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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ds's father

46 replies

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 15:12

I have got a ten year old son, I had a one night stand 10 years ago when I was 18 on holiday in Majorca. I kept the baby and he is the best thing that's ever happened to me. My son's dad has been in contact over the years only a few phone calls but I'm not sure what to do. He seems a nice person but I'm not sure what to do, he's from spain and is asking to come and visit. he has said he wants us to be together, I just wanted some advice as I don't know what to do

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 04/09/2016 15:20

It would be lovely for your DS to meet his Dad and maybe it could be the start of a father-son relationship.

What it should not mean is that you should feel obliged to become an item with the father. What you did back then - the ONS - was back then. Fine if you feel you'd like to start dating him, but please separate the two situations, so that you are in the driving seat.

You can say yes to one relationship, supporting your DS in getting to know his DF, and say no to the relationship with his DF.

If I were you, take it one step at a time and if you start to feel pushed into a corner at any stage, just tell him you are already in a committed relationship already.

daisychain01 · 04/09/2016 15:21

Oops I repeated already 😀

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 15:28

Thanks for your advice, I'm really happy for my son and he seems a nice person but I'm worried as he's already saying he loves me and wants to get married

OP posts:

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 15:30

I'm thinking is it because he thinks I've got more money and its better for him if he goes to England? He's asked me about my work and if it's going well.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2016 15:31

Look, anyone who says he wants to marry you like that is crazy.

Do you think your child would benefit from meeting his father?

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2016 15:32

I assume he doesn't pay child support?

Desmondo2016 · 04/09/2016 15:37

Big warning signs. How on earth can he know he wants to marry you! He needs to come over, meet his son in your company (or a third party your son trusts) a few times, then when you and your son are ready start their relationship independent of anything else. This all takes time. Probably 2 years or more of commitment from him tiwards his son with absolutely NO talk of anything between you two could even begin to form a relationship of you even decide you fancy him. And remember the man that first comes over will not be the genuine article. He'll be a much more perfect, effort making, uber amazing specimen to try and woo you. You need to wait until all that has passed and you've seen him when the chips are down a few times. I suspect if he thought there was no chance with you his desire to be the great dad may wane slightly.

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 15:38

He hasn't payed anything at all, my son is really happy, he likes talking to him on the phone. I think he would be happy to see him. I would like a partner and I feel like this might be my only chance. I'm worried about the culture differences also

OP posts:

sixinabed · 04/09/2016 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sixinabed · 04/09/2016 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kr1stina · 04/09/2016 15:42

So he has shown no interest in his son nor has he paid any child support or 10 years ???

It's hard to imagine how his sudden interest in you both can be genuine .

What do your friends and family say ?

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 15:48

He has phoned a few times and I've sent him photos of my son such as birthdays and like when my son has had his birthday party and certificates from school and football. I haven't got any family around but haven't asked my friends yet

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2016 15:52

Many many red flags here re his behaviours here Saturday. The man is a deadbeat man to you and an absent father to his child. I would ignore him because no good will come of this. The man's already told you he loves you and wants to get married. What sort of man does this?. You do not know him at all.

If you want a partner you need to look elsewhere, do not let your own loneliness lead the way here. You are going to have to raise your own relationship bar a lot higher than it currently seems to be. Also a few phone calls to your son has not really cut the mustard either has it, what has he been doing all this time?. If he had been really wanting to make good with you and his child he would have made far more of an effort all round.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2016 15:52

May I ask where your own family are?.

Finola1step · 04/09/2016 15:55

Sorry to be hard but this is crazy. He is leading you up the garden path and then some. He sees you as a decent meal ticket. He didn't love you 10 years ago and doesn't love you now.

Does he have a job in Spain or is he on his uppers. Is he a Spanish national with an EU passport?

Tell him that as your son's father, he is welcome to be in contact with his son. That there is no chance of a relationship with you. See what he does.

Actions are important not words. Judge him by what he has done over the past 10 years and not what he says now.

ImperialBlether · 04/09/2016 15:58

Has he said, "How are you managing for money? I need to give you some money to help you look after him?"

No, he's asked how much you earn so that he can have something off you!

Of course this isn't your only chance to get a man - honestly, that is so melodramatic.

How did you keep in touch with a one night stand anyway?

Cherrysoup · 04/09/2016 16:09

Guy sounds like a mad thing! Is he actually Spanish, as there are millions of North African immigrants, concentrated round the south of Spain. From personal experience (I lived there), some of them would be very keen to come to England. If he's Spanish, passports and citizenship via marriage would be easier now rather than later.

I think it's crazy that he's saying he wants to marry you. I'm guessing you haven't met up since the ONS? Do you look the same, does he?

Please be incredibly wary, Op, this all sounds very odd. If he's never paid a penny, I think he can go whistle. Please don't pay for him to come and see you: that would be a massive red flag for me if he can't even fork out for a plane ticket and wants you to.

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 16:54

Thanks for everyone's replies. Hes asked to stay at my house for a week. I have to protect my son and be very careful. I think I wouldn't want him to visit but I don't want to stop my son knowing his dad. I will ask if he can stay in a hotel as if he stayed at my hour it would be confusing to my son that his dad who he hasn't met before is now staying at his home.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 04/09/2016 16:58

How much do you actually know about this man?

ddrmum · 04/09/2016 17:02

Would you invite someone off the street to stay in your home with your DS? You don't know this man at all, why would you want him staying in your home? If he was that interested in his DS, he would've made an effort to get to know him a long time ago - 10yrs is a long time to decide to get involved. As for marriage?? Run for them there hills

Kr1stina · 04/09/2016 17:04

ask him how he's going to pay 10 years of child support . That will show you how genuine he is

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 17:07

No I know it's such a risk and my job is to make sure my child is not put at any risk and protected. I have only spoke to him on the phone, I know he's got a job and he has a Facebook page. He has two other children also.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 04/09/2016 17:10

Don't let him come and visit. What happens when he meets your son, brings him gifts, says he wants to know him then buggers off back to Spain, never to be seen for the next 10 years ?

Then contacts your son saying " get your mum to bring you over here " .

He needs to prove to YOU that's he's a reformed character before you let him anywhere near your son

What if he's a paedophile or a conman ? What if he's a criminal on the run from the police? What if he's violent or abusve ?

You know nothing about him and you are going to let him near your son ???!!!

Haffdonga · 04/09/2016 17:13

Two totally separate issues here. 1. Your ds and his dad. 2. You and him.

If it you hadn't had a dc with this man would you have any interest in meeting some random holiday fling from ten years ago, let alone marrying him? .

But it may be good for your ds to meet his father on a very carefully controlled step by step supervised basis. There is absolutely no way that this man should move in or stay with you in the UK. That is not safe or sensible for you or your ds. If you think a meeting would be good for your ds, you can get an Easyjet flight to Spain for £30. Why not take your ds there on holiday and meet up with your ds's father in Spain for a coffee and take it slowly from there.

DoreenLethal · 04/09/2016 17:16

This man is a complete stranger. Would you let another complete stranger stay and have unadulterated access to your son?

He has to start earning this. First step - paying maintenance, regularly. Then perhaps think about him meeting his son.

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