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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL Hell.

48 replies

MidnightMargaritas · 29/08/2016 16:08

My MIL has stolen about 80K of GIL money over the past 3 years. She now lives with GIL to stop her going into care because she wants her house. Shes been really sly ever since my husbands grandad died in 2013. Gran in law has dementia and has got worse since grandad died. We originally thought MIL was spending money that grandad had left her in 2013. Turns out it was all grandmas money. I reported her twice and shes now been ordered to document where every penny has gone.
Shes also demanding my husbands, mine and our childrens bank statements from the past 3 years as shes helped us out now and again and spent money on our children. The problem is we have been told not to hand anything over and if they are needed a solicitor will be in touch.
I dont trust MIL and never had (she emotionally and paychologically abused me while pregnant which resulted in pnd and bonding issues). She told us that money was hers and now shes been discovered I'm worried its going to look like we have been asking for grandmas money.
Wwyd?
Aibu to stop MILs weekly visits?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 29/08/2016 16:24

I'm not sure exactly what you are asking?
Surely as it's your DH's mother it's up to him.

Chamonix1 · 29/08/2016 16:31

If you're asking if this women deserves contact with you and your family then I'd say no.
Not from what you've said.
I'd certainly feel like distancing myself from someone like that.
What your DH does is up to him but I wouldn't want the women you've described in my life.

coconutpie · 29/08/2016 16:43

Why on earth are you in contact with that vile woman at all after how she has treated you? Cut her off. No contact.

Redorangeyellowgreenblue · 29/08/2016 16:44

Depends who the solicitor is working for. I wouldn't send you mils solicitor anything as they are defending her. They're looking for a paper trail of money and if most of it is her spending don't worry x If you are not being accused of anything I doubt you would need to disclose any personal statements unless the police want to see I wouldn't worry. She is in the wrong not you it's up to her to prove where the money she has spent has gone not you!

Redorangeyellowgreenblue · 29/08/2016 16:45

And I'd deffo cut contact with her!!

DeathStare · 29/08/2016 17:20

So she has (possibly) committed a crime, (possibly) implicated you in it - and now wants you to produce documents to get her off the hook and you on the hook?

Of course you stop all contact. That's a no brainer.

Don't give her anything. Don't co-operate with her solicitor. Get your own independent solicitor.

Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 29/08/2016 18:01

I know shes committing a crime, thats why I reported her. She would come over, spends £££s and act like shes a queen. She'd brag a lot and be very verbally nasty to grandma when she would bother to bring her across. She messed up recently as she said grandma was paying even though she didnt know it with a grin that would out do the cheshire cat
I'm in conctact with the vile woman as she insists on a weekly visit, one day a week (which is my hubbys day off) so i'd miss time with my family if I went out. My DH thought most of what happened when I was pregnant was "all in my head" but is starting to understand how horrible his mother is. I think the only reason contact remains is because of our 6 yr old DD who adores her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 29/08/2016 18:02

Her solicitor hasnt contacted us. Its just her demanding "we" fix this.

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DeathStare · 29/08/2016 18:05

I think the only reason contact remains is because of our 6 yr old DD who adores her.

Will you take your DD to visit her in prison OP? Or more to the point do you think MIL will bring DD to visit you in prison after she has managed to implicate you?

Seriously, I rarely ever say to go no contact. I'm very much a "try to find a way to work things out" kind of girl. But in these circumstances staying in contact would be absolutely stupid

Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 29/08/2016 18:08

Thank you for the honest responses. I keep doubting myself and I do not think DH is taking this seriously enough. Im trying my best not to shout "I told you so" which wouldnt be helpful but would make me feel a bit better about this situation.
Shes supposed to be coming this week, I was going to go out but now I'm going to nip this in the bud. I don't think we will see grandma again though as MIL lives in her house with her Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 29/08/2016 18:18

She keeps ringing my DH saying have the documentation ready for wednesday. Hes told her no as we are at CAB to talk to them about it and she started screaming at him. Sad

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 29/08/2016 18:21

These people may be helpful too

Don't give her anything except a wide berth!

Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 29/08/2016 18:24

I have this sinking feeling that she will get away with this and DH will forgive her out of guilt. (He knows it was me who reported her)

OP posts:
Hissy · 29/08/2016 20:26

Just tell her that she's not having so much as a post it note when it comes to your family finances.

If she calls either don't answer it hang up the second she raises her voice. There are some pockets of shocking mobile reception, even in this day and age...

louisatwo · 29/08/2016 20:40

Your MIL's solicitor has no right to demand anything from you - it's a fishing expedition so do not hand over anything. If a court demands something, that's different - then you have to comply.
As has been suggested, cease all conversations and discussions. Don't share any information with her if she's getting lawyered up. And if you have evidence that she's financially abusing GI, keep all records / evidence and keep reporting her.

DeathStare · 29/08/2016 20:49

She keeps ringing my DH saying have the documentation ready for Wednesday

Block her calls. Or at least don't answer them. And be out on Wednesday

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/08/2016 20:52

You need your husband on board 100%

Give her nothing. Without your help she cannot implicate you in what she's chosen to do. Any gifts or financial help she's given you in the past were from her not your OH's granny. That is your position.

Meanwhile have nothing to do with her.

I'm assuming by reporting her you anticipated this or something like it, so you should be prepared for going non-contact.

Vile and cruel woman!

sugarplumfairy28 · 29/08/2016 20:53

I can definitely (if he is off the same ilk as me) understand your DH's frame of mind. I have huge issues with my mother, who I basically live with. My children very much want her in their lives and their innocence shields them from her true nature. It is incredibly difficult to just cut all ties, and live without hope that this side of her won't go away.

Just try and take it one step at a time. If you and DH are on the same page re. not giving her the documents she wants, stick with that. She seems to have a deadline in mind, so it would seem the next step will happen soon enough.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2016 20:55

Your six year old relies on your good judgement as her mother and she does not realise that she is being manipulated. And that bloody word adore again; stop misusing that word!!!. She has likely all too clearly seen how you as her parents have been treated by her nan, she most likely fears her rather than adores her.

You would not have tolerated this from a friend, family is no different. This woman abused you and continues to abuse and wrap you and her son, your H, around her little finger. You've continued to allow contact at great cost to you and your family unit, I can only assume you have done this because you yourself come from an emotionally healthy family where this type of familial dysfunction and elder abuse is unknown so wanted to appear nice and reasonable. Nice and reasonable is a red rag to a bull to such disordered of thinking people like his mother, they take full advantage of your kindness and throw it back at you.

As you have also all too clearly now seen your DH has not been so lucky in the family of origin stakes. She was not a good parent to him and remains a toxic grandparent figure to all those around her.

Do not hand over any documents to this woman; she has no claim on those at all. You have also been told not to hand anything over to her and if they are needed a Solicitor will be in touch.

She can rant and demand all she likes; you both need to stand firm against her and not give into fear, obligation or guilt which is misplaced on your part.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2016 20:57

You also state that you have not heard from her (MILs) Solicitor. Treat MILs demands therefore as white noise; ignore, ignore and ignore.

GoldFishFingerz · 29/08/2016 20:59

Just tell her you have been told that the solicitor will be in contact with you if they are needed.

She might forge or twist any paperwork in her hands.

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2016 21:49

Do not give her any paperwork!! If anything is required, her solicitor can request it via your solicitor if this ends up in court. Yes, I would go nc. No doubt there will not be a will given your mil lives at the Gil's house and will have ripped it up. What a bitch. :(

Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 29/08/2016 21:55

My MIL has pressured grandma to change her will so everything goes to her and not to my uncle in law. She also manipulated my grandad inlaw along with grandmas help so his house went to grandma and her daughter instead of his own children.
I have no way to prove this but shes admitted this.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/08/2016 22:08

Surely she can get her own bank statements to find out how she has spent the money?

Your MIL is indeed commuting financial abuse. Is your DH an only child?

Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 29/08/2016 22:21

Hes not an only child but you would think it. His older brothers live 400 miles and have nothing to do with their mother as she left them when they were babies. He has a younger sibling who also doesnt speak to their mother due to some very serious and nasty things happening to him as a baby. DH only has his mother and gran here (and us obviously). His dad and step mother live down south

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