So it was an affair after all..

[Disappointednomore]

My husband left 10 months ago. I've had a lot of RL support plus advice here on mumsnet that I've really appreciated. He has consistently denied there was OW but I have found out tonight that there is and he has been with her all along. I barely know how to react to this now. Why could he not just tell me instead of torturing me?

You're right, livelove.

If these man are exposed for the 'weak spineless men' they are, by people who know them so well, they have no option but to see themselves as they are.

They can't hack that because it's too much for them to deal with. It's reality, they haven't got the guts to take or face the consequences.

So they lie, and spin, and jump through hoops to try and paint themselves as the injured party, the victim.

It's like the Emperor's New Clothes, they surround themselves with people they think they can fool, usually encouraged and fed by the OW. Because deep down, she feels as bad as they do. My ex's new best friend is a serial cheater, a man my ex despised for years before he cheated.
himself
The silly sods don't realise that everyone can see straight through them. They can see the truth, and these men for what they really are. But they still continue trying to be the good guy, so that they don't see the disgust in others eyes.

My ex is still doing it five years down the line. It's sad and pathetic.

I'd have a bit of respect for him if he said, Yes I was a selfish bastard, I put my own needs before my kids and Cary's, but I'd do it again tomorrow, because I have what I want, so you can all sod off' But he'll never admit, or say that, because he hasn't got the balls.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: in all my long years I've never known a man to leave his family without knowing exactly where his next shag is coming from. By denying there's an OW they can erode your confidence by making you wonder where you went wrong and thus deflect the focus back on you rather than them.

One thing I discovered the hard way was it didn't actually matter to his family what he'd done to me. When it came to it they supported him without question. i suppose that is how it has to be. He told them a different tale to the one he told me and they bought it. It leaves you feeling horrible but you weren't - for him it had run its course, he'd left and it was mentally already all about someone else. How you do that with a child in the picture - I'll never understand. You should lovely and he sounds like a weak selfish spineless cock.

isamonster, his family probably bought the lie, because it was the easier option. Blood is thicker than water and all that. I'll never understand how they do it, with a child in the picture either. But they do. Deep down your ex know he's lied. You're better than that and you deserve better than him. I stopped trying to get in my ex's head years ago, pointless exercise, it would never change anything. He re-wrote the past to suit him, that's fine. I know the truth, I have nothing on my conscience.

ConkersDontScareSpiders - I think you must mean my ExDP - mine seems to actually believe his own lies-he gets very angry when it's pointed out to him that actually he's behaved appallingly His cheating was as clear as it can be - texts, FB messages, late night meetings, even sex in a car park

Yet in the face of all this evidence he still denys he cheated, he was just feeling trapped poor love, and wasn't sure what he wanted.

OP, because it still smarts when you realise he's not the man he led you to believe he was.

He didn't tell you because he is a nasty piece of dog shit who is primarily interested in himself. There really isn't any more to it.

Are you absolutely sure? I met my DH only 2 months after I left my first Husband. That was 8 years ago, and to this day, first H is convinced that I left him for DH and that we had an affair. Absolute rubbish!

Husky - yes I am absolutely sure.