When I lose weight I will treat myself to getting rid of the 14 stone lump that drags me down

[Goandplay]

Over the last 20 years I've put on weight. I'm very overweight. I had my last babies in 2013, had awful post natal depression and have just recently come off the anti depressants.
I have an appointment tomorrow to join the local gym and feel more awake than I have in 4 years. Up until recently I've wanted to sleep all the time.
I have a little work from home job and pretty much support myself financially (as in clothes, going out without DP etc) and pay my own bills (mobile, share of house bills etc). DP pays a car loan for my car.

I am sick to death of the way he speaks to me. My 11 yo comes and says don't worry, everyone has arguments etc because he hates the thought that we will break up.
I am called fat, lazy, saggy etc anytime we have a disagreement.

I've had counselling to support me through this relationship and the verbal attacks but today and the last week I'm just sick of it. It seems like it's ramped up.

Surely there are worse things in the world than being fat?

Hes a cunt. Dont wait till you lose weight to get rid of him. You deserve respect NOW You deserve to be rid of this prick now.

Get rid if the 14 stone now and give your weight loss a bump start

Seriously is there any relationship to work on or is it dead in the water?

He's a twat. But I think you know that already.

On the weight loss topic - have you thought of joining Slimming World? I've found it brilliant, have lost quite a bit of weight without feeling hungry or deprived and they give you lots of lovely recipes, support etc. If you're very overweight your GP can 'prescribe' you a few months free.

Anyway, I hope you work out a way to free of the knob. Enjoy the gym tomorrow - your new life is out there waiting for you. Good luck!

Bin the tosser into touch now. What a horrible, horrible man.

Best of luck at the gym. There are some great people on here, far better qualified than me but, I'm sure they'll all agree he's a wanker

He sounds like an idiot. Especially if he's saying these things infront of your son. Ignore him, look after yourself. He should be supporting you, not putting you down. Leave him and tell him why-because you're too fab for him! Raising kids, overcoming depression and joining the gym- You should be proud of yourself!

My DH went out for the evening with a couple of his old friends last week, when he called and told me that one of them (having split up with her husband of 20 years last year) has lost about 4 stone and looks amazing! This has happened to several people we know over the last few years, including a male friend last year who finally left his controlling slightly bonkers wife. Honestly seems like the way forward for weight loss, I even joked I might give it a go actually one of those maybe I'm not joking moments, but that's another issue!.

So my advice would be get rid of him first and the weight will fall off! Good luck

Chickoletta has a point. Ive gone from a size 28 to a 14 on slimming world.

Please dont go for the quick fix. I have a friend who is doing a VLCD for the third time.

I lost 10 stone the first time in 18 months.

The second time i had to lose a 4 stone regain which has taken 3 years.

Its better to lose it slowly and when done slower you do not gain it back easily.

Our relationship can be good but his mouth is vile.

I need to take ds to gp, I might ask about Slimming World as that with gym might be out of my budget.

Get the instant 14 stone diet now op!

I've messaged that SW group in my area.

I almost don't want to lose weight because he will think it's worked what he's done...

Do it for you. Get rid of him now and then lose the weight for you. Without him hammering away at your self esteem you will probably find it much easier to get fit and lose the weight anyway. He's an utter twat.

I've lost 4 stone in the last year and completed C25K - haven't done SW, just changed my habits and lost it slowly and it's worked for me. However, a good friend of mine has lost 10 stone on SW, is a complete gym nut now and looks and feels amazing. It's worth it.

Yes, there are worse things in the world than being fat. Being a nasty, cruel, disrespectful idiot who thinks he can treat his partner like rubbish.

You have already worked out some weight loss options. What's he planning on doing to turn himself into a decent human being ? I don't think there's a club for that.

I agree with pp. Your self esteem and energy levels will soar when his sorry arse is no longer lying on your sofa. Lose weight if it's what you want, who cares what he thinks.

Bet he's terrified that you really will lose weight, and he's putting you down to try and sabotage it. He probably wants you a bit insecure so that you won't be independent and see how annoying he is. It's no accident that it coincides with you feeling better.

You can approach this in one of two ways.

You can lose the weight whilst he's there. Take full advantage of him being there to stay with the children when you're out exercising etc. Ignore his goady comments, smile inwardly to yourself because you know what's coming at the end of it. And then, when you're looking fab, dump him then.

Or dump him now and lose the weight anyway.

I wouldn't normally advise being so devious as to stay and use him like that, but if he's being a dick now, then he's likely to be a dick after you've split too and may well sabotage.

He could sabotage if you stay because, as much as men like this will criticise you for your weight, they feel threatened by you losing it too! Because they are ridiculous.

Only you know you and your personality and the approach that will work for you. Everyone is different.

Why wait ?

I am concerned that the outcome of your counselling has been to "support you" in this abusive relationship.

If you think you are excessively tired (difficult one with little ones) and you have put on weight, it might be a good idea to have your thyroid checked.

Like AF, I am also concerned that the counselling has been to "support you" in this abusive relationship. I sincerely hope you never embarked on joint counselling with him. May I ask as well who you saw, was it Relate for instance?

Have you stayed to date also because of your son and his not wanting to see his parent separate?.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships; surely not this model of one. I think he has seen and heard an awful lot already and you have not been able to fully protect him from your man's abuse of you.

It's a tale as old as time. Woman leaves man, loses weight and finally realises what was keeping her in her overweight cage all those years.

I lost weight without dieting or trying at all when I left my ex. I hadn't realised how much comfort eating my unhappiness had led me to.

Don't let one stop you from the other. Leave him as soon as you are able. Step away from the doughnuts today. Get out of the cycle that's holding you back.

My H took credit for my weight loss - he honestly believed I wouldn't have been able to do it if it hadn't been for him pointing out the "truth" to me.

This involved in one incident...placing naked silhouette photos of me around the house. On my pillow, on the fridge in my clothes drawer. I had asked him in good faith to take a naked photo so I could see the results of my weightloss more clearly. He took that photo, blew it up, photocopied it and put it everywhere around the house to shame me. I will never forgive that.

Yes, I eventually lost 4 stone and I expect to lose another 11 in the coming weeks.

I vote for low carb, no sugar...

I wouldn't wait...put yourself first and get rid of him.
Then you can work on making yourself feel happy without him dragging you down x

I am concerned that the outcome of your counselling has been to "support you" in this abusive relationship

I get you. But to honest its what happened to me as well. I wasn't ready to do what had to be done so my counsellor helped me live the life I was living till such time I could make my move. Not that it took long. A few months. It was the only way I could do it. It made me stronger.

I bet you you'll feel 100% more positive without this negative tosser in your life, sounds like he makes you very unhappy. What's stopping you getting rid of him now?

Why do you have to lose weight before you can get rid?

The courts only measure your financial assets.

Yes there are worse things in the world than being fat? Living with this twat is one of them. You can fix both. He will try to sabotage both. He likes you fat and vulnerable, cooking his dinner.

You've recently woken up. You've joined the gym, you have decided you won't stand for his abuse. But what has this meant? It seems like it's ramped up. Yeah, see, sabotage, especially if you are comfort eater.

Goandplay. I wish Id ended my marriage when I was only 14 stone. Instead I waited for all sorts of reasons and by the time I separated from my husband I was 20 stone and 55 years old. That was 3 and half years ago and over the last 6 months Ive been at the gym 5 times a week. I was honest enough too admit to myself that if I didn't have a personal trainer waiting for me I'd probably never have gone, and far from feeling like a failure admitting that I feel the exact opposite. So I have my personal trainer one day, then the next day I go and do recovery cardio and my PT checks I do it via the app the gym uses. He quite literally knows my every move

But that said Ive also started going and doing a few bits and pieces on my own and Im really pleased with myself I can now say I love exercising but too many years of low spirit means it would still be very easy for me to say - ach I'll go tomorrow.

Ive also been following an eating plan for people with pre diabetes. Its very sound and the aim is for people like myself to reverse their condition and come off the medication. Its sound and backed by the UK Diabetic Association.

If I had to chose between the gym and something like Slimming World? Id chose the gym because changing your diet alone will not help you lose weight and keep it off. Not only that you can always work an eating plan out for yourself. I wouldn't mind linking you to the online version of the plan Im using.

Is the weight falling off me? No its not, and truth be told when you're used to relying on the scales to measure progress it can be very demoralising but the reality is that the scales are only one way to measure you're success.

How do I measure mine? Well Im down a dress size, I look much healthier. Im more toned. I move better. Im motivated to have something done in the Beauty Salon every week. Im smaller in size and dont jiggle so much because I now have muscle. My son in law is a Dr and he told me - even if you don't see a result on the scales just keep in mind that every day you're doing this you're benefitting from it medically.

And what do I like about it the most right now? Well that would be seeing my name up on the effort boards when Im working out. My name is actually up their on the effort board along with people I look at and think - they are hard core exercisers. So I may be 58 and still overweight but when Im at the gym Im a bloody advert

I really wish you the best of everything.