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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mate can't find a date.

26 replies

DaDman66 · 19/08/2016 10:09

Some advice please.
A ‘friend’ of mine is having HUGE troubles finding a girlfriend. He’s 43 and has literally never even had a cheeky snog.
The advice I’m looking for is – how do I tell him that he comes across as a creep the minutes he meets ANY woman? If I introduce him to a female friend and she even so much as smiles at him or takes a mild interest in small talking with him he falls in love, gets all heavy and then starts to persue them. He can’t just have a good time, he will instantly change and start making (really pathetic) moves. It’s as though he thinks women are a different species.

I’ve called him a friend here, but he’s more friend of a friend – I don’t really like the fella, I’m just sick of him ruining nights out gettign all stroppy because I’m able to talk to women as humans and he isn’t. He always asks me how to pull but I haven’t the heart to tell him he’s a bit creepy, only about 4ft tall and looks a lot like a spotty version of Frankie Boyle with a penchant for incredibly attractive women that most likely wouldn’t look at him twice. I know it sounds harsh…but it’s true. He always gets annoyed with me if I talk to the women he’s fixated with, as if I’m trying it on when I’m actually just chatting.

Even online dating, speed dating etc etc hasn’t done the trick.

How on earth does a 43 year old virgin with a crap personality meet someone and then hopefully cheer up and stop being a cock?

OP posts:
StillDrSethHazlittMD · 19/08/2016 10:12

So, he's a friend of a friend and you don't really like him, have slagged him off right royally (clearly he is not 4ft tall) but have decided you can be the one to turn him into a babe magnet?

Do fuck off and something else to do today.

Original poster
DaDman66 · 19/08/2016 10:32

Alright, 4.5ft...

No, I haven't decided that. I've put up with 8 years of his shit and genuinely want to offer advice without upsetting the guy.

I know it comes across as harsh, I type the this post following a huge fall out with the guy, but I'd rather he be happy and stop splitting the entire group up every single time he comes out with us.

OP posts:
LewisAndClark · 19/08/2016 10:34

God, I wouldn't wish him on any woman. He sounds far too much like a project, and a misogynist one at that.

Can't you just stop going out with him?

Original poster
DaDman66 · 19/08/2016 10:40

I'd love to, but he's a friend of a friend. You know when someone is a bit of a cock but a good mate seems to really like them.

He has his moments where, when being himself, he's a straight up genuine person. It's when a women is around he changes (I feel through anxiety/shyness) into someone he isn't.

I've vented a bit here as he really did my head in last night, but the next time he asks my advice I'd like to be able to offer him some without knocking his confidence even more.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentFreyPie · 19/08/2016 10:40

Let me guess. He describes himself as A Nice Guy and those bitches only want men who treat them like crap?

There's no curing The Nice Guy (who is usually far worse than outright dicks)

As for the looks thing, I understand why you mention it because guys like this seem to think women in their own league physically are worth deriding, sneering at and generally not good enough. These sorts of men can be very scary. I was borderline stalked by one once, just by being polite at a party!

Can you elaborate how his attitude towards women is affecting your friendship group? That may be a (slightly) easier issue to tackle than deeply ingrained, creepy/misogynistic views.

Original poster
DaDman66 · 19/08/2016 10:56

SpecialAgentFreyPie - I don't think he even describes himself as a nice guy tbh.

Exactly that. He won't even entertain the idea of dating a women who he deems to be unattractive to him. They have to be tall, slim etc. Maybe he's completely deluded and sees something else when he looks in the mirror. Probably too much FHM and the likes I reckon.

Okay, so here's what happens. I'm friends with plenty of women, i'll invite one out, she'll say hi to him (and everyone else), show a polite interest etc. He'll instantly think it means something and then have designs on her "we should go out some time" twenty minutes after meeting. She'll slowly move away from him, he'll find an excuse to go sit next to her again.
So, she'll either come talk to me or another friend and we'll get the drinks flowing, have dance, chat to people etc. Then he gets into a strop (because if I'm talking to her then I must fancy her), start saying things under his breath, start an argument and make everyone feel crap. Then his friend will take him off somewhere and split up the group. then he comes back the next weekend and repeats the cycle.

I appreciate I'm clutching at straws here...

OP posts:
LewisAndClark · 19/08/2016 11:02

He sounds AWFUL.

Just blank him. He's not your problem.

TheNaze73 · 19/08/2016 11:10

He sounds like a total cock.

Original poster
DaDman66 · 19/08/2016 11:22

So, no one is interested in being introduced then....

:)

I think the answer to the original post is, feck him off.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentFreyPie · 19/08/2016 11:27

I'd bloody well feck him off. All his women issues aside, he sounds like a drama llama!

Original poster
DaDman66 · 19/08/2016 11:33

haha. Will do.

I have to admit, I'm fascinated by the fact he's never had a girlfriend at his age. That's bound to make for a bitter attitude in general, let alone towards women!

OP posts:
SpecialAgentFreyPie · 19/08/2016 11:36

What's his relationship like with his mother?

My mate can't find a date.
madgingermunchkin · 19/08/2016 11:47

I've had a friend like this, I also have a limited amount of patience and I have to admit that in the end I lost my temper and laid it all out. Straight up told him that his attitude to women and how he came on too strong was what put women off.
Yes he was upset, but I gave me him one to cool off, apologised and said I shouldn't have said it how I did, but that I should by the sentiment. I then tried to give him some pointers about being realistic about his attractiveness how he came across as a creep etc.

He seemed to take it on board, but that may have been because I'm a woman and so wasn't a "threat"?

Original poster
DaDman66 · 19/08/2016 13:21

Oh he loves his Momma. His Dad is a massive misogynistic, racist, football thug type. I think he's conflicted between the two.

OP posts:
glitterwhip · 19/08/2016 13:26

He sounds awful ..and honestly the desperation is really off putting but I can see your dilemma
Sounds like he'd just pitch a fit if you told him no matter how delicately you tried to put it

HappyJanuary · 19/08/2016 14:03

I think he needs to be given the unvarnished truth by someone who doesn't mind falling out with him, preferably an attractive woman whose opinion he might both believe and value.

You and your mates need to stage an intervention!

Having said that, he's had years of rejection, frustration and unrequited love. It must be humiliating to be knocked back every weekend. He sounds awful yet I feel a tiny bit sorry for him.

WoburnSands · 19/08/2016 15:22

I would have no patience with him I'm afraid as I've come across a similar type - he was very EA!!

cantshakeitoff · 19/08/2016 15:32

He does sound like a creep, but I can't help but feeling a bit sorry for him.

Advice to give him would be:

  1. Chill
  2. Be realistic about expectations
  3. To work on his own attractiveness

I've got a relative like this. He's 35 and has never had a girlfriend I don't think. He's got a minimum wage, part time job with no ambitions to do anything else. He still lives at home and let's his mum cook and clean for him. He's not super ugly but not super attractive either.

And he moans constantly about how women won't give him a chance! I just want to slap him and tell him to work on himself first and maybe start considering women who do not look like page 3 models.

madgingermunchkin · 19/08/2016 17:25

I can tell you now that delicacy won't work. DaDman, you need to invite out a female friend who will just be brutally honest with him once and for all.

It might work, it might not, but pussy footing around him isn't going to work.

Grannypants1 · 19/08/2016 17:55

Urgh why would you want to inflict him on someone else? Definitely a 'nice guy'

madgingermunchkin · 19/08/2016 18:26

I don't think the OP wants to inflict him on someone he wants someone the idiot wouldn't consider a threat to take one for the team and tell him the cold hard truth give him some good advice that he might actually take on board.

Grannypants1 · 19/08/2016 19:48

But then that person would have to deal with this guy. Unfortunately out of experience with guys like this any cold hard truth good advice usually goes in one ear and out the other. If you think that by 43 someone hasn't already told him or he hasn't got the hint, there is no helping him. You are just going to have to grin and bear it. Or spray him with a spray water bottle when he does bad things. I have seen that recommended for changed cat behaviours, maybe it will work on creep behaviours.

maggiethemagpie · 23/08/2016 20:36

Does he actually want help? I've learned in life that you can't give help to someone, no matter how much you think they need it, if it's not been asked for as it will be unappreciated. It will go in one ear and out the other.

I do feel sorry for him. He needs to realise there's a problem, and that the problem is him. Only then will he be receptive to your 'help'.

AnvilAnnie · 23/08/2016 22:18

It’s as though he thinks women are a different species.

Did he have a single sex education? If so, this attitude is fairly common and in an average/normal guy (not your chap by the sound of it) it takes around 10 years to move to a normal interaction with women. Most men who have been in single sex education (assuming they weren't otherwise socialised with women - eg. out of school clubs/associations or sisters+ sisters friends) don't actually start interacting with women as "not a different species" until they are about 30 - 35.

If you want to take this up as a project, he needs to do something where he interacts with a lot of new women regualarly and he'll stop being so weird because (a) they'll call him on it and (b) it will be exhausting for him so he'll stop. Send him to a regular volunteering commitment that is female dominated - arts charities and children's charities or soup kitchen type thing.

Original poster
DaDman66 · 26/08/2016 13:22

Thanks AnvilAnnie.
We're going out again tonight. I'm taking some female friends along (not 'for him', just because they're my friends). Having met another friend for lunch today he's filled me in with recent events that the guy in question has caused. "HE now fancies X and she's repulsed by him so she's not coming out" also, two other guys that have recently started socialising with us have said they wont' come if he does.

Basically, he's a lost cause and I'm going to sack him in. Just be polite at social events and that's it.

Or spray him with a spray water bottle when he does bad things. I have seen that recommended for changed cat behaviours, maybe it will work on creep behaviours
hahahah. I might try that, but with punches Wink

OP posts:
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