MIL Hell.

[MidnightMargaritas]

My MIL has stolen about 80K of GIL money over the past 3 years. She now lives with GIL to stop her going into care because she wants her house. Shes been really sly ever since my husbands grandad died in 2013. Gran in law has dementia and has got worse since grandad died. We originally thought MIL was spending money that grandad had left her in 2013. Turns out it was all grandmas money. I reported her twice and shes now been ordered to document where every penny has gone.
Shes also demanding my husbands, mine and our childrens bank statements from the past 3 years as shes helped us out now and again and spent money on our children. The problem is we have been told not to hand anything over and if they are needed a solicitor will be in touch.
I dont trust MIL and never had (she emotionally and paychologically abused me while pregnant which resulted in pnd and bonding issues). She told us that money was hers and now shes been discovered I'm worried its going to look like we have been asking for grandmas money.
Wwyd?
Aibu to stop MILs weekly visits?

actually if I was you I would be hiding all documents from your husband too, I am unsure how in the fog he is with his mother that he would give them to her on the sly, she will keep ringing you for them and if that dose not work then she will be on your doorstep op. she will be angry and sneaky don't you think,

Well I know I'm going to get called every name under the sun for not "running with the pack" here, but as ever we only have one side of the story here. I'm curious about a few things: Who did you actually report your MIL to OP - was the police then they would be investigating a possible fraud case but you don't mention the police only solicitors? Assume it was the police, so they will need evidence to ask the CPS whether there are grounds for taking the matter to court. Where is your evidence about the enormous amount of money you claim MIL has stolen?

I don't see anything wrong in her caring for her mother at home rather than a forced house sale because of the extortionate cost of care homes (averaging around £600 per week) dependent on where you live, and better for her mother too.

You have very little to say about your DH - what's his view of all this?

Who has ordered her to hand over the documents to prove where the money has gone - the police? Who have told you NOT to hand over the documents?
And what's all this got to do with her weekly visits.

OK - I have my hard hat on but rest assured I am impervious to all the insults that will inevitably come my way.

It seems the other 3 are no contact with her for good reasons. She seems to have made some terrible choices in life that have affected her children.

Perhaps your DH should have done the same as his siblings and cut her loose.

Her solicitor has no right to demand YOUR documents. And I'm afraid I'd be worried about going out and leaving DH to fend off her anger on his own. He sounds damaged and blinkered by this evil old cow. If you're not there to oversee things there's a chance he'll give her what she wants .

You need your own solicitor op for independent advice. Your husband could also do with counselling so he can stop wafting in the middle and decide who and what he agrees with.

Sounds like Mil is very toxic, don't give her bank statements or anything and get legal advice. I feel so sorry for your poor gil. It is hell caring for someone with demetia and frustration or anger from your Mil would be very normal but this sounds far more than that.

Wow - so now the MIL is going to be "on the doorstep" demanding the bank statements and will be "angry ad sneaky" - and the OP is being urged to "hide the documents from her DH as he could be "in the fog" with his mother! And OP shouldn't be going out apparently and "leaving DH to "fend off her anger on his own" - it's his mother FGS! Oh sorry I've just noted he's "damaged and blinkered by this evil old cow" and he could give her what she wants.

And MIL is apparently "very toxic" and the DH needs counselling! Someone feels sorry for the poor GIL even though none of us know the quality of care she is getting from her daughter.

I think there's a fair few "blinkered" posts on here. None of this OP holds together. I wonder if the OP will return to respond to the issues I raised - probably not. All this stuff about bank statements is ludicrous to be honest. Don't any of you realise that when you transfer money to someone it shows up in YOUR bank statement, so the MIL should have these details on HER bank statements, and if she's lost them the bank will supply them for a modest charge. It's all a red herring. The other issue is the allegation that MIL got her mother to change the Will. That wouldn't be possible as she is suffering from dementia and would not have "capacity" and no lawyer would get themselves into possible fraudulent activity.

As always at the mere mention of a MIL out come the MIL hating brigade with all sorts of insults against her - I often wonder if these are people who hate their own MILs.

Of course I have no way of knowing anything about the truth of otherwise of this matter and it may be that the MIL is being dishonest and is all the things she is being called by people who don't know her! However 80K is a substantial sum of money and if the OP has reported the matter to the police they should have questioned her in relation to the fraud and if there is sufficient evidence, contacted the CPS to ascertain if there is a good chance of a prosecution if brought to court. If so they would charge the MIL with fraud and take her before a court, who would almost certainly grant bail and her the case would be heard in the Crown Court at some future date. That's the way it works, so the OP doesn't make any sense to me. There's more than a whiff of a somewhat vindictive DIL here, but then that's just conjecture.

And please don't come on telling me I "stick up for all MILs" because I don't or "I'm not giving MILs a very good name by my attitude just because I'm a MIL" as I've heard it all before.

I'm really surprised that so many posters are just swallowing this OP whole and I think the reason is because it's a MIL in question.

So please OP can you come back and respond to the issues I've raised?

Since the mum slags off gil and is nasty then yes I feel sorry for her. I also feel sorry for her because at her age with demetia the last thing she needs is to become aware of this rift and stop seeing her grandchild.

And the dh should get counselling. He's obviously unsure what he thinks or believes and a good counsellor will help him reach that conclusion. Whether it's that his mum is toxic, which it sounds from ops posts, or if it is op is interfering and stirring trouble. Either way he's clearly torn and a third neutral person should help him find out what to do. If Mil is as toxic as op and the other people who have cut her off believe then counselling will help him stand up to her for gil.

If he realises op is the one in the wrong then he can stand up to her. Either way he needs to take a stand and evidently could do with help in finding what's best.

I should add counselling helped me make decisions with a bad family rift. I had no idea what to do and was very torn. The counsellor helped me see the different sides of things and the truth.

If the Mil is toxic it will help her dh to break away and stand up. If she's not and op is wrong it will help her dh stand up and say so. If he thinks it's both then the counsellor should help him find ways to cope as mine did

Im sorry but how am I in the wrong here? What issues do you want me to answer NanaNina? I didnt know the fill extent to how bad my MIL actually was until recently hence why I made the complaint. I didnt inform the police as my DH said he didnt feel comfortable with it.
Yes I do have issues with my MIL as she is a nasty woman but I stood by my husbands decision to let her visit our children even though she was disgusting towards me during both of my pregnancies and births (and after).

Grandma was also not diagnosed with dementia until after the will changes even thought MIL knew she was not right.

As your MIL lives with the GIL she's stealing from, has anyone involved sola services on safeguarding grounds?

*social.

I don't think you are in the wrong op. I think counselling will help your husband though and since it's unbiased he will come to the conclusion about mil himself. As I did with my relatives.

Since it is unbiased then no one should have an issue with it helping your husband be more decisive. Might help your frustrations lessen too if he is.

Social services were investigating, MIL wont talk about it but got upset on one of her recent visits as they had turned up to grandmas house and had a look around

I suppose if MIL's theft is proven she'll be prevented from 'caring' for GIL any more. What a horrible situation. Money can make people behave so awfully.

Somebody on here obviously has no first hand experience of dealing with solicitors and Dementia cases

I havent incase that was aimed at me Joysmum

You should have reported it to the police OP.

My dh told me not to. I reported it to adult safeguarding

The issues I raised are in my post OP but I'm leaving this thread. It doesn't make any sense and your MIL might well be a nasty person but you can't really accuse someone of stealing 80K without evidence. Presumably when your GFIL died the money passed to his wife (that's what usually happens) and then to the children on the 2nd death unless the will says differently. GIL has dementia so MIL might well have lasting power of attorney, meaning she manages the money as GIL doesn't have capacity. That has to be proven and it's a lengthy process, but it's possible. And all this about her wanting bank statements is rubbish because if you transfer money to someone it shows in YOUR bank statement, just the same as if you buy something from a shop, unless you pay in cash.

And Adult Safeguarding are a council run department and they have NO remit to investigate financial matters/potential fraud. The safeguarding element is about the care the person is receiving. I think you want to stop you MIL from visiting and all this about the money is a red herring, but that's just me. I feel sorry for your DH- everyone says he needs counselling - what on earth for? Just because he is not
of the same mind as you about his mother. Anyway over and out.

She admitted that she has to account for 80k - she said that. Shes only been incharge of grandmas finances over the past year officially. I asked on here because she does want our bankstatements. We said that made no sense as it would show on hers but she still demanded them.
She was contacted by the OPG. I reported her to the safeguarding team so I dont know if that is through me or someone else.
I also feel sorry for my DH as his mother is a selfish arsehole who only cares about herself. Not all Nannas are the same NanaNina but I can assure you she is nasty.
Ive seen you pop up on MIL threads spouting the same crap. Please dont belittle me or what Im going through because I'm telling the truth about my own experiences.

Well in that case,

MIL: Send me your bank statements.
You: No.

And repeat.

And what do you know OP - I've seen lots of DILs "pop up on here spouting the same crap." I expected the insults to come hard and fast - they usually do, so it took a while this time. I wasn't belittling you - I was trying to make sense of you post and it just didn't seem to make much sense. You accused your MIL of stealing 80K from her mother and I assumed you had evidence and had reported it to the police.

As usual the DILs piled in calling your MIL all sorts of insulting names and telling you to hide bank statements and your DH to get counselling and no one seemed to realise that any monies she had transferred to you would be on HER bank statements.

Anyway over and out.