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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone ever got back with xh down the line?

29 replies

wantingahappyending · 30/08/2016 13:25

Hi, I've recently split with my husband of eighteen years as we have grown apart. I knew he was becoming detached but couldn't seem to bring him back. We have three young children together. He says he's not in love with me anymore and we are getting a divorce. I just feel like we are meant to be together and while I know it's probably never going to happen and right now I wouldn't have him back, have things ever changed for anyone and youve found yourselves falling back in love?

OP posts:
Original poster
wantingahappyending · 30/08/2016 17:20

That'll be a no then...

OP posts:
0dfod · 30/08/2016 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorthernQuarter · 30/08/2016 17:33

I wasn't married to my partner, but he did attempt to come back after 6 months and then 12 months. But by that point I had found I was happier without him.

Is there an OW?

Are you maybe more fearful of the unknown (being alone) and the thought of getting back together down the line is comforting to you?

I think reconciling after a divorce is a big ask of children, who will have had to deal with the upheaval of the split only to have their world spun round again.

I don't think it works in most cases I'm afraid, as the reasons for the split will still exist.

Resilience16 · 30/08/2016 17:40

With any relationship, if you split fir a reason and then get back together without doing some hard work to address the reason you originally split then you can pretty much guarantee it will rear it's ugly head again a bit further down the line.

QueenofFatAsses · 30/08/2016 17:49

My personal experience with men is that they come back wanting to get back with you when you start to move on.
They can see that you are managing with out them and their egos don't like it.
Is he away/work a lot?

Original poster
wantingahappyending · 30/08/2016 17:53

He does work a lot which is the main factor in us growing apart. I can easily cope without him it's just that I love him and I thought we would always be together. I can't see us getting back together now but maybe after some time has passed.

OP posts:
QueenofFatAsses · 30/08/2016 18:23

The distance brought on by lack of togetherness can not be underestimated.
I am really sorry op this must be really hard for you, give it some time. who knows what may happen in the future x

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 30/08/2016 20:38

I think it's more of a routine you're missing. The fact of him not being there. Not the relationship your missing if that makes sense. Focus on yourself and the children, he's made his bed now let him lie in it don't chase him. If he wanted too stay he wouldn't of left.

Livelovebehappy · 30/08/2016 20:40

My DH worked abroad for large parts of the year. 2 DC's. Married for 20 years. On one of his return visits he said didn't love me anymore, out of the blue. Turned out to be OW. Are you sure no-one else is involved? Has this happened suddenly? We did break up for about four years, during which time he split with OW. We communicated amicably via txt re arrangements for DC's, and found we were getting on really well, and he just said one day via txt that he missed the family, and wished he'd never left. Had thought grass was greener, but found it wasn't (we had been childhood sweethearts). He asked if he could come home, and we took it slow and 4 years down the line we are now together again and very happy. Not sure I would have taken him back during first year or so we were apart as things were still raw as I hadn't realised initially that OW involved. So it can happen, but I guess it all depends on why he no longer loves you. Could even be mid life crisis issues.

Original poster
wantingahappyending · 30/08/2016 21:44

Kungfu good advice. That is what I'm doing and I'm loving having my children to myself and us enjoying ourselves without having to work around his job. I won't be chasing him I'm actually instigating the divorce. I just feel like he's part of me and that we should be together and that got me thinking if anyone had managed to find their way back to each other in time.

OP posts:
Original poster
wantingahappyending · 30/08/2016 21:46

Livelovebehappy there was someone else involved which I think was the catalyst for him going but that's all over (apparently) and wasn't really much to begin with.
I like your story hope you live a long and happy life together :)

OP posts:
Candlefairy101 · 30/08/2016 21:50

My mum and dad did!

They have been with each other since they were 14, when us kids were young they went through a divorce but never fully divorced mum said dad couldn't sign the final papers.

Anyway they are coming up to 50 now and are so happy, us kids have all grown up, we all still live at home as adults but obviously we now don't give with so much stress and pressure.

I remember their horrendous fights when we were younger but they are so cute now, never row and very happy.

Candlefairy101 · 30/08/2016 21:52

Oh they separated for a good year, mum got herself a boyfriend. It didn't go down so well let's just say Confused but I think that was what they needed to separate and find each other again

whambamthankyoumaam · 30/08/2016 22:29

Before kids me and my OH split after 6 years together. We took about 6 months apart, I even moved on with other people, and he did his own thing. I then decided I wanted to give things another try, so we did and in the process had 2 kids. Now I'm back at square one, he is the same person I dumped all those years ago and whilst I'm so happy and lucky to have my kids, I'm also questioning why I tried to make things work with him. Not sure I've really been very happy since then.

Original poster
wantingahappyending · 30/08/2016 22:54

I suppose you would have always wondered though?
That's a great story about your mum and dad candlefairy! Love it!

OP posts:
Candlefairy101 · 31/08/2016 06:36

I'm a terrible 'what if'er' I can drive myself crazy because of it!

I have been with my partner since we were at school but we have split up and got back together more times than I can remember. We have three children together and he's currently at his mums now.

I'm living the same way my parents did, it's incredible fiery and passionate. We either are completely wrapped up with each other or in plotting ways to kills him.

I know people would think that we were effected by kids but me and my brothers don't feel effected at all, I think we would if the ending was different I.e how loved up they are now now they're older.

The finally split I.e not being able to sign the papers, they decided to not go back to our old house, the build a new home, same town different area, schools still the same for us kids. And haven't looked back since.

I remember my dad telling me when they're where 18/20. My parents split and mum ran away to Spain, dad couldn't find her and she became miss Spain and he saw her in the paper. He went to Spain and lived there for 3 months until she would marry him! Grin my man said she was the only girl that he till this day every brought home x

Dozer · 31/08/2016 06:41

Candlefairy, your situation sounds unstable and shitty for your DC: if you're romanticising it that much ("fiery and passionate") it does sound like you were badly affected by your childhood, eg to think that kind of relationship is OK - that's not realistic.

user1458157217 · 31/08/2016 07:24

Dozer, I don't believe she actually asked for advice. But good on you for taking it upon yourself to dish it out. Personally, I think that two parents who stay together and grit their teeth and smile "for the sake of the kids"'are a helluva lot more damaging.

Oh god, Sorry dozer; look at me, giving out advice to a poster who just commented on a thread and didn't actually ask advice on their own situation. Tut tut...how silly of me.

Dozer · 31/08/2016 07:28

It's MN: I can give unsolicited opinions! And the PP put her relationship out there in response to OP.

Desmondo2016 · 31/08/2016 10:31

I was with exh for 15 years, it was EA although I didnt realise that until much much later, I was also just too young. We split and both had other relationships. After about 18 months we took the children out together (both single again at this point) and the fondness and familiarity led to me having one crazy shit moment and he was moved back in within a couple days. On day 3 i knew id been a complete test and now had to put the kids through it a second time. We bumbled along for a year or so until I got the strength to end it properly once and for all. In sure it can work for others but my reconciliation was the second biggest mistake of my life, after marrying him in the first place!

Desmondo2016 · 31/08/2016 10:32

*twat not test!

Vlier · 31/08/2016 10:40

My cousin and her husband split for a while after about 15 years of marriage. They got back together and had two children but she is deeply unhappy in the relationship. He has emotionally checked out of the relationship and she is all bossy and drama. I think you need a good talk or even counselling before getting back together to resolve the problems otherwise you can be back where you started.

RedMapleLeaf · 31/08/2016 13:41

OP I used to have this fantasy. I was coping with so much change in the present that it was comforting to not have to contemplate a changed future.

In time you'll be ready to let go of the future you'd planned Flowers

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 31/08/2016 16:34

When the doubts start creeping in reverse them!
Looks like I'm in bed all alone again...
But at least I don't hear his loud snoring, his thrashing around, his quilt snatching.

I miss cooking meals and eating them together
But at least I don't have to do all the washing up with no help, listen to his annoying stories, his chewing loudly.

Soon you will realise your own strength and self worth. You had a life before him and you WILL have one after him. Stand tall and keep doing what you are doing

NewAndImprovedMe · 31/08/2016 16:57

Kungfu, that post is fab! Has given me strength. Thank you!