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Original poster

Sex drive

34 replies

Whatisit76 · 06/09/2016 14:42

What does a high sex drive feel like?

My dp says he has a really high sex drive but I just don't get it as clearly I don't. He can get irritable if he doesn't have regular sex and says he can't help it!

I never have a strong urge to have sex. I have to be completely in the mood and that means the build up needs a bit of effort. I have never had the urge to just jump on someone without a bit of build up.

Does it feel different as I am trying to understand how he feels when I don't want to. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't push it but will always have a go and would do it 2 times a day if I was in the mood.

To be honest once every couple of weeks would do me. I have never put sex at the top of my priority list. It's not that I don't enjoy it, I do but just don't feel a need to do it all of the time!

I have had spells where I have gone over a year without when single and it hasn't overly bothered me.

I can see it coming between us if this mismatch continues.

Is it hard to live with when you have a high sex drive and your partner doesn't?

OP posts:
MephistophelesApprentice · 06/09/2016 14:51

Is it hard to live with when you have a high sex drive and your partner doesn't?

Yup.

For me, a high sex drive could really be called an overwhelming attraction to my partner - all the things that give me a warmth in the heart also gives me a hunger a bit lower (no, lower than that, that's my stomach). When she says she doesn't feel like it, I accept it intellectually and of course never push it, but it feels like she's rejecting my love, almost a part of myself and, in a way, the fundamental intimacy of our relationship. I know she doesn't feel the same way on a visceral level (though after a lot of communication she does understand it intellectually), and therefore has no way of feeling how much it hurts - but even now, with my libido burning away with age, it still really hurts emotionally.

user1471443066 · 06/09/2016 14:54

Yes, it is really hard to live with. If you feel like having sex, you are both there available to engage, both like and love and fancy each other. Both can please each other.....so yes it is really hard if all the raw materials are there.....and there is no barrier to doing something pleasurable for you both.....other than one person wants it more than the other.

I think it is very hard when I have experienced mismatched libidos.

It feels like, being outside and really wanting to run and run and run....but not being able to do it...because maybe society/your partner might look at you like you are little mad if you just took flight sprinting off while the norm is to go for a stroll.

I would quite happily have sex 2 plus times a day (right now...have experienced low libido before). I much prefer life with a high sex drive, it's exciting (but can get frustrating too).

user1471443066 · 06/09/2016 14:59

P.S. I think the pill messes up your sex drive, so if you are on the pill you could consider your choices. He might be prepared to get the snip to enable you to live a fake hormone free life, it might change your sex drive so that your combined sex drives are more closely matched. (if that is something you want).

Original poster
Whatisit76 · 06/09/2016 16:11

Thanks for your replies. I'm not so can't stop that. I just have never been that way inclined. I assume mine must be pretty low! Does it make you irritable as he can get a bit huffy at times.

OP posts:
user1471443066 · 06/09/2016 16:30

Yes...honestly it would make me irritable.

I find sex so enjoyable and also it almost feels like smoking a joint or something, it can be very, very relaxing. It would upset me if my partner did not want to regularly engage in sex with me.

It might be akin to a partner putting me on a food diet.....I would feel resentful. (mind wandering...trying to imagine an equivalent)

It's a relationship deal breaker for me. Have to have pretty well matched libidos, maybe not identical, but on the same page.

TheNaze73 · 06/09/2016 16:32

Canvassed both male & female opinions and both seem to express its like an itch that needs scratching. A total mismatch in drives must be horrific in a relationship for both parties concerned.

Hellothereitsme · 06/09/2016 16:36

I'm like you Op. Love it when it happens but don't think about it all the time. As I don't live with my boyfriend I don't get pestered so works for us.

Original poster
Whatisit76 · 06/09/2016 16:49

Maybe it should be on the dating profiles....

It's definitely becoming an issue. I can sense it.

OP posts:
adora1 · 06/09/2016 16:55

Huffy? Not good, you should not be pressured into having sex no matter what his sex drive is, you are not there to serve him sex on a plate, nothing more off putting anyway than a partner going in a huff like a child.

He has a hand no?

Branleuse · 06/09/2016 17:04

having a big mismatch in sex drives is horrible. If its temporary then thats one thing, but if it goes on any length of time then I think theres a fundamental incompatibility

roarfeckingroar · 06/09/2016 17:12

I recently left my partner who I love very much because of our mismatched sex drives. He didn't 'get' the need, overwhelming desire that I feel so regularly.

I once asked him whether he had ever had that urge to throw everything on the floor and tear the clothes off someone he was with and he looked at me a bit blankly and said that while he enjoys it when it happens, he has never felt like that.

Can you relate to that OP?

roarfeckingroar · 06/09/2016 17:16

Adora - I entirely agree that no one should feel pressured. It got to the point I worried I was getting so frustrated with the lack of paid on and regular intimacy that I was going to be unreasonable and grumpy so after much talking I ended it for both our goods. HOWEVER it really annoys me when people imply that touching yourself is the answer - sexual release is a part of it but more important is the feeling of being wanted, the closeness, intimacy, excitement of the person you love and want most feeling the same and the shared secret you both know when you go out and sometimes leave early just so you can rush home and have sex.

I couldn't live a life without that so I chose not to.

roarfeckingroar · 06/09/2016 17:17

Paid on = passion

adora1 · 06/09/2016 17:20

I feel lucky then, I don't have the need to have intimacy, closeness and excitement twice a week; I still feel very much loved without sex being involved and have what I would class as a normal sex drive.

No way will I ever think that it's alright to go in a huff with another person for not feeling the same as me, that's just ridiculous and childish, it's also not a good indicator for me of the person being considerate, you don't NEED sex, you might want it but it's not a need, I don't think.

TheNaze73 · 06/09/2016 17:24

It's always been an issue OP, just more talked about & in the open these days. It's how it's addressed that's important. It would be a deal clincher for a lot of people however shouldn't be used to manipulate people with the threat of affairs or like that poor pregnant woman I was reading about on here, who was almost being coerced

roarfeckingroar · 06/09/2016 17:24

No one needs sex. No one should pressure anyone into sex. The OP asked what it felt like and I meant it in the sense of "you need to do it right now" - with a mutually engaged partner - not as in a human need

roarfeckingroar · 06/09/2016 17:25

See I would say twice a week is not a lot.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 06/09/2016 17:31

I left a partner due to mismatched libido. It's very rejecting and can really impact hour self esteem over time. Mine wasn't especially high - once a week would have been fine (more would have been great, of course). But once every few months was not enough for me (and then it stopped completely).

TheNaze73 · 06/09/2016 17:32

I agree roar but, I suppose it's down to preference. Wanting sex twice a week in my eyes would equate to a low to average drive however to someone else, that might mean a high drive, which I suppose is the crux of the issue. I had to ask my partner to compromise as they wanted sex 6-7 times a week whereas naturally for me I felt 3-4 times a week was right for me. This is where there is no normal as I assumed my drive was in the middle, whereas in the past I've been told it was high. Different strokes for different folks & that's not a euphemism Wink

adora1 · 06/09/2016 17:32

I've been having sex with the same man for 14 years, we are once a week now which for us is fine so I think twice a week is perfectly ok, it's not as though she is refusing him but I think his sexual expectations are above the average.

GHT379854 · 06/09/2016 17:33

Roar- I can relate to that because I can categorically say that I never feel like that! Maybe I just haven't met the right person. I assume it's possible to have a rampant sex drive with one person and not with another if the chemistry is there or so those with high sex drives feel like this with everyone they have been with/are with?

roarfeckingroar · 06/09/2016 19:01

Not everyone, only actually a few. That's what hurt the most in my last relationship really - it was so high because it was him and while he appeared to have at least an average sex drive of a couple of times a week at first that dwindled to once a week then once a fortnight and the rejection hurt, my confidence drained, I realised it wouldn't get better so I left. We are now great friends though.

Sorry I didn't mean to hijack. I stand by that it's never ok to pressure, guilt trip or sulk, it's just I understand how awful it can feel to be rejected when your desire is fuelled by that specific person and the love and attraction you have towards them rather than wanting a quick shag where anyone would do.

rhodes2015 · 06/09/2016 21:18

Sex with my husband has dwindled to once a month, it has been longer at times though!
I feel very rejected.
I'm 31, keep fit and take care in my appearance but he really doesn't seem to fancy me. He insists he does, is very cuddly and affectionate in other ways, always telling me he loves me, we get on really well and spend lots of time together alone.
I just feel so sad that I'm never going to have passionate sex again!! Never feel wanted.
I have come off the pill (which has made mismatched sex drive even worse) so we can ttc but we barely ever have sex and no effort from him to try to have more sex for more chance of getting pregnant.
I never pester but he does know I'm frustrated. I think I'm just going to stop trying.

Justaboy · 07/09/2016 20:28

FWIW many years ago i suppose i was rather rampant when younger and fortunately managed to be with partners that were much the same way so all well n good:)

In more recent times mine has been much higher than hers it was good but dwindled, seems as if she didn't have any need post children. Many was the evening that I lied in bed awaiting her and I just wanted to give her a good time as well as for myself this wasn't just a quick wam-bam more like a good hour or more even.

But something on that damn TV was far more important:-(

So yes it is a problem it's a pity when it happens.

Tippytoes13 · 07/09/2016 21:07

I can see it being a potential problem. I have marital problems at the moment with my husband, so we aren't having sex at the moment and to be honest it's killing me (I keep thinking about having sex, all bloody day). I'd say he has a higher sex drive than me now, but pre-children myn was higher, it was having children which slightly killed my sex drive, but I do feel that if you both really want it, you will find time to make it happen more often. Once we decide what we both want in our marriage, then I hope if things continue, we will start doing the deed more.