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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We can't agree on where to live

43 replies

PenelopePitstop24 · 29/08/2016 10:26

First post so please be gentle....

So my OH lives around 15 miles from me, roughly a half hours drive. I'm the only driver (don't get me started on that - that's another issue!).
So anyway, we've been together around a year. He still lives at home with his parents, as do I. We are both 25.
We are saving to buy a house together, the only thing is that we can't agree on where to live. His work is only a 5 minute walk from his front door at the moment which makes sense for him to live there. All his friends etc nearby as well.
The same goes for me, friends/family all local to where I am, my work is closer to where I live. The other thing (and as much as I sound stuck up here!) is that where he is from isn't the nicest of areas, all very run down, nothing there apart from houses and supermarkets. It doesn't appeal to me at all to live there, I think I would be miserable.
I'll also be brutally honest and say that I'm not really wanting to live near his mum. She still does absolutely everything for him, from ironing to changing his bedsheets. He's 25 and still wrapped in cotton wool. They are really close and I can genuinely see her "popping by" every single night if we lived close to her. Would be an absolute nightmare.
At the moment I really don't know what to suggest about where we should live. I've told him I don't want to live where he is - just based on it being so far away from everyone. I tend to be the more social one out of the two of us - meet up with friends more etc.
Am I being selfish saying no to living nearby where he is? Should he have to uproot his life and move away from everything he knows for me? Has anyone been in this situation before and can shed light?

P.s he is good friends with my brother etc that I know he could spend time with here - he wouldn't be alone.

Honest answers please.

OP posts:

Fadingmemory · 29/08/2016 10:32

Live half way between or thereabouts where there is public transport for him to get to work? Relationships are so often about compromise.

OurBlanche · 29/08/2016 10:38

You know you said his DM keeps him wrapped in cotton wool? Do you know you too infantilise him?

Should he have to uproot his life and move away from everything he knows for me? Fifteen miles you said! Fifteen miles!

You need to have an honest conversation with him. All cards on the table... kill or cure. What compromises can you come to that mean you can both have a fulfilling and adult relationship?

SirKillalot · 29/08/2016 10:52

Bloody hell its 15 miles not 15 hours!

Be very careful OP that when you move in together he doesn't swap his Mum for you. You do not want to live with a manchild who is incapable of doing anything because he's never had to. Why not rent first? Buying together when he's never even lived away from home could be a big mistake.

jimbob1 · 29/08/2016 10:53

15 miles is nothing. I left my friends 40 miles away to stay in DH's home town where we met.
Also, my MIL used to live 2 mins away and always popped in unannounced. She has walked in on us having some naked fun, when I was trying to sleep with my newborn and at all sorts of inconvenient moments. However, I do think you should compromise and find somewhere inbetween.

Original poster

PenelopePitstop24 · 29/08/2016 10:57

fadingmemory looked at places half way. Can't find anything that suits us both it seems.

ourblanche I definitely don't infantilise him. I refuse to be one of those "I'll do the washing up then, you sit and relax". Things should be equal between a couple I think and he definitely knows my views on that. He definitely has some growing up to do though.

Fifteen miles isn't much I guess, but because he doesn't drive it will be a pain. He lives in one of those places where everyone knows everyone and it's all he knows, so for him it would be a big deal.

P.s thanks for you replies

OP posts:

Minime85 · 29/08/2016 10:57

Reading this my first thought is should you be moving in together? Are these just your thoughts or has he said he won't move? Why not focus on the house you want rather than being so specific on area, it's only 15 mins! I travel double that to work each day!

SirKillalot · 29/08/2016 10:58

Don't give his Mum a key. Set boundaries. Although as is often said on mn you may find you have a DP problem rather than a MIL problem.

GarlicBreadItsTheFuture · 29/08/2016 11:00

How about renting somewhere together first - it will give you the chance to see whether you can live together and where you will be happy to live before you commit to buying.

SirKillalot · 29/08/2016 11:02

Seriously, rent first. How are you going to know he is capable of growing up? Currently his Mum does everything. You may have all the views in the world about not doing his washing etc, but he has never had to do it. You may find he drives you mad. Then you're stuck in a bought house. Will you be driving him to work too? Every brings about him screams manchild.

EssentialHummus · 29/08/2016 11:02

I don't think the compromise has to be "15 miles". It may be 10 miles, but near transport. Or 5 miles, but in a nicer area. Or 5 in the other direction, with good shops nearby. Try not to turn it into a battle of wills. Even if you move further out of both areas you aren't exactly going to struggle in terms of getting to work or seeing friends and family.

Original poster

PenelopePitstop24 · 29/08/2016 11:02

sirkill that is also exactly my fear! I see so many of my friends moving in with their boyfriends and they just end up turnung into unpaid help. I would be happy to rent first and have actually suggested it but I got the "that's dead money that we could be putting into our mortgage" chat. Maybe I should revisit it.

jimbob I'm getting from a lot of people that 15 miles isn't anything and see now thinking about it you're probably right. I think I'm just thinking its a while because I need to drive it constantly but I guess if you weren't doing it every day it wouldn't be a big deal at all. That makes me feel better!
Possibly need to revisit the inbetween suggestion as well

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 29/08/2016 11:03

I agree with the others, rent somewhere first. You do need to both agree although I do think it's a bit dramatic staying you're moving away from everyone you know as it's only 30 minutes.

RandomMess · 29/08/2016 11:03

Definitely rent together, and definitely be honest about your concerns...

You sound similar though - you don't want to leave your friends and family behind either!

SirKillalot · 29/08/2016 11:06

You're right in that renting is dead money but don't underestimate how much you will end up resenting him if he does fuck all round the house whilst you're working full time and doing all the chores. Are you putting in equal deposits? Both going on the mortgage?

ElspethFlashman · 29/08/2016 11:09

Gosh, there's no way I'd buy with a Mummy's boy who I'd only been with a year. Massive risk.

Especially when he can't drive. How is he going to get around? Your taxi service?

I doubt he'd lift a finger either, and whilst it's one thing not to do his chores, you may find yourself falling into the Mum role just through nagging him to do his bloody share of the chores! A lot of women find they end up doing everything cos they hate the sound of themselves pleading and begging and cajoling and raging about skidmarks down the loo that he never ever cleans.

Oooh I'd think well and hard about this one, I really would.

JennyHolzersGhost · 29/08/2016 11:10

Please rent for a while - somewhere on a bus/train route from his local area so he can get there and back easily.
Seriously you need to check he's house-trained before making the biggest financial commitment of your lifetime with him. He sounds very much like he might not be.

ElspethFlashman · 29/08/2016 11:13

Yeah if he's that much of a homebody he'll be back home for every night out and every Sunday dinner (probably with a sack of laundry for St. Mum).

Definitely don't consider anywhere not on a direct bus route!

GingerbreadGingerbread · 29/08/2016 11:16

All your reasons are perfectly valid especially the MIL and the run down area. Just choose somewhere where he can get public transport to work but closer to your area.

pitterpatterrain · 29/08/2016 11:20

Agree with many of the PP don't buy - it doesn't sound like you are ready yet for that - it is a huge step

I was going to suggest rent and see how it goes, it will also mean you can test the waters of a different location

SirKillalot · 29/08/2016 11:34

You've only been together a year and you're looking at buying a house with a man who doesn't have to lift a finger and who also can't drive. Just think about what you're about to get in to. For God's sake rent.

ImperialBlether · 29/08/2016 11:41

I don't think you should buy together before living together, especially if he's spoiled.

When you buy you should go for the best possible area, so it makes no sense to buy in his home town.

It makes sense for him to become a bit more independent, ie learning to drive, before he makes a commitment to you in buying a house.

You are still very young. Could you buy somewhere yourself where you want to live and rent a room out to a friend? If you were my daughter I wouldn't want to see you tied down so young to someone like him, tbh.

ButtMuncher · 29/08/2016 11:48

I wouldn't buy a house with someone after a year who wasn't dependent on his mum, never mind buying one with someone who is

Seriously - rent. Good opportunity to learn areas you like, how you live together, collect items for your house so you're not buying all in one go and gives you the breathing space to establish boundaries with you boyfriends Mum.

Tbh, sounds as if you have some issues with him anyway that aren't resolved such as the driving, and that his Mum babies him. I'd be wanting to sort that stuff out first before you even make it over the threshold of anywhere, rented or not

SleepingTiger · 29/08/2016 12:22

Crikey....
Go travelling together for six months, then decide.

HowToChooseAUserName · 29/08/2016 12:26

Why do you want to live with him?

You are only 25!!! FFS there is a high chance that in 10 years time you'll have met someone better and 100% better suited for you and won't even remember this guys name.

Why not carry on as you are? Where you live suits you and where he lives suits him... see how it goes.

If you are dead set on it or in the long term... someone needs to compromise, that will either be him (you move near him) or you (he moves near you) or both of you (in the middle). Which is the best option depends on a miriad of factors.

But from what you say, it's pointless to have two people inconvenienced for work travel really. There is a big difference between (say) 5 mins walk and 30 mins. What's the point in having 2 people travelling 30 mins when one could be having a 5 min commute. You'd get my vote. He should agree to move so you live together near you.

confuugled1 · 29/08/2016 12:36

Sounds like he need to use some money first to learn to drive before thinking about jumping straight into buying a house.

I'd even hope that he lived in a shared house without me first so he knew more about living away from home and seeing that there are all sorts of ways that people live and that there are lots of mundane jobs involved in living and being a responsible adult- that there aren't a load of house elves that magically ensure there's enough bread and milk, the laundry is done, the fridge is full, the bills are paid and so on.

Even if you rent together first he's going to carry on before as much as possible because that's what he's always known and it's worked for him so far so why change?

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