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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ds's father

46 replies

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 15:12

I have got a ten year old son, I had a one night stand 10 years ago when I was 18 on holiday in Majorca. I kept the baby and he is the best thing that's ever happened to me. My son's dad has been in contact over the years only a few phone calls but I'm not sure what to do. He seems a nice person but I'm not sure what to do, he's from spain and is asking to come and visit. he has said he wants us to be together, I just wanted some advice as I don't know what to do

OP posts:

popthisoneout · 04/09/2016 17:16

You sound very vulnerable Op. Don't get sucked into this situation, it sounds weird and not in either yours or your sins best interest at all.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2016 17:17

Are you fucking crazy ? You know nothing about this man. He has a FB page, isn't firing blanks and can talk on the phone. That's it.

Why has he waited 10 years to do this ? Why has he offered no monetary support in raising his son ?

Run

Desmondo2016 · 04/09/2016 17:19

OK I've 're read everything and am going to be blunter this time.

You're being a mug. How can you possibly be considering a relationship with someone you don't know.

He's got no interest in being a good dad, he needs a meal ticket or he needs to escape Spain. He needs to set himself up in the UK completely independently of you, if that's what He wants to do. Please please open your eyes.

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 18:02

I don't have anyone to ask in rl so I wanted to ask what people thought here first. I think it's the guilt of wanting my son to have a dad and be like a normal family but he is a stranger and I wouldn't let a stranger anywhere near my son normally so I can't do that now. Thanks for everyone's help

OP posts:

Desmondo2016 · 04/09/2016 18:05

Keep us posted!

Cherrysoup · 04/09/2016 18:21

Keep repeating that to yourself, he is a total stranger and you wouldn't let a stranger stay in your house. Do not let him stay with you! You have no idea if he has a criminal record, what he's like. So dangerous.

SharonfromEON · 04/09/2016 18:28

Glad you are seeing sense...

I have a 9 year old and have done it on my own..At this age I have started thinking about my life as I have had very little life for years.work, look after my DS..

As he is 10 he is approaching more and more independence.. I wonder if you are starting to wonder about you..

This man has made the odd phonecall in ten years...

The sudden urge to meet his child after 10 years, marry you are all red Flags to me..

ForalltheSaints · 04/09/2016 20:16

Whilst your son should be able to meet him at some point, even if it is not until he is aged 18, any contact beforehand should be on your terms and the idea of going to Spain to meet at some point seems the best idea. There are the other two children to think about, who if living with or near him should not be abandoned.

Kr1stina · 04/09/2016 20:20

You ARE a normal family . Loads of families have only one parent and they do just fine .

My 10yo sons best friend is just like your son - just him and his mum and never sees or even mentioned his dad. I don't know the story and woudl never dream of asking because it's none of my business. He's a lovely lovely boy and I'm sure your son is too.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and there's nothing wrong with yours.

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 20:50

I asked him if he would be willing to pay child maintenance, he said his work doesn't pay a lot but he's willing to pay for my son to have his last name. It seems important to him that he has his last name. I want to keep his last name as my last name. He said he is would pay so he can come and see me and talk about everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 20:52

He was married he said but is now separated. I know he would be willing to leave his other children.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 04/09/2016 21:01

Are your serious ? He is going to pay 10 years worth of child maintenance and you are going to change your sons name to his???

And you think a man who abandoned one of his children for 10 years and now wants to abandoned the others is a good catch ?

Are you on glue ?

Original poster

Saturday2122 · 04/09/2016 21:07

No I said I didn't want to change his name I wouldn't do that. I meant start to pay now in future, not for the past 10 years. I agree it's terrible to leave his other children. I don't think he's a good catch I agree with what everyone's said about the situation.

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 04/09/2016 21:12

Really, Saturday, give your head a wobble. You've asked what to do and Everyone on here is saying don't even go there so what is it that's going to make you see sense?

Are you really contemplating letting this stranger pay to have his son's name changed to his?

Just tell him to piss off and if your son wants to meet his dad he can fly to Spain when he's a grown man and 6ft tall and can look that man in the whites of his eyes and not take any shit from him.

Until then just move forward and stop answering his phone calls!

daisychain01 · 04/09/2016 21:13

Glad you can see the reality now.

SharonfromEON · 04/09/2016 21:14

I know he would be willing to leave his other children. So he is happy to abandon all 3 of his children.. wouldn't come with in a mile of mine..

I read it he won't pay to support his child but will to change his name

so he has money for flights, hotels but not to pay maintenance..

I am failing to see any part of this that makes it a positive option for either of you.

If he is low paid in spain, I doubt he is going to be able to support himself here never mind his DS.

ImperialBlether · 05/09/2016 12:49

So all he's willing to pay for is for your son to have his name? When your son doesn't even know him? Is he kidding?

Ackeeandsaltfish · 05/09/2016 12:56

...10 years later he wants to become a cocklodger!!

Not exactly a prince is he!

sykadelic · 05/09/2016 15:26

I believe I read a similar thread where the international, not in the UK legally, bio dad wanted his name on the birth certificate and the kid to have his last name... except he was honest and admitted that it would help him stay in the UK (family rights or something like that).

Honestly, you can't even be sure at this time that the man you're talking to actually is the same person who fathered your son! So hell to the no.

He SHOULD be building up to a physical visit with things like skype. If he visits he should stay in a hotel and all visits should be supervised at first (because he's a stranger).

I'd be willing to bet the "my job doesn't pay much" when you asked about child support will soon go to "if you helped me move to the UK I'd earn more money and be able to pay all the back child support and I'll give you [large sum] as a thank you".

it's interesting that his job doesn't pay enough to pay child support but DOES pay enough for him to visit the UK and stay for however long it is he's proposing to stay...

Love and marriage declarations when your relationship with him hasn't progressed AT ALL from the original ONS TEN years ago... classic online dating scam angle. DO NOT DO THIS

Haffdonga · 05/09/2016 17:42

Saturday I'm so glad you are not falling for this. It really doesn't sound good. In fact you've said a few things that make you sound quite vulnerable so I'm a bit worried about you. (You said you didn't have anyone to talk to and you also said I would like a partner and this may be my only chance.)

It must seem tempting to be able to create a ready-made family for your ds with his dad but there are so many warning signs all over this I think you know deep down how seriously wrong it would be.

Red flags include:
He is suddenly interested in you just when his marriage has broken up. (Or is he interested in a free house and new start in the UK?).
He says he loves you. (This is a lie. He doesn't know you. He can't love you. So why is he telling you this?)
He has never ever paid a penny for his son. (Why will he start now? He won't).
He is planning to abandon his 3 other children. (Decent fathers don't do this. Will he be using your money to send to his other dcs?)
He wants to come to the UK. (So he wont be able to do the job he has apparently got in Spain then will he?)
He wants to stay in your house. (So he has no money and is not going to give you any. Plus he is going to manipulate you into letting him stay longer.)
He's asking you about your job and if it's going well. (He's trying to suss out whether you are a good meal ticket. As you said he thinks I've got more money )

Again, if you want your ds to get to know his dad, why not go on holiday to Spain and meet up with him there? If this man travels to meet you and makes an effort to get to know his son then he might be worth keeping in touch with. That's all.

PepsiPenguin · 05/09/2016 17:52

So many alarm bells going off here, I actually feel quite nervous on your behalf, in that I'm worried your do something stupid like this man into your life - because this would be very very stupid.

PP have said it all really, he doesn't know you but wants to marry you, will only give money to change the child's name not to do something important like support the child.

Personally I think you need to put on your trainers and RUN! do not let this stranger into your home.

Personally, I will be very surprised if he actually has an interest in your child. I know that will be hard for you to fathom as his mother you want his dad to be interested but I really don't think he will be - I think he is looking for a way into the UK and a free meal ticket.

Run run run.

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