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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So it was an affair after all..

33 replies

Disappointednomore · 22/08/2016 00:10

My husband left 10 months ago. I've had a lot of RL support plus advice here on mumsnet that I've really appreciated. He has consistently denied there was OW but I have found out tonight that there is and he has been with her all along. I barely know how to react to this now. Why could he not just tell me instead of torturing me?

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 22/08/2016 00:15

What a shit. I don't know why people can't just be honest, maybe he thought it was easier, maybe he was ashamed (here's hoping).
I have no advice but it's late and I didn't want to read and run.
Flowers Wine

WannaBeDifferent · 22/08/2016 00:17

Unfortunately this is usually the case Flowers

isamonster · 22/08/2016 00:24

Sorry but it is so true - my ex still won't even talk to me about his new girlfriend even though she looks after my daughter when she stays with them and he seems to have moved in with her three months after leaving us. I really don't care any more - this was last year. But it does make me have problems with trust. Perhaps he feels guilty but I just hope for your sake that you weren't hoping for a reconciliation or beating yourself up about what you could have done differently. It is so shitty of him not to be honest. I only know about my ex because of my daughter.

Middleoftheroad · 22/08/2016 00:25

Sorry for your hurt. I wish they could just respect your intelligence. My ex once swore on his mom's life there was nobody and each time I begged him just to be honest. They lie and they're too spineless to admit it. And insulting your intelligence, the devency in telling you adds insult to injury. It's cruel, but please don't waste time in trying to analyse how their deceibtful minds work.

Lilacpink40 · 22/08/2016 00:29

My ex told me about OW and we split up, but said it was a friendship thing not physical. Then I found out he'd been to hotels with her so had to admit the truth. He was a brilliant liar rubbish at everything else

talesofthevillage · 22/08/2016 00:31

I'm sorry. Cheaters deny and deny, and they seem to think that the less you know, the better for them. Don't dwell on the painful details if you can. What you know now will help you process it all.

user785 · 22/08/2016 01:16

I've been where you are.

In my situation it was slightly easier because I found out that he'd done the same thing to his first proper GF. In a way, it helped me realise that it wasn't me, he was just a bit of a shit.

He didn't tell you because it wasn't in his nature to. Once you accept that this (bizarrely) has nothing to do with you, it's actually about him and he's just a bit of a douchebag, it becomes easier to bear. The OW is going to spend the rest of her life looking over her shoulder. She's welcome to that.

This is not about you. You are still the same lovely person you thought you were. It's just your ex isn't the man you thought he was. He's the problem.

ravenmum · 22/08/2016 07:07

They are hoping they will come out of it smelling like roses. And are willing to sacrifice your mental health in the process. It's as simple as that.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 22/08/2016 07:34

What ravenmum said. And I'll add that mine seems to actually believe his own lies-he gets very angry when it's pointed out to him that actually he's behaved appallingly, as opposed to his own high opinion of himself.i think they must be the only way he can live with himself.

Original poster
Disappointednomore · 22/08/2016 07:47

Thank you for your replies - it helps to hear your thoughts which do reflect some of the things I am telling myself. I wasn't hoping for a reconciliation but I have been turning over where I went wrong and part of me if I'm honest hoped he would realise he'd made a terrible mistake even so I could have the pleasure of turning him down. It's just incredible how selfish he has been and yes - sacrificing my mental health just because he's too spineless to admit the truth. The thought has just occurred to me that once the divorce is through he might marry her! More pain to have to face! How will my DD feel about that? I'm sure she secretly thinks we'll get back together

OP posts:
FallenStar3 · 22/08/2016 07:49

OP I've been where you've been although not married to him, I gave my career up at uni ( almost an qualified nurse) to care for ex who had problems with health due to childhood illness, I cared for him and our son did everything even wound dressings. As soon as he recovered and returned to work he left us for another woman who he been seeing throughtout and would randomly turn up at places we were. They would go out drinking and doing drugs whilst I cared for the baby. I was when I returned home with DS with nothing worse still he gave me an std (which has gone on to cause precancerous cells, thanks to him going with other people the prick)

I thought no one would be interest and for a longtime I felt I had nothing to give. I was depressed, I lost so much weight I was like a skeleton. I then met my DH who is my soulmate, he is an excellent step father than my ex three times the man, we got married and had further DC. You might not think it now but this arsehole has done you massive favour. My ex hates my DH for no reason at all

DrMorbius · 22/08/2016 08:16

Not many people would want to paint themselves as a total shit (i.e. portray themselves as a person who has/had an affair). Plus it's a life long legacy, I have seen plenty times on MN, posters telling others not to trust a man or woman who had affairs etc.

Therefore with one simple piece of rewriting history, his reputation is intact. Not sure about the mental torture to the ex partner, that wouldn't even occur to me perhaps that is the answer.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 22/08/2016 08:19

My ex did the same, I think it's because they can't handle the guilt, he still blames me for ending out marriage because I left. Yes I left after you had an affair and got another woman pregnant and lied to my face about it repeatedly.

You will get through this and realise he is the shit. You did nothing wrong and you will be ok. Flowers

ravenmum · 22/08/2016 08:38

DrMorbius Depends on each case, obviously - in my case I think it might have occurred to my ex that he was mentally torturing me, if not from my behaviour, weight loss, visits to psychotherapist then maybe from me telling him that he was mentally torturing me.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/08/2016 08:51

It won't be easy as you start to make new connections with the new information (such as him marrying the woman). However, you will at least start to realise that you weren't going crazy and your suspicions were right.

And then one day you'll wake up and realise you don't care either way.

Cary2012 · 22/08/2016 08:53

ravensmum hit the nail on the head, 'they want to come out of it smelling of roses'.

My ex denied OW repeatedly. He perfected this hurt puppy dog face, saying 'I'm not that sort of man. I would never do that to you' I thought I was going nuts. I knew in my heart, I just couldn't find the evidence.Within weeks of leaving, they were living together. He was still denying that she was the OW! Claimed they had just met. Even years later, when I found out that they had been together two years prior to our break up, he denied it! They'd been on holiday together when I thought he was away on business.

They are still together, I expect they will marry, I quite look forward to it. Think I'll send her a card, with, 'Here's the number of a shit hot divorce lawyer' written in it.

Move on OP, he's like so many others, you deserve better. You're well rid. People like this re-write history, they want to cheat but can't stand people judging them . If they can pretend they've done nothing wrong, they don't have to face up to the reality and face the pain and damage they've caused.

DrMorbius · 22/08/2016 08:55

ravenmum obviously you are correct it Depends on each case. It also depends on the person. Not to be too blunt, but if it was a case of my ExW's mental state or my good name, it would be no contest.

BTW I don't have an Ex, I still have a lovely DW Smile

ravenmum · 22/08/2016 09:25

DrMorbius I'm going to go out on a limb here and say there might be a connection between your decent attitude and healthy relationship :)

Original poster
Disappointednomore · 22/08/2016 10:18

Well I have been trying to be extremely fair and civil - as much about retaining my dignity and promoting a healthy relationship between DD and her dad but I wonder if it's just increased his arrogance since he's "got away with it" as it were. I shall certainly be more ruthless regarding the divorce settlement now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disappointednomore · 22/08/2016 10:18

Well I have been trying to be extremely fair and civil - as much about retaining my dignity and promoting a healthy relationship between DD and her dad but I wonder if it's just increased his arrogance since he's "got away with it" as it were. I shall certainly be more ruthless regarding the divorce settlement now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disappointednomore · 22/08/2016 10:30

Sorry double post

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 22/08/2016 23:33

I havent read all posts, but just read a suggestion on another thread that may be useful for you to read. (Chumplady website explaining why cheaters cheat)
www.chumplady.com/2015/02/dear-chump-lady-cheaters-work-script/

Missgraeme · 22/08/2016 23:36

Don't forget to write on the wedding card that now she is his wife there is a vacancy for a mistress.

Livelovebehappy · 23/08/2016 08:46

Happened to me. I think it's a combination of you wanting to believe they just wouldn't do that to you vs their ability to make you believe there is no OW. I wish I had come on here when it was happening, as he really had followed the 'script', which I would have been alerted to by others on here. I think they deny it so vigorously because they don't want their family or friends seeing that they are the bad guy. It all comes out eventually though, but at least you now realise it wasn't anything to do with you, but down to the fact he had already decided he wanted to move on with OW.

Original poster
Disappointednomore · 23/08/2016 10:50

Exactly livelove I do think it is to prevent their family perceiving him as a weak spineless selfish man who would do that and it certainly is not to protect us from the knowledge. In some ways it's easier to know there's another woman than that I was so horrible he couldn't bear to stay with me another day and try to work things out.

OP posts:
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