoosLikeJagger · 08/09/2016 08:14

Fanjo Negging is the Pick Up Artist (PUA) tactic of insulting a woman the PUA wishes to fuck, with the aim of shattering her self-esteem/confidence/self-respect to the point where the woman will have actually sex with the PUA.

Yes, really. I couldn't believe it either. But at least it explained the bloke who'd told me at random that my nose was too big, then looked surprised when I told him to fuck off. (it was a very classy bar)

Trills · 08/09/2016 08:14

Would you be interested in a man who said things like "I usually go women with big boobs and big bums" if that did describe you?

He doesn't sound terribly interesting.

It wouldn't be important to me whether it was a compliment or an insult because I wouldn't fancy him.