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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When I lose weight I will treat myself to getting rid of the 14 stone lump that drags me down

47 replies

Goandplay · 17/08/2016 19:10

Over the last 20 years I've put on weight. I'm very overweight. I had my last babies in 2013, had awful post natal depression and have just recently come off the anti depressants.
I have an appointment tomorrow to join the local gym and feel more awake than I have in 4 years. Up until recently I've wanted to sleep all the time.
I have a little work from home job and pretty much support myself financially (as in clothes, going out without DP etc) and pay my own bills (mobile, share of house bills etc). DP pays a car loan for my car.

I am sick to death of the way he speaks to me. My 11 yo comes and says don't worry, everyone has arguments etc because he hates the thought that we will break up.
I am called fat, lazy, saggy etc anytime we have a disagreement.

I've had counselling to support me through this relationship and the verbal attacks but today and the last week I'm just sick of it. It seems like it's ramped up.

Surely there are worse things in the world than being fat?

OP posts:

ohdearme1958 · 18/08/2016 12:45

Oh and just wanted to say that your weight is a smoke screen. If you weren't overweight he'd pick away at you for something else.

Its all about him and nothing about you!

Sexykitten2005 · 18/08/2016 14:57

I agree with everyone else. Lose that weight on your back before you worry about your own size. Men like this are saboteurs, if he's not making you feel bad about the scales it'll be something else IT ALWAYS IS!
Honestly once you are happy the weight will sort itself. I was always over weight, since being single I now run marathons, weight lift and try lots of new fun actives. I didn't start any of them with the intention of losing weight (although I hoped i might) but because I wanted to try them and it got easier when he wasn't in the background expecting me to fail. Without expecting it the weight dropped off, I made a bunch of new friends and more importantly I am so happy now.

Cary2012 · 18/08/2016 15:58

Lose that dead weight of a partner! Then tackle losing weight for yourself, and yourself only. Agree with the comment above that he'd find something else to find fault with.

SquidgyRedBall · 18/08/2016 16:48

Get rid of him.

If you are anything like me (a comfort eater) it will be easier to do when you haven't got someone dragging you down emotionally.

LMGTFY · 18/08/2016 16:50

I got rid of 13 stone of waste of oxygen, and then lost 3 stone as a bonus. Give your self esteem a real boost and get him out first.

Original poster

Goandplay · 18/08/2016 18:13

he would say I am breaking our family up because I'm lazy and won't lose weight.

I read a thread on here some time ago about a woman who said she disliked her husband because he had gained so much weight and didn't do anything about it.

I just don't feel like I could kick him out. My children wouldn't have their dad around full time.

It is for these reasons a saw a counsellor to allow me to have a safe place to let it all out as it was and protect myself mentally while I continued to stay.

I feel pathetic that I continue to allow him to speak to me in such a way.

He would say I speak in a tone of voice that equally upsets him that's why I push him to saying such horrible things.

He constantly 'strokes' me when I fact he is using his hands to 'measure' me and show me visually/by touch how big my thigh is or whatever.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/08/2016 18:30

Your children are being damaged, not protected, by you staying in this situation

That counsellor wants striking off

Cary2012 · 18/08/2016 18:38

So you had a counsellor who encouraged you to cope with the stiuation you are in? Not exactly a credit to the profession.. Lead by example OP, show your kids how decent people behave. Show him the door, he sounds awful

ohdearme1958 · 18/08/2016 18:39

It is for these reasons a saw a counsellor to allow me to have a safe place to let it all out as it was and protect myself mentally while I continued to stay

I think if you'd stuck at the counseling you'd have found the courage to start making a plan

nicenewdusters · 18/08/2016 19:09

What do you think most people in a relationship would find harder to tolerate ? The fact that their partner had put on weight, or the fact that their partner was cruel, rude and unsupportive, and was damaging their self-esteem and well being ?

He's not the only one who has a say as to whether the relationship continues. You can decide it's over when you like, and for the reasons that matter to you. Even if he was a prince among men - which he's clearly not - if you found yourself unhappy and wanting to leave you could, it's your life.

Of course you'd rather your children had their dad around all the time. But he's the one making that unlikely to happen, as you no longer want to be with him.

If your partner touches you it should be affection, love, lust etc, not to measure you, that's disgusting.

Don't let him grind you down any more.

ladylambkin · 18/08/2016 19:14

Why wait? Get rid of this lose now

Oh and when my ex husband eventually pushed me too far with his fat/ugly comments I got to my target weight after splitting with him

for you op

Chickoletta · 18/08/2016 19:40

How was the gym OP?

He really sounds like a nasty piece of work to me. If you are not ready to leave yet I really think you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not put up with his nastiness anymore. Get in his face and shout at him as long as he's not the type to get violent. He's done this because you've let him - no man would speak to me like this more than once. I don't mean that to sound mean, just that you need to make it clear that it's unacceptable.

Tell him that you intend to lose weight and then you won't be fat any more but he'll still be a knobhead (insert own insult here).

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/08/2016 20:59

he would say I am breaking our family up because I'm lazy and won't lose weight.

So what if he did say that?

How about you go back to counselling? Different counsellor. One with experience of abuse. Tell him/her your goal of ending the relationship right up front.

AnnieOnnieMouse · 18/08/2016 21:18

And ask the GP if they will give you a prescription for SW
Good luck with both parts of your weight loss plan.
Lose as much as you can now, while you are planning your exit strategy, then the rest will be easier after the 14 stone loss.
And YY to finding a better counsellor.

LesisMiserable · 20/08/2016 11:21

I did the exact same OP, in fact one of my friends says she remembers me saying when I've lost weight I'm leaving. All weight loss is about feeling more attractive. To the leaver ifs about readying yourself for a new relationship (as opposed to this one) for the leavee it's a response to being left - getting match fit again as it were. For me it meant the first step to autonomy over myself - a clear decision to not eat as much became a knowledge that I was capable of taking action not just words. I started to diet and left 4 months later 3 stone lighter.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2016 11:30

I just don't feel like I could kick him out. My children wouldn't have their dad around full time.

That is not a good enough reason at all for him to stay, staying for the children anyway is also rarely if ever a good idea. He is the one driving you away by his very actions. Its not you, its him

"It is for these reasons a saw a counsellor to allow me to have a safe place to let it all out as it was and protect myself mentally while I continued to stay".

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, just what are they learning here?. They are seeing their dad verbally abuse their mother on a seemingly daily basis. You cannot protect yourself or them fully from their dad's verbal abuse of you. And he is pawing you to boot, he is truly vile. They do not even have to be in the same room to pick up on all the bad vibes at home, they hear and see far more than you care to realise.

Would agree with the advice to find another counsellor to work with and one who specialises in abuse as well. Womens Aid can and will help you here.

Where did you find this counsellor by the way, I would also want this person to be reported to their governing body if they are even qualified.

Original poster

Goandplay · 06/09/2016 10:04

I said that if he every spoke to me this way again then he would have to leave and then that would be his decision and he would be responsible for breaking our family up not me.

So today he called me some horrible names and he has gone. I have the keys and that's it.

I can't help but be gutted. He is in agreement

OP posts:

ErnieAndBernie · 06/09/2016 10:16

Bloody good for you for sticking to your guns! Gutted or not, I hope you realise this is the right thing to do and it shows your dc that people should not treat others like that, they do not have to put up with such tripe.
Well done. Be strong and kind to yourself. You can do this.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/09/2016 10:59

Well done - seriously, he is a nasty abusive bully.
Give Womens Aid a call and they might be able to help you see this for what it is. 0808 2000 247
Also, please do their Freedom Programme.
Keep him gone.
This is an awful example of a male role model for your DC!!!
But if you can keep him away you can show them that strong women don't put up with being treating like shite!!!

smilingeyes11 · 06/09/2016 11:43

well bloody done - losing him is the very best kind of weightloss you could have undertaken.

TheNaze73 · 06/09/2016 11:51

Well done OP. You've made the right decision

BlueFolly · 06/09/2016 15:57

Good for you, you can't live like that

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