We can't agree on where to live

[PenelopePitstop24]

First post so please be gentle....

So my OH lives around 15 miles from me, roughly a half hours drive. I'm the only driver (don't get me started on that - that's another issue!).
So anyway, we've been together around a year. He still lives at home with his parents, as do I. We are both 25.
We are saving to buy a house together, the only thing is that we can't agree on where to live. His work is only a 5 minute walk from his front door at the moment which makes sense for him to live there. All his friends etc nearby as well.
The same goes for me, friends/family all local to where I am, my work is closer to where I live. The other thing (and as much as I sound stuck up here!) is that where he is from isn't the nicest of areas, all very run down, nothing there apart from houses and supermarkets. It doesn't appeal to me at all to live there, I think I would be miserable.
I'll also be brutally honest and say that I'm not really wanting to live near his mum. She still does absolutely everything for him, from ironing to changing his bedsheets. He's 25 and still wrapped in cotton wool. They are really close and I can genuinely see her "popping by" every single night if we lived close to her. Would be an absolute nightmare.
At the moment I really don't know what to suggest about where we should live. I've told him I don't want to live where he is - just based on it being so far away from everyone. I tend to be the more social one out of the two of us - meet up with friends more etc.
Am I being selfish saying no to living nearby where he is? Should he have to uproot his life and move away from everything he knows for me? Has anyone been in this situation before and can shed light?

P.s he is good friends with my brother etc that I know he could spend time with here - he wouldn't be alone.

Honest answers please.

Please don't buy yet.An year is not long enough to know each other and it generally takes 2 years for the honeymoon period to end.

I forecast that if you buy you will have issues and you will have no (cheap, uncomplicated) exit strategy.

I really understand the dead money comment (my ex said the same) and we moved into his prefered area.

Is he looking at your point of view, does he consider all options, is he communicating openly & freely? You are around my dd's age and I would be having this conversation with her.

Renting may have a cost BUT getting out of a house you buy is much more expensive and painful.You will forget a years rent over your lifetime but I doubt you will bounce back from a house/mortgage as eadily.

You are raising an issue on MN as you feel you can't make progress with him and you are not being heard.Listen to your discomfort/instinct you are not unreasonable even if he is making you feel like it.

Rent first, you don't want to become his new mummy.

I wouldn't move in with him just yet either.

Why could he not get public transport back to see his family? Why would you have to drive him? Is it the middle of nowhere or is he used to being ferried around by his mummy?

I would keep saving for now and have a bit more of a think before such a commitment.

I know everyone else has said it but DON'T BUY WITH HIM YET!

Why on earth are you wanting to buy right now? Can't drive, lets his mum change his sheets... he sounds a bit juvenile TBH which is FINE unless you're buying a property together.

You sound pretty sensible OP so I would just hold fire for a bit, and wonder if he's definitely the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Why move in together at all? You'll be miserable, stuck living in CompromiseTown and missing your lovely social life.

Buy a place by yourself or with a local friend, and just keep dating him as you are.

I agree that you need to rent first then when if you find that you are living with someone who expects you to run around after him then you only have 6 months at the most to wait to get out of it rather than trying to get out of a joint house purchase.

It sounds like you live independently, could he move in with you for a trial period of 6 months on the understanding that if it doesnt work out then he moves back to his mums?

I get the 15 miles thing. People round here are born, go school and work in the same town. Everyone knows each other in some way. I live about that distance from where I grew up and will probably be seen as outsider forever!

I'd go a step further. I wouldn't move in with him until he has lived independently.

Can you buy without him? Can he buy without you?

Whose idea was it to buy a house when you've only been together such a short time?

It has to be a compromise. It can't just be to suit one or the other. For our first house we moved to where my now DH is from, so he had all his friends and family around and I didn't. I learned to drive in time for moving house (worth suggesting). I did feel isolated a lot of the time, especially after our DS1 was born and was off on mat leave.

We lived there for 7 years and then moved to where I am from. I am much happier here, so are our 3 DCs. The area is better, there's more things to do close by. Incidentally my mum and dad have moved abroad and so has my sister, but I still don't feel isolated. My friends are close by and DH gets to see his friends whenever he wants.

We did initially look at a house in between my area and his area and would have bought it accept my solicitor made an arse of it and it fell through.

Maybe that's what to suggest, tell him to learn to drive before a house is bought and choose somewhere in between the two areas.

Stay where you are until he's got his driving licence.

Renting first before buying together is not 'dead money', think of it as an investment in your future. You'll know then whether you can live together and have a much better idea of what sort of home will suit you both.

Whose idea was it to buy a house when you've only been together such a short time?

Probably his mothers. The idea that paying rent is "dead money" seems to be more common the older people get.

The OP has not lived independently of her parental home either. Let's not forget that in the rush to call her BF a man child. We do not know what her parents do for her at home either. But we are very quick to call him things.

First thing for me would be, get him to pass his driving test. That is test numero uno.

Then your options are much better aren't they? Why have you not suggested that he do this? First principles. That will make such a difference in deciding where to live won't it?

As others have said, rent first FGS and see how compatible you both are in a living together situation.

Forget about rent being "dead money". It will be very much alive lol, if you find out that buying a house together would be a disaster!

Best of luck. But two people are propping each other up here. Nothing wrong with that, we all do it from time to time, but in a buying, get a mortgage, get away from the folks situation, I think you better think it out again!

Best of luck anyway.

I think he needs to learn to drive. Living away from your family and friends (even if only 15 miles away), can seem a bit overwhelming if you have to rely on lifts / public transport. I'm sure if he got his license and a car, after a short while, he would be more agreeable to moving further afield.

Wow so many comments, I got really busy yesterday. I will try reply to everyone...

NerSerr possibly that was a dramatic comment to make, but it's a pain in the arse getting through a busy town then on to a motorway
RandomMess you're probably right, I am considering bringing up renting again for definite.
SirKill yes both putting in the same money for the house potentially
ElspethFlashman I agree it's a risk. Are all men so lazy?! After much moaning and some arguing he has started taking driving lessons, finally. I have stopped driving him places unless I'm actually going there myself.
Gingerbread good shout
ImperialBlether I agree he needs to get his finger out, it's the only thing that annoys me about him. Bar the driving.
SleepingTiger already done living abroad :)
HowToChooseAUserName I'm at the stage now where I'm just dying to get out of my house, I've moved away before and it's hard going back home again and loosing my independence. I wanted to buy a house, and so did he. So we thought it made sense. I agree with what you're saying, the half way thing is something we looked at but neither of us really wanted to live in those areas. I reckon moving nearer where I live makes more sense but feel bad at making him move.
confuugled1 totally agree he needs a license, I hate being the only driver. He's started taking lessons now (thankfully) so hopefully by the time we move he can get his own car. You don't think there is any way he would change? I'm quite strong in the sense where I'm not a walkover but couldn't deal with living with someone who does nothing. His mum will go away for a week at a time sometimes and his place is always a mess at the end of it. Is there no hope?!?!
newname99 Maybe jumping into buying isn't the best option but apart from the driving and the messiness we are really happy. He knows I don't want to live where he is but he doesn't sound like he wants to live where I am either. He is thinking about an area thats only 5/10 minutes from me where there is a central train station that would get him to work etc, which I would be more than happy with but it sounds like his heart isn't in it. You're right I am young and I haven't made any grown up decisions with regards to finances before which is why I came here for everybodys advice. Thanks for your comment :)
Quickqu the mum thing infuriates me, I've innocently brought it up with her directly before and her response was "if I can make his life easier and I have the time why shouldn't I". Ughhhh. I've done everything for myself since I was 18 and I'm glad my mum was that way with me (I wasn't at the time, haha!). I had to teach him how to put a wash on a few months ago. The mother thing is an issue and driving definitely one - at least he is taking lessons because I've made it more than clear I'm not running around for him constantly. Apart from those two issues he makes me laugh, he's caring and kind etc. He's the first person I've ever met that I can see a future with which is why I'd want to live with him. just seems like he needs to do a bit of growing up
Bogeyface renting is possibly the best decision I think based on everyone's comments.
Thegianto That's what I mean about where he is from, everyone has lived there their whole life.
RunRabbit we could probably buy houses independantly, just thought it made more sense since we both wanted to buy and are together all the time anyway
AgentPineapple I agree there needs to be compromise but without sounding harsh I don't want to live in the area he is from. I wouldn't choose it even if a really nice house came up at a decent price. I can imagine feeling the way you probably did. I get it from his side too though, he doesn't really want to move away.
Bogeyface Not his mother's idea, she will probably cry when he moves out. She went on holiday, it was her Birthday and she cried on her Birthday just because he wasn't there for it..............wow.
*xexxsy" I moved to another country and lived on my own for 6 months so I know what it is like to be on my own. I miss the independence of having my own place and coming and going as I please. The plan was to save and buy my own place when I came home. I met him not long after I got back.
19lottie82 i think you're right

I just wanted to say to everybody, thank you so much for all your comments and advice. I think I'm gonna suggest renting again, potentially buying is a bold move. My only worry is that I've mentioned all the renting points to him before and he doesn't seem to be up for it. Maybe he would buy alone?! And I could buy into should we still be together? I don't know. I'll update the thread at some point and let you know how it went. Sorry if I didn't get back to everybody individually but some points were already covered

Thanks, P x

PS, can anyone explain to me what the abreviations mean on here? Finding myself confused sometimes

abbreviations*

DP is dear partner, Op is original poster (I think) I.e you. DM is dear mum, MIL is mother in law. DH dear husband etc.

No it's not normal for men to be like this. Please don't think it is. Just think, if his house was like that after a week what will yours be like when you're living together?

I know you say you won't tolerate it but you'll find yourself just picking stuff up because you'll be fed up with 'nagging' him. It isn't nagging btw.

Rent rent rent.